confusion

Hey hey 👋🏻

Wow, so I see a lot of myself in you, so I couldn't help but reach out.

I'm 23 going on 24. Growing up I was sure I was straight, even though I did realize attraction to girls was present as well. I even had at some point met a girl that I was sure I didn't have platonic feelings for but romantic feelings. And still, I was sure I was straight since I had a few boyfriend which I actually had romantic feelings for as well.

I didn't even dare to touch the subject again until shortly before turning 20 when a male, as well as a female, friend of mine came out to me as bi. Suddenly I realized that this was a possibility.

It's not that I grew up in a strict household, quite the opposite actually, my family always made sure to point out they don't care which gender we bring home as long as we're happy, but still, falling out of the standard in my home was strange for me.

Once I did actually face my sexuality and learned more about it, I slowly learned that sexuality is a spectrum. You can like girls for 20% and boys for 80% and both are absolutely valid. Even with just being 20% attracted to women, you can still date and marry one and stay with her for life and your relationship is just as valid as any other.

My biggest concern was always that I felt romantically interested towards all people, the gender made no difference to me, but somehow I struggled with finding a sexual connection. Then I realized that I would form that later in the relationship, when I was really comfortable with them.

Love is complex and can show in so many ways. Some love every gender, some have no romantic attraction at all. And some only fall in love with someone when they've been friends for years.

Internalized homophobia is definitely a factor that can stop someone from pursuing a same sex relationship, especially bi or pansexuals who have the "option" of choosing a heteronormative relationship and not having to face actual homophobia. But I think sexuality is more complex than that.

So it's absolutely possible that you only love women to a certain amount, even less than men, but that doesn't mean that it can't change with years and time you spend discovering yourself. You can totally realize with 50 that you're completely a lesbian and just held yourself back by your own expectations. Or with 90 that you might not have been a lesbian after all and do like just people in general.

My best tip for you is to let things come as they do. Climb the mountain once you get to it. If you meet a girl and fall for her, date her. If you meet a boy and fall for him, date him. Love is too complex to try and figure it out fully.

I'm wishing you best of luck on your journey and I hope you'll find the perfect one for you someday!

(Also, congratulations on becoming a part of the community 🤗 figuring yourself out is one hell of a ride, enjoy it as much as you can!)

Thank you for your kind words!

it is always reassuring seeing people who live our same experiences. ☺️

all my life I always tried to “go with the flow” and to not stuck and influence myself but when I think about my sexuality deeper, I’m always scared to label myself and to justify myself to people around me

Yes same situation. I would not think it’s internalized homophobia at all. I think our society just expects heterosexual relationships from the beginning so thinking about the opposite sex never was on our mind. And now being older and understanding yourself you feel confused.

I think the only way to discover what you really want is to experiment and see what feels right to you. I don’t think whatever gender you favor means anything negative. That’s just how you feel.

you can be attracted to both men and women. There’s nothing wrong with just wanting to settle down with men. There’s plenty of others who have that same view. Your okay

Hi! I feel like at the end of the day it will always be about the person more than about their sex. If you happen to fall in love with a man, great! If you happen to fall in love with a woman that’s amazing too! I would say just go and explore, talk to people in real life about your experiences, join some lgbt communities if possible, go to parties and observe how different people feel to you. I think this will become very clear once you start considering settling down with someone seriously (kids, marriage, etc). It doesn’t really matter who you settle down with, be it a woman or a man. Your process would certainly be “easier” if you married a guy, starting a family or trying to get married with a same sex partner can sometimes be a real challenge. But neither is wrong, maybe focus more on what you truly like and what qualities you want in your partner. Let society be society! You got this.

on same path