I Need Help. Apparently, I can't deal with life.

I need help. Severe OCD. Severe life problems. I cant function anymore. I cant do life anymore. I was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. And I might also possibly have some form of Split Personalities/Dissociative Disorder. It's difficult to explain. Maybe I'll try to explain in a different post. But...

I need to use the restroom. Ive been holding my pee since 1pm yesterday. It is now 11:45am today. I am already OCD about toilets. I cant use public bathrooms. I dont have any friends that I can go over to to use their bathroom. And now Im freaking out because someone has been flushing cockroaches down the only toilet in the house that Im staying at in order to get rid of them. Now Im afraid to use the toilet. What if the cockroach comes back up the toilet? Im paranoid no matter how many times I tell myself that if I just clean the toilet before I use it, I will be ok. But Im not ok. Ive been crying since 11pm last night because I just need to use the dang toilet and cant.

I am lacking gloves therefore Im not able to use the Clorox Spray Cleaner to clean the toilet. I cant go get gloves because Im lacking a car so I DONT HAVE TRANSPORTATION. Which means I have to use a taxi. But I dont have money for a taxi because I am STRUGGLING IN MY FINANCES. Im struggling in my finances because I have an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH MY PARENTS. Im talking about physical, sexual, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse.

Im afraid the Clorox will bounce off the toilet and get on me. Toilets are disgusting to me and so are cockroaches. If it bounces off the toilet and gets on me I have to wash over and over at least 100 times before I have any peace. I have to run the loofah over both my left and right hands 4 times and I have to do each 4 times 100 times on each hand. That takes forever. Thats a 7-12 hour long shower. I cant do that. I battle with Eczema. So abnormally dry, itchy skin. Showering irritates my skin. And on top of that, its like I lose count and forget what number Im on because its like I space out or zone out and cant help it. That makes the shower even longer. It uses up hot water. Which can run the water and electricity bill up. And people get mad. And I dont have time to get in the shower for that long and frustrate myself because I cant even count to 4 without having to repeat everything again in order to get to the right number. No one understands. Im plagued with absolutely agony and torment.

And Im not living in my own house or place because Im HOMELESS due to my ABUSIVE relationship with my dad. I cant go to any shelter or use anything thats public because the OCD is so bad. So I am temporarily living with a single mother and her 3 kids who are from Mexico but none of them speak any English and I dont speak any Spanish. Their house is disgusting. Its old and run down with holes in it. Bugs have been coming inside the house, namely cockroaches, and Ive woken up to them crawling on me several times in the middle of the night. The pit bull dog eats trash, destroys the house constantly, and pees and poops everywhere. The kids constantly aggravate the OCD. And theres a lot more going on but its too complicated to explain.

But I CANT SHOWER in the place where Im living. The toilet overflowed in the lady's bathroom once and she threw the towels with pee-toilet water on it that wasnt my pee in the shower. I know if I shower in there I will feel like the disgusting stuff will never come off. And I wont be able to be clean ever. So I avoid using her shower. Especially because theres a window in the shower and I cant handle random insects coming through the window and possibly jumping on me while im naked in the shower. I have literally been having to WAIT A WEEK to shower every week for the last 2 months because the only friend that feels bad about my situation only lets me shower on Saturdays. Because shes "busy" throughout the weekdays. I am discovering I dont have real friends in real life. Not being able to shower every week has highly aggravated the OCD.

I want to work but I cant because I cannot literally function. I cant get another job right now because I literally cannot function. Its too much to explain in this post because this post is already too long. But part of it is that my parents came to my workplace and harrassed me. They were uninvited and their unnecessaery and uncalled for actions lost me my job. Im also failing school right now. And there is just way too much I cant even get to mention or explain in this single post that is going on. Its too much.

I havent been able to get any treatment because I dont have the money or the transportation. Life shouldnt be this hard. I just really want to use the bathroom. Why cant anyone understand? Why doesnt anyone understand that mental disorders are real and not just "in my head"? No one believes me about my parents all the abuse that happened. Why cant anything get any better? I feel like Im a hopeless case and wish I wasnt alive every single day. I cant do this anymore.