I'm attached to someone i can't have.

hello I’d like to explain my situation so you can understand what I’m dealing with and help me.

I’ve been emotionally attached to one boy (I’ll call him “S.”)

We only talked for a few months in the first year i knew him but it was a oni sided love.

for about four years, since i was 11 and it became my main hope and a source of motivation. for years I lived a double life in my head: I imagined a future with him, rehearsed scenes of us together, and told myself that if I became pretty he would love me back. that fantasy kept me going through hard times, and I invested a lot of energy into it.

about 3 months ago, i created a fake account to approach him and it worked perfectly since it was him who asked my fake account '' i'll name her E''to be his gf.

It was kinda an upgraded version of me,

my face, with different hair and eye colour.

Same voice, same personality same everything.

ae never doubted anything. Even with the fake account who was peak pretty, peak personality he acted distant a few times.

til the day he decided to leave her with no excuse i said who i am.

he had an insane reaction '' according to what he said and the picture of himself crying''. he oscillated between begging, confessing love, asking me to stay in the character and name of "E" and pushing me away. at times he told me he wanted me as his wife and at other times he said he couldn’t, or that his heart belonged to the fantasy he had.

all of this has been catastrophic for me i feel a mix of grief and loss (because the imagined future collapsed),

shame and humiliation (because it was all messy and exposed online),

anger at him for his inconsistency and at myself for investing so much,

relief and a strange freedom at moments when I realize I can end it,

but mostly extreme attachment I still can’t imagine being with someone else. I’ve been crying uncontrollably, losing appetite, having trouble sleeping, and absenting to school

I feel stuck between two conflicting urges I want to block him and cut contact to protect myself,

but and I also desperately want weekly contact or any small sign that keeps my hope alive. I can’t rely on logic alone because this attachment is built into my identity and my daily routine. I need help to:

manage the intense craving for contact how to reduce the urge to respond or to send photos, and how to refuse requests safely

and to set boundaries and keep them ways to stop being manipulated and to maintain my dignity

and especially how to deal with shame and self-blame I feel ridiculous and embarrassed I need help rebuilding self esteem

i'm ugly and from a lower class. he's the opposite, if i was mature when it att started i wouldn't love someone out of my league.

but then i remember that even my fake account he decided to leave her.

.i feel i'd never love someone this way. our community is so unfair i'd be forced to marry an ugly man in my dad's age.

We talked yesterday and he said he doesn't and he won't ever have any feelings for me at all

I got into a new horrible school where i don't know anyone i'm more depressed and alone.

I'd rather die than all that.