I want to be me
Hi 👋 I hope everyone is well, I’m Katie and happy to be here. I’m hoping to make some friends, get some advice, and learn as much as I can. I’m in my late 40’s, married to a wonderful woman and have a young child. My wife does not know about Katie…yet, if I was not such a chicken I would come right out and tell her but instead I keep doing and saying things to try to get her to question me (which she has not done yet).
I work in a field not very accepting to someone like me, almost made a questionable decision this morning, took a pair of my wife’s underwear and was going to wear them to work but changed my mind at the last minute just in case something happened and I got hurt, didn’t want to embarrass my wife if something like that happened.
If I knew she would be accepting I’d tell her tomorrow but fear is keeping me from that. I’ve bought, hidden and purged my female clothing so many times hoping my urges would go away but lately they have only been getting stronger and will not subside. We’re married almost 10 years and until a few weeks ago a never touched her clothes out of fear of her finding out but lately I need to be wearing some form of female clothing for at least a little while daily just to keep me mentally stable so I have been wearing her things when she isn’t around or even her underwear under mine when we’re just lounging. I know it’s reckless and I’m being dishonest to her but I’m just so scared of losing her.
Thank you all for listening to my rant ❤️
@Katie4Life
I understand you don't want to lose her!
But if this is causing you distress, you are not feeling yourself, and you are hiding things, you have to make a decision if you can be honest or if you can go on like this.
Only you can make that decision.
Here, we can listen, support and be there, but this is a decision that affects your life, it has to come from you!
Sending you genuine best wishes!
💕💜
@Amanda84 hi again, so last night I tried to”taking her temperature” on the subject by talking about a a person we know who has spoken to my wife about their desire to transition from female to male. We spoke about how hard it must be for someone to have to live while feeling that their body was a mistake and the mental tolls it must take on them and she was very agreeable and sympathetic towards that plight. It was on the tip of my tongue and if she asked me I think I would have answered but I chickened out about telling her. Maybe I opened a door because me bringing up that conversation is very unlike me. She has an uncle who is gay and spent the majority of his life in the closet and she was one of the few who initially continued to embrace him after he came out but he’s an uncle, I’m her husband, the “man” she chose to marry and care for and protect her. I know that I have no desire to be with a man and should I be able to fully transition (again which unlikely) I would still choose to be with women so me not wanting to still be with her afterward isn’t a thought.
I’m sorry to unload all of this on you but getting these thoughts out of my head been helping me get closer to making that difficult decision. Last night was SO close that I can’t believe it. I may be able to get a video appointment with a therapist next week so if that happens I’ll be making some progress.
Thank you again and have an amazing day
💛💞
@Katie4Life
You are not bothering me at all!
I'm happy to listen to you.
Atleast it gets the power and the intensity out of the feelings!
It won't be easy for sure.
She loves you and only she can tell how intimacy would look like and feel like for her, should you choose to dress differently.
Only she can answer those questions.
I'm glad you were able to get a phonecall with a therapist.
I really hope that it helps and at the very least gives you a knowledgeable ear!
💜💕
@Amanda84
Hi, well unfortunately no therapy sessions are available until 10/3. I tried with another gender identity specialist at a psychology practice and she had no availability, the receptionist look at others in the practice who are lgbtq knowledgeable but not gender identity specialists but was told to check back in a few weeks as those also did ny have openings.
I did book the 10/3 one but will try the other place in two weeks again to see if they have anything sooner. Thank God for this program being able to provide an outlet. Today was interesting though, the 10/3 appointment was booked online, the other I had to actually call and talk to someone and tell that person that I was seeking counseling for gender identity issues.
That was the first time I ever said it out loud to someone. My nerves and anxiety were running on overdrive during that call but I did it, I said it to someone, still can’t get myself to say anything to my wife but I told someone out loud with my own voice that I wanted help and why.
I hope you’re doing well, thank you for listening to me.
💜💞
@Katie4Life
It's a pleasure to listen!
Thank you for trusting me!
A monumental step forward saying it out loud!
@Amanda84
Well I did it, I told her tonight and it could not have gone better. She was so amazing and understanding to the point of making jokes. We sat up just talking for hours, something we’ve never done. We both said that this may actually make us closer. She had questions and I tried to answer them as best as I could. She asked if I had ever worn her clothes and I was honest and she took everything so amazingly well, even said I may understand her better. We set some boundaries which I told her that she gets to set them and I’ll comply and we’re going to do counseling together so she can learn about what I’m going through. I feel like a building has been lifted off of my chest.
I truly appreciate you being with me through this, you’ll never know how much it has meant to me.
💜💞
@Katie4Life
I'm genuinely delighted to hear that!
This is a great step for you both and a weight lifted!
Its been a pleasure talking to you!
💕💕
@Katyouie4Life you can be but younjust have to be strong 💪