First Heartbreak

Hey guys, I hope you're having a good day.

I'm looking for some advice up here because I ran out of ideas.

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up in october and I still have trouble when it comes to getting fully over her.

It's kinda complicated because we're still "friends" as she likes to call us, but if I'm honest it's nothing more than an acquaintance to me.

I'm not allowed to ask her how she's doing or how her day was, as I'm automatically "still in love" with her when I do that, but if I don't give her any attention, I'm the "arrogant bitch" who thinks is better than anyone. I feel like no matter what I do, it's always the wrong thing.

I've already come to realize that we would have never worked out in the first place, as in my eyes there are major lacks of personality traits that I look for in a persons character.

I've been diagnosed with bipolar depression after our breakup, but I knew that I've had it for at least 5 years, so mental health has always been an important topic to me. I've tried to talk about it, beacuse she's forced me to open up to her, but all she said was "get over your imagination, it's all in your head, none of it is real."

After my 18th birthday in November, I fell in a major depressive episode again and back then we still used to be close, even though we weren't together anymore. I let her in and showed her what my depression looked like and for a moment it really felt like it could work out again, as she told me that we'll get through it together and that maybe one day I could call her "my wife" again. But from one day to another she became distant again and when I asked her what's wrong she said "before you come for me, how about you focus on becoming normal."

That one hit me hard, because things like this had almost cost me my life a few years ago. So there it was, the end of "cuddling as friends, but you still make me blush and my heart races when I'm with you" (also what she said.)

It really broke me back then, as I still was deeply in love with her. The hardest part though was pretending that nothing happened, while seeing her almost every day, because we have the same friend group. I even spent christmas with her and let her come to my new years eve party and all I've gotten in return are cold stares, distance and being treated like durt.

A few months have passed now and I wouldn't consider myself still in love. It's more like i'm frustrated, because I've really tried my best to be her friend, when all she ever did was pushing me away.

The last few weeks I've kinda lost all of my respect for her, but even though in my eyes she's kind of a walking red-flag (not to be mean that's just how I see her right now), sometimes I still think about her when I go to bed, missing her touch, having her near and falling asleep next to her.

I can't get over the thought that a part of my heart still loves the girl she used to be, when everything was perfect. The girl I've fallen for, when I had promised myself to never fall in love again. The girl that doesn't exist anymore. And I've been wondering if that girl has ever been real in the first place.

Thank you guys for taking your time to read this giant text. I appreciate your effort.