WTF Happened? My Bf and I were straight the she told me she loved me and we both took it further... all over now

Hi,

It's been a year since my best friend of 15 years told me that she has been in love with me since an event in 2018, we were really best friends, soulmates I would have said, she was my world. I was shocked but went with it, and we took it further despite her having a long-term boyfriend. It was in drink on several occasions that month that we made love but always after drinking and it was one of the most sensual experience I have ever had. It felt like real love to me, and my body had never been so alive to another’s touch even more so as I wasn’t sober !

A few months later and we both were struggling; it wasn’t spoken of again and we tried to behave normally around our group of family and friends. Then we had an argument which I feel she pushed to cause a breakdown of our friendship; she said some really hurtful things and I lost my best friend and soul mate.

I have been so confused about my own sexuality since and despite it now being over a year ago I can’t enjoy the company of a man, I can go through the motions and occasionally achieve an orgasm but it’s pretty meaningless. The experience with her was something I never thought I would do with a woman, my whole adult life I have never considered a sexual experience with a woman. I always considered myself heterosexual and have a ex-husband and adult children.

It feels like she had 18 months to decide to make a move and process how she was feeling and I had 1 night to decide how to respond, the truth is my body responded not my mind.

I have researched a lot and would say that I am straight heterosexual but clearly fluid.

It’s really hard to know if I should try and date a woman or a man. I don’t want to be on my own and want a relationship / partner. I have always dis trusted Men and easily trust my female friends, I am not homophobic and never have been but generally my friendship groups are all straight.

I don’t generally find women attractive and certainly don’t look at my female friends in that way , but I can’t get past how my body physically reacted, was this just because I loved her?

Was this just a thing I did because of who it was, my best friend who I loved very much and went along with or something more.

I haven’t had to see her since because of Covid but my general anxiety is very high, I dread the day we bump into each other again and am really struggling to just dismiss the whole experience as a drunken mistake.

I cant talk to anyone about it as I cant explain it to myself let alone cope with the reactions of those around me.