overwhealmin thouhts the roller coaster of emotions mainly negative.

i go about my life cycling , i look at a young woman when while cycling getting close near cycling on the street, she takes a step back , my mind tells me she feels disgusted of me, I am old useless trash, leftovers, worthless, this happened in around 10 seconds. My mind keeps on bashing around negative thoughts, now I wont look at any woman, cause i am leftovers, worthless, my time already passed , i am dead... i just should keep on escaping to fantasy, or neglecting myself in this regards. Flashbacks of when i was rejected by younger women, or rejected many times, when women looked at me as being disgusting even flashbacks from memories of 35+ years ago. My mind and emotions are in complete chaos, what is me just imagining things, did she take a step back out of reflex or safety , or am i ultra vulnerable , my mind and emotions are too chaotic. too overwhelmed.

i am doing so much more than before , not isolating at home, going out, doing sports, activities, at times talking , at times just difficult, but as always this of lust sexuality , repression , fear of rejection has been my biggest problem, plus all those years of neglecting myself and isolating and not having peers to connect had played havoc in me,

thanks for reading, done

not sharing circle , but still.