Can anyone relate?

Hi everyone. I’d love to say I’m scared to post this- but I’m not. I just know this is a last hope situation for me. So I’m open. Because this is a forum. And it is anonymous. And anything is slightly better than the judgement I have gotten from being vulnerable and asking for help from the people in my life and not gotten that help:

I got officially diagnosed with OCD last year. I had someone very toxic in my life bring the possibility to my attention. But I realized once I found out more of what OCD really is- it’s a valid diagnosis

Ever since a young age- I’ve had thoughts of the people I love dying. Example- my grandma lived two blocks away and I would make up an excuse and call her to make sure she was okay because I heard an ambulance. I did this everytime. I was so young. 6? 7? Maybe up to 9 years old.

I slept over her house a lot. She had a regimen she followed. And she slept until almost the same time everyday. And I usually got up before her and I would always press my ear against her door to make sure she was breathing.

Things have gotten worse. One thing that’s always been obsessive and intrusive is the paranoia I’m doing something wrong- or someone is mad at me. Could it be that the obsessive thoughts on these things is due to abandonment issues? Because I don’t stop asking until I get the answers I need to be reassured. I have driven people away. Friends. Family. Partners.

My main concern though- is how I am blowing up peoples phones. I am always awaiting a response. Hoping someone cares. Feeling unimportant. Worthless. Thinking no one cares. Being rejected or pushed away when I need support. So the second I meet someone who like me as a friend or more- I latch on and obsess and over think- should I buy them this- should I tell them that- what can I do to make them like me. If I don’t get responses to my efforts of making plans, or saying kind things, I will continuously call the person. Text them. If I don’t get yes or no on hanging out, they should expect like 10 texts. The are you mad at me? More than that.

This is an obsessive thing I do. And I hate it. And it brings me so much shame and guilt. I’m very uncomfortable with it. And when I have been opener about it my friend and mom called me a stalker. Like why even bother asking for help if that’s what I get in exchange? I have been given tips like writing, typing the messages out on my phone, setting a times. It only helps for so long. It’s so temporary.

I just hope someone out there relates. I feel so alone.