Where am I?
Hello! I am a pseudo-closeted bisexual black male who is finally coming to terms with my sexuality as a whole. I have been having trouble with depression all my life but recently, it has taken me lower than ever have been before. I keep wondering if this miserable feeling has anything to do with not being fully outward or proud of my sexuality. It is the only rock that I have not turned over at this point. I do not currently have any friends -- largely due to the scars left after the betrayal from my last buddy group. When they discovered that I was queer, instead of confronting me about it, they proceeded to mock me in private for years. This has left me largely indifferent to friendship in general, but I must admit that I am struggling to find any reason to live without some type of community.
As a child, I was bullied on a daily basis until some older boys took pity and taught me how to carry myself in a more masculine way. I internalized their advice and have had virtually no problems with being bullied ever since that day. That being said, carrying myself this way has become somewhat of a rigid shell, to the point where I have completely forgotten how to live without it. I think that my body is tired of putting on this front and would rather not exist in this realm anymore than continue to carry this burden. I sincerely hope that what I've written here resonates with someone because I am so very sick of being alone with these feelings.
@UNDRGRND1
Self acceptance after those kinds of experiences with friends and those we thought would be there for us through everything can certainly be difficult to achieve.
I would ask if you have ever considered seeking out a local LGBTQ+ community if there is one close to you? That can often be a space to find and build a variety of friendships where there is often a baseline of acceptance. Not everyone will find those spaces right for them, but it can be worth exploring.
My experiences are different than yours, but I know many here struggle with similar feelings, so hopefully sharing here will allow you to feel more connected and less alone. Do you have any ideas about what else might help you feel more connected and less alone?
Thank you for sharing with us.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I was very much accepting of myself before learning of that prolonged betrayal. If my "friends" had asked me about my sexuality, I would have been completely honest about it. Instead they chose to gossip and make tongue-in-cheek comments for years. It stings all the more retroactively realizing all the times that I was the butt of jokes without even knowing. I am a radically honest person at heart and prefer the company of people who are willing to be just as honest with me. It wasn't something that I was hiding. I just didn't see my sexuality as something that mattered much at all... not even worth bringing up in casual conversation. Apparently, much of the world feels differently, which came as quite a shock to me.
I have not yet sought out any LGBTQ+ groups unfortunately. I fear that by joining a group, I put myself at risk of being identified publicly and losing the support of my immediate family. They are the only ones that I have to rely on at the moment, but it feels like they don't know the real me. It is a painful place to be. One one hand, I know that they will still accept me but, on the other hand, I also know that they will talk badly about me when I am not in ear's reach and that is a pain that I do not wish to go through again anytime soon.
Thank you for your kind reply. I appreciate your support in these trying times.
@UNDRGRND1
You are definitely not alone! While we all experience different things, I think many of us in the LGBTQIA+ community sadly face similar stories to this one. I am also having to face whether or not to risk coming out or painfully hiding myself. It's a balance everyday of who is safe to tell and where is it safe to be me. I have been bullied as well for the way I dress and found it hard to make friends and relate with others. I would also suggest that you try to find a LGBTQIA+ community or support group near you. It makes a huge difference when you have people around you who allow you to be who you are without fear. Even just one person can make a difference in your life!
Love yourself!
Colby :)
I know that I need someone to trust so that my faith in the world may be restored, but this last friendship experience cut me deeply. Friendship is only measured in the time that it takes until someone who claims to care about me finds something that they dislike enough to discard me entirely.
For instance, there is a young lady who has been showing an extreme amount of interest in me lately (for some strange reason). She is very pretty and thoughtful, but I keep thinking to myself "How will she react when she finds out that I'm bisexual?" I have taken so much of this pessimistic poison that I have become immune to any possibility of positive relationships in my life. Caring about any particular person has become synonymous with weakness, and I refuse to allow myself to be hurt like I have been again. I would much rather choke all the hope out of myself than leave it in someone else's hands.
@UNDRGRND1
I understand what you mean and it is really hard. I also lost a friend group and was told how disgusting I am, that I'm going to ***, I'm just confused, etc. I saw a friend get beat up just for being gay in my hometown. The world can be nasty! But it's important to remember that it isn't the whole world. Good people do exist as hard as it is to see sometimes. While I went through my fair share of the bad ones I have found a few people I have become so close and bonded to who love me for who I am. My best friend and my boyfriend now of nearly four years. They keep me going. It can be so hard to open yourself up to others after that kind of pain. That would tear anyone down. But I hope in the future you find some good people who will love you the way you deserve to be! Until then you have found a great community of people! If you ever need to talk there's a great support chat here or you can reach out to me on my listener account! You're never alone.
<3 Colby