Do I deserve my former girlfriend?

(pt1) There chance to get back together in the future but I did things during our relationship that I regret a ton when we were dating and don't know if I deserve forgiveness...

Ocd made me toxic. When I was feeling worse, I'd make my symptoms go worse and id feed on her love/worry she had for me. (I'm so embarrassed about this story) One time, I even told her that I was feeling too suicidal and I was going to cut myself... I don't even know what I wanted: worry? Pity? Love? I don't know, I can't explain it. This would happen whenever I felt Almost suicidal. I wouldn't do this completely on purpose. I wanted to feel loved In a sick twisted way. I'd never lie to her when I was feeling good. When I had good days, I felt healthy and it was an healthy love. When I felt miserable, I'd make myself more miserable to receive love and appreciation - I was half aware what I was doing: I was thinking to myself of ways to get her attention in an indirect way without directly asking for it but not fully realizing how toxic that was. (I don't know why I did this. If I had asked for love. Id had received it). I lack the ability to see that others do care about me. I'm sorry if this explanation was messy. I wish I could put into words what I intended but even I didn't have a defined goal to begin with. When I realized what I was doing, I confessed to her and apologized. She forgave me but she was Very hurt. . I stopped doing it completely - This behavior only last a month