Chat Between @agreeableskies9889 and @carefulEast6708
Hey!!!! @carefulEast6708 ! We can chat here about anything if you want! I'm an open book! We can talk about deep stuff and interest and stuff!
@agreeableSkies9889
Hi Agreeable Skies! Is this the penpal chat you mentioned?
Yess!
@agreeableSkies9889
Great! Thank you for mentoring me like this!
You seemed pretty down yesterday. Are you feeling better today?
I'm ok I guess. I feel 50% good and bad mostly just confused. I've struggled with my gender identity for a long time and it's really overwhelming
@agreeableSkies9889
I can understand why that is overwhelming. Gender identity seems like such a fundamental part of who we are, and so many societies put so much emphasis on gender and what it says about who you are how you should behave and what you can do. In an ideal world we could all just be ourselves.
Exactly. I'm a male at birth but I ingeneral enjoy girly things more. I like being more feminine and some people get really upset by that so I hide it and kinda hate myself because of it. It also makes some people excited and shocked in different ways and people have harassed me in person and online. Some people are discussed by it and some find it confusing and attractive 😞 I feel like an object sometimes.
Do you have any interest? Music helps me a lot or walking out side. I also love video games or a book.
@agreeableSkies9889
I like to go hiking. I used to read a lot but lately it doesn't interest me. I like science fiction, fantasy, but lately I read a lot of historical fiction and women's fiction. Right now I am reading The Other Sister, a "spinoff" from Pride and Prejudice about Mary, the quiet shy bookish sister who tried to impress people by playing the piano.
My sister loves pride and prejudice lol. She did a pride and prejudice day today lol. She cooked food and watched the mini series and a movie. I've never read any Jane Austen books though. My favorite books are Star Wars books or just anything Star Wars ingeneral. It's always been my biggest obsession since I remember. I understand not feeling motivated to read. When I feel at worse it feels impossible. I play a lot of instruments and can make digital art and sketch too. I also write some times
@agreeableSkies9889
It sounds like you are artistic and creative. I hope this sound sappy but I know from personal experience that there are communities that would welcome you with open arms. I used to live in a town like that. Lots of artists, LGBTQIA+ friendly.
I liked the original Star Trek trilogy and Episode 1, but I never got all of the details about the larger universe to fully enjoy the other stories. Do you think Star Wars is a metaphor for our politics?
Omg yes!!! The Empire is supposed to be the US and the rebels are the Vietnamese. That was George Luca's original intensions while making the films.
I'm guessing you meant Star Wars not Star Trek lol. I never really got into Star Trek... I like the Next Generation but that's about it. I really like Dune, idk if you have read it or seen the movies but it's pretty good.
My favorite Star Wars film is Episode 8 because Luke really reminds me of my own struggles with anxiety but I like all of them and the TV shows. The books are good definitely the old Republic one's. There's a character named Revan who's story makes me cry because he disappeared on a mission to save the galaxy but got imprisoned and his wife died never knowing what happened to him. He's my favorite character because he struggled with trauma and identity like me.
What are your favorite books of all time?
@agreeableSkies9889
I loved the novel Dune! Dune was awesome. I still make references to Dune - the sandworms, "fear is the mind killer" . I thought mentat was a real word and got angry when Wordle didn't take it. I didn't like the sequels that much and stopped at God Dune Emperor.
I'm not keen on the movies. I think the story is too complex to capture on film.
I don't know that I have a favorite book of all time. I absolutely loved Cryptonomicon and Diamond Age and for a long time just inhaled anything by Neal Stephenson. I like books with an idea. As I get older I am drifting towards lighter stuff. There's this book called Master of Formalities which is kind of a run of the mill humorous science fiction, but it explores this really interesting question - what if men were primarily responsible for child rearing? And the answer is both comical and I think true - sports would be really important. 😂
I don't know that I have a single favorite book. I like books with ideas.
I like books with ideas too lol 😂 recently I've been pulling myself out of the dumps with my comfort series which of course is Star Wars.
I also really enjoy horror and classics.
I want to read the book Ulysses which is supposedly the hardest book to read in the English language. I read a couple chapters and loved it but then I went through a really bad depressive episode and kinda gave up.
My fav book is probably Star Wars Revan tbh. But I also really enjoy Dune and I want to read the rest of them. On the Road was really beautiful but I didn't care for how sexist *** the characters could be
I have so many books I love. Steven King books are really good though he's kinda a weirdo. I like comics a lot too lol
@carefulEast6708
Hi Agreeable Skies! How are you doing today?
Thank you for the invite to your friend group here. I am really glad that you have an online friend group given everything you've told me about your irl social world.
A couple things - I accidentally lost the link to your friend group and can't figure out how to find it again..
Also, probably more significantly.. I get the sense that you and your friends are young ( teens? Early 20s?) I think I may be old enough to be your grandmother 🙄 I don't know how that sort of thing works here. What do you think about having someone who saw the original run of Star Wars Episode IV in 1976 in your friend group?
Lol. We do mind but it's up to you if you want to join! I'm 21 so you aren't far off. Most of them 20-40 idk. That's really cool you saw Star Wars that early! I don't mind you being old at all.
I could link you again if you want but it's up to you ❤️
@agreeableSkies988
Can you link again please?
Of course!
If you have any more trouble finding it, it's under the name Smackmeisters.
And I think we're all different ages so there's no shame in it ❤️
@carefulEast6708
On a completely different subject, what do you think of clip-on earrings? I seem to have inherited a lot of clip-on earrings. They have kind of a vintage look to them. I don't like clip on earrings - either they hurt or they fall off - and I have been sending them to Goodwill.
