New here

Hello all. I'm new on the app and I'm not really sure how to navigate it yet so I figured I'd post here since it's my diagnosis I can associate with my current troubles. I've been having very real issues with imposter syndrome lately. Although I don't feel like I'm having issues with giving credit to myself I think it's more like I'm mirroring people in hopes of being likable and I think I've done it for so long that I'm struggling with feeling like I'm pretending to be someone else. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm a mother of young kids and I have a really difficult time keeping up with the home, finding purpose/joy in everyday life, sleeping more than I should, keeping routine, I'm losing weight rapidly, my health is terrible and has been for a long time, and my relationship is suffering as a result. He's trying to be sympathetic but is the type that doesn't identify with going to therapy or feeling ease with getting a diagnosis so there's a wall there because he's the type that shoves things down and I can't do that anymore. I've been struggling since long before I met him, long before I had kids, long before I was even an adult. How do I cope? I've been on meds, I've been institutionalized, I've gone to therapy and nothing seems to work long term. I'm struggling so hard. I feel like I'm screaming out for someone to help me, to listen and it's like no one can hear me but I HAVE to pull myself together for my kids so I get up and I do the daily things, try to play and laugh with the kids, take us out of the house to get some outside activity in us but I feel like it's all a mask over the way I really feel. Do people have outward expressions when they are alone? I don't. I feel like laughing, crying, yelling is just another way to communicate your feelings in a stronger way to others but when I'm completely alone I have to feel VERY strongly to do these things to have an outward reaction. Is that normal? I feel like I'm faking everything. Every conversation is a chore but I crave attention so it's a lose lose. I've heard of BPD but I don't self diagnose so I'm trying to do what I can to help my mental health based off of the possibility I have a personality disorder. What do I do? I want to feel normal. I want to feel like a person. It's so bad now that I find no drive to do ANYTHING anymore aside from the things required to keep my kids happy and healthy. I just feel like there's no point. How do you tackle rebuilding your happiness, your self, your life when there's not a blueprint to work off of?? WHO am i?? I'm a shell and there's nothing I can fill myself with. Thanks for listening. Any answer is appreciated