Should me and my gf break up over this?
Recently mine and my girlfriends relationship hasn’t been feeling the same at all. When we first got together over two years ago it was so fun and exciting we didn’t care what anyone thought or if anyone stared at us in public but now she won’t even hold my hand because she’s scared of what people think. I feel like I’ve gone back to being the 17 year old me who was scared to be gay and show who I was and I’m finding myself getting nervous/ embarrassed to tell people I have a girlfriend now surely this isn’t normal I used to be so proud of it!!
These aren’t the only problems though even behind close doors she is not as affectionate with me she always wants it to be me making the first moves and I just don’t feel as loved any more. She is also putting less effort in to please me she’s getting quite selfish with everything she does and is putting herself before me which I’ve ignored for a long time but now I’m over it!
I want to bring all this up to her but every time I try talk to her she gets really defensive and takes everything too personal so I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when bringing things up to her. Things like this scare me for the future because how can we stay together when the communication is none existent?
I don’t know whether the relationship is worth saving anymore or if I’ve fallen out of love I just don’t know what to think any more
@sympatheticGrapes6138
Obviously I can't tell you what you should do about your own relationship, but it does sound like you are having a lot of doubts and missing some of the affection and interactions that made your relationship a joy in the past.
It can be hard when people who were once more out and open seem to be retreating back toward the closet - sometimes societal attitudes, personal experiences with hatred, or even time can seem to motivate us to step back into what feels safer. Unfortunately in a relationship this kind of retreat can sometimes create distance, defensiveness or conflict. It sounds like you've tried to talk with your partner about the changes, do you have any ideas or have you been able to find out what prompted the change for her? As for the defensiveness, I try to stick to 'I statements' and avoid the word you as much as possible when bringing up something that is upsetting me to reduce defensiveness but I also know sometimes even that won't work.
Overall, yes relationships require work and won't always be perfect, but at the same time you have to be the one to decide if the relationship you have is still the relationship you want. Without communication and cooperation it can be hard to get back to a healthy space in a relationship, it really does take both people in a relationship working together to keep a relationship healthy and thriving.
So I'd simply ask you, what do you want? Is that something you can control? If not, what can you control?
Thank you so much Thai really helped I brought up everything with her yesterday and she was completely shocked at how I was feeling she hadn’t noticed any of it and she thought we was completely fine I feel awful she doesn’t want to lose me and wants to work through it but I just don’t think the relationship is right for me any more and it’s going to be even harder to leave knowing that she doesn’t feel the same and I just don’t want to hurt her and leave her to struggle
@sympatheticGrapes6138
In that kind of situation I often ask myself how I would feel if my partner/friend were only staying because they didn't want to hurt me? Would that really hurt me less than having them end the relationship? Things can be painful when they end, it's true, even when we ourselves choose that ending. But I find it even more worrisome if they are painful while they continue solely in an attempt to avoid that painful ending.
So again, it seems you may have to make the decision that is best for you, and only you can decide what that is. I hope you will find your answer, and take care of yourself in the process be it a painful or a joyful one.
Wow that’s really made me see it all in a whole new light thank you so much honestly you’ve just said everything I needed to hear