My OCD intrusive thoughts journal. Need help.
I've had OCD for 8 years now. For the first four, I didn't know what it was. Went to doctors, neurologists, got MRIs done. In 2018, I decided to go see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD. I've been on medication and did therapy. And it helped a lot but it's still a major problem in my life. The reason I'm writing this is, for about two years now, I've been writing down all of my obsessive thoughts to share with my therapist (thoughts are below this paragraph), and I wanna know if anybody else has these thoughts or knows what type of OCD it is (I think it's existential OCD) or has any comment or advice. I whole heartedly appreciate any help I can get.
These are the things I wrote (it's a lot but I tried to shorten it as much as I could):
What if you can't or what if you're incapable of doing something (can be anything like writing or talking) that are uncontrollable
If I think anything about a person. I need to imagine myself in their shoes and feel and think about their perspective to justify that thought of that person
Always doubtful about conclusions. (The what if you're wrong)
Feel uncomfortable with the possibility of being wrong
Existential thought that speed through my mind about the world around and how we precieve it
I feel the need to explain to myself the process of how things that I see are made?
Sometimes I have to reinact my thought throught somebody else and see how it sounds to justify that the thought makes sense.
Uncomfortable with the thought of being wrong.
Kind of forgot how to think normally
My brain going against me
Feeling disconnected from reality
My brain always feels the urge to think about something. (Is never quiet / can't stop having unorganized thoughts)
sometimes feels like two separate entities in the back of my head arguing going back and forth in looping arguments.
Mind constantly arguing with itself
Scared to offend anybody or be wrong which makes me over think and argue with myself
I have to think and justify to myself my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
I'm afraid that I'm living in a delusion, questioning my version of reality.
I'm afraid that my reality is a delusion
Thoughts about if people that did certain things are proud of themselves.
I think my OCD stems from my fear of not being smart, which is what I thought was unique about me/ I got complements about. and not being successful in life.
@Nataad Hello! I hope this message finds you well. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with OCD. I have OCD myself and I know how hard it can be to live with it. It is called the "doubting disease" for a reason! I want you to know that it's okay that these thoughts may not make sense to you. OCD is ever rational and you are not your thoughts. They are just that; thoughts. They do not define you or your morals nor do they discriminate. I have had some of these thoughts too and I know how scary they can be. It's important to have some grounding skills when you are in the middle of these thoughts. Please don't hesitate to reach out to anyone who cares about you or a listener here on Cups if you are struggling! You don't have to go through this alone! I believe in you <3
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. This disease makes you feel isolated. It feels good to know that there are people out there that are going through the same struggles that I'm going through.
@Nataad I promise that you are not alone and there are many more people who struggle with OCD than you realize. Like @AmintaBlack shared, the support group could be really helpful for you!! I hope you think about attending! <3
@Nataad As someone also with OCD I feel for you ❤️Personal experience has shown me that the compulsions are easier to tame than the intrusive thoughts. If it is existential OCD this might be useful to you.
I hope you don't feel alone in this. We do have an OCD Support Session 8pm EST on Wednesday. Also working on some possible other times. Please take care!