Breaking circles

When we feel like we are stuck, it is understandable that we feel little control over what is going on inside of us, and if we feel that way, we might just do nothing, because we think it will not change anything.

But the bravest thing someone could do, is realising that maybe, you do have the power to change things. That a circle might be endless, until it has been broken. That doesn't mean that you will never fall back into this circle eventually, but it does mean that situations don't have to be like they are forever. And if you experienced that they don't have to be, you carry an important ingrediënt, that will be helpful in your healing journey.

A circle can involve many things and may have an environmental component that we can not always control. Besides that there are thoughts, feelings and behaviours, which are leading back to each other and leading to the same routine. 

Example:

Envoirmental: My friend is canceling an appointment

Thoughts: My friend does'nt like me. My friend does'nt want to see me. I don't like myself. Why am I like this? Nobody wants to be with me. I can better be alone.

Feelings: I feel sad, I feel worthless

Behaviour: Sending friend a text "No problem. I have a busy schedule anyway"

Envoirmental: Your friend does'nt ask you to plan a new appointment.

Thoughts: My friend didn't care about me anyway. Nobody does. Nobody understands how I really feel.

Feelings: I feel alone, I feel misunderstood, I feel abandoned.

Behaviour: Not letting anyone in anymore

Envoirmental: People aks things from you, but they don't know that right now you can not cope with that.

The good thing is, once you recognize that you are inside a circle like the one above, you can basically take the time, take action and plan your own little intervention. This might be a little challenging, and know that you don't have to do this by yourself, it is okay to ask for help.

Things you can control are: thoughts, feelings, behaviours.

Example:

Envoirmental: My friend is canceling an appointment

Initial thoughts: My friend does'nt like me. My friend doesn't want to see me. I don't like myself. Why am I like this? Nobody wants to be with me. I can be better alone.

Intervention thoughts (you can write them down say them out loud, repeatedly say them in your head): My friend could have a lot of other reasons for cancelling this appointment. My friend might have a lot going on. My friend never gave me a sign that he/she does'nt want to be around me. I am a good person. I am loved by (name someone). This cancelled appointment does'nt have anything to with me. 

Circle might stop here. 

Initial feelings: I feel sad, I feel worthless

Intervention feelings: I feel okay, I feel that I matter.

To get be able to reach these feelings during these intervention, you have to do one thing that makes you feel okay, and one this that makes you feel that you matter. You could for example practice selfcare or listen to your favorite song, you could call someone that loves you or read a message in which someone told you that they care for you and you really felt that way.

Initial behaviour: Sending text to your friend "No problem, I have a busy schedule anyway"

Intervention behaviour: Sending your friend a text "Thank you for letting me know. We will find another time! I am sometimes feeling a bit insecure, so I just want to quickly check with you if the reason of canceling of the appointment has anything to do with me."