Why my family treats me like sheep to sacrifice and why I allow them ?
I have always been the different one, the one that doesn't like gossip, the nerd, the naive one, the last one to know, the outsider, the one that is criticised. My mom was the teenager mom, so I was the consequence. Maybe... well I don't know how to describe it, but maybe I grew up with that discourse on the back of my head, like the reminder of the problem and somehow I became a people pleaser. Now I'm not comfortable around my family. When my grandpa was alive, he treated me like a daughter, after all my parents were very young and they didn't have the maturity to raise me, but for my aunts, I always felt that they wanted to make me feel in a lower position in comparison to them. But I was a child so I was too naive, I kinda interiorized. My mom got sick with neurodegenerative illness, she lives in a special care home and my father he is a cover narcisistic and I struggle to relate with people, no friends, no partner, my childhood wasn't the best, mom was violent, it's related to her illness, and my father used to leave me alone with her every time they fought It was painful physically and mentally. So It was very often that I scaped from parents house to grandparents house. Now that I'm old it's like my brain is still looking for a safe environment but grandpa it's gone and my aunts and my grandma treat me like I owe them. I feel lonely, and in alert all the time. It's exhausting cause I know that I'm very sensitive but I also that it's not my imagination, I know that they talk trash about me, even though that left me alone for many years dealing with my mom's illness until It was impossible to handle without medical assistance 24/7, even in those moments they used to say that I provoke my mom's reaction.
@KoalaC Sorry that you've experienced so much at such a young age. Family is where we should feel safe and not judged.
While you are waiting to form connections, is there any group support places nearby, at least those members could relate to you.
Think of your home as this impenetrable castle or fortress that can be your safe space. Maybe create a tranquil atmosphere with your favourite things, so when you come home, it's comforting.
@KoalaC
Hello. I am sorry to hear about your family situation, with your mother in a very serious medical condition, your father unsupportive, and the remaining family members seemingly either prejudiced, or not understanding your position.
May I ask if you are geographically tied to the current place you are living in? Leaving the toxic family environment might be something good for you. On the other hand, trading the toxic environment for loneliness couldn't be so good.
How would you feel about building a group of people around you who share more positive attitude? Are you limited with meeting any new people to the workplace, or do you have any hobbies or other activities?
Those traumas you are holding onto are still in the forefront of your thinking.
Our hurtful-past is "irrational anger".
By that I mean: we can be angry about our trauma for the next several minutes, days, weeks -and we would not feel any better (nor will our anger of it erase that trauma).
Rational Anger?
->my phone was stolen, my car has a flat, etc.
Regardless of which one -we must understand the link between "anger & breathing" (for anger thrives on excessive oxygen).
Remember, let's keep our breathing in check.
After just 6 months of breathing-therapy, I still find myself breathing too heavy for no reason at all.
I hope this helps.
I’m so sorry koala : (