@agreeableSkies9889
I am alone in a hotel room. Normally I would call my husband and we'd talk about our day, but on Monday he asked me for a divorce ,- two months after I learned he had cheated on me. Two months of failed attempts at couples therapy and such. Ican't sleep can't eat I am so upset. desperately need people to talk to. Thank you for corresponding with me it means a lot to me.
I'm so sorry. I understand how it feels having people whoI love hurting me.
My uncle has sexually harassed me. And my family is really homophobic at times and it really hurts my feelings.
@agreeableSkies9889
I am sorry to hear that. Family should have your back. Home is the one place that should be safe to be yourself.
You're not alone! What are some things that always make you feel better?
@agreeableSkies9889
I need more rest. I haven't been able to sleep and even when I do I wake up with little panic attacks.
I struggle with sleep too. It's was really hard for a long time and it's totally understandable for what you've been through to feel that way
I have a lot of trauma. I don't want to trigger you with anything but just know you're not alone and I won't judge or talk down to you about anything.
@agreeableSkies9889
Thank you. It means a lot to me to be able to talk to real people.
I don't trigger easily but I don't always know what to say. I grew up feeling very different from everyone else and excluded and ostracized, and my family could be cruel in odd ways. My trauma is very different from you but I think childhood trauma really undermines our self worth and confidence. It is not easy to process it all, it's like you have to figure out what other people just absorbed.
I struggle a lot with anxiety and get overwhelmed/overstimulated a lot. My parents pulled me out of school when I was young because they didn't want me to get diagnosed with autism because they didn't want an r-word child lol. I'm finally getting screened for autism next month. I've also been talked down to a lot and been told I need to man up and stuff like that. I was sexually assaulted and stuff too. My family talked down to me a lot and criticized about almost anything and everything. I grew up Christian cults and stuff (nothing against real Christianity but they were literal cults). People used to scream at me as a little kid for being demonic because I didn't process things right 😔
I think you're really strong and don't deserve what happened to you! That must be horrible and I know I'd be so heartbroken. Genuinely screw him. Do you have friends to talk to irl? I don't so no judgement just curious.
@agreeableSkies9889
My brother is autistic and an intellectual disability. Autism has nothing to do with the r-word they're completely different things. This is one of my pet peeves!
It must have been frightening to grow up like that. Religion can be a force for good but only when it starts with unconditional love and a recognition of the inherent worth and dignity of every person - not just the ones that fit some stereotype.
My family used to use the r word a lot lol. Yeah it was super scary. I felt like the love I had was conditional on how much or little I believed in God and they said if you couldn't pray away the autism or other mental illnesses I was I didn't believe hard enough and was going to ***
@agreeableSkies9889
Argh! That's awful! I am so sorry you had to grow up like that!
I believe prayer works in subtle ways. Prayer can give you emotional strength, confidence, and a belief that you can stop worrying because God has you. But I don't believe you can simply "pray away" some part of yourself. I just don't think it works that way. It's not a take out menu!
Can I ask you are you Christian? It doesn't matter to me what religion you are btw just wondering because I've always considered giving religion another try in a non toxic environment but I don't know because my it gives me a bad taste in my mouth because of my trauma. I've always felt a pull towards religion but IDK. I hate the stuff that was forced on me as a kid
@agreeableSkies9889
😀 Believe it or not I am a life long atheist!
But I have many friends who are Christian, have volunteered with some wonderful faith based groups, and have seen how religion can give people strength. I am curious, not so much about the theology, but about how faith and religious practice shape people.
Atheism can give people a kind of strength too..but I don't think it consistently gives courage and optimism in the face of very difficult circumstances.
My favorite definition of faith came from a priest at Notre Dame. He said "faith is the belief that everything will turn out for the best in the end. " That really intrigued me - here was a Catholic priest giving a nonreligious definition of faith! It also kind of explains why religion can give you optimism and courage. If you believe that God is watching out for you and your struggles are part of a larger plan, that can clearly give you strength.
That's cool too! I've been agnostic for a long time.
@agreeableSkies98
Technically I am agnostic. I don't believe we can understand the nature of the Creator of the universe.
I tagged you in a chat I have with some cool people if you're interested in joining. I'm sure they'd love to talk. They're all super supportive and none judgemental
@agreeableSkies9889
Thank you! I need to stop posting for the night but I will follow up tomorrow.
Good night. Hope you feel better. I have a job but I'll try to get to you as soon as I am able and definitely check out the group Chat I tagged you in!
Also don't worry about what to say! Just tell about how you feel. My goal is to make people feel better and I view things through a very different lens then most.
I have a lot of coping skills I could recommend. Not guaranteeing they'd work for you but I'd be happy to share what helps and doesn't help me
How are you liking 7cups so far? I could link you up with my homies on here if you want hehe. There's some really cool non judgemental people on here. If you're lonely there's tons of people like you who love to chat and share and give updates on how they're feeling!
@agreeableSkies9889
I just saw your post to the Cult. I'm sorry you're having a rough night! What's going on?
You are an amazing person, I will never forget how kind you have been to me, a complete stranger in the internet.
Oh thank you. I'm starting to be too overwhelmed with my life. I'm scared and terrified about how the world views trans people right now. My room is a mess because I haven't cleaned it in forever. I just feel really depressed and it's starting to feel like I'm stuck in this body I never wanted
@agreeableSkies9889
It seems like you don't have much support in real life. It sounds like you are very isolated and dealing with some heavy things, like your church and family, without anyone to help in real life. Are you in contact with any LGBTQ+ groups in your area?
Also..I've been poking around on the internet (I'm an expert at everything -- just ask Google! ;>). What do you think of the Trevor Project? Are they a useful resource?
No, sadly I'm not.
Trevor project is awesome!!! I've used it before when I was really overwhelmed. It's the only support hotline that I like
@agreeableSkies9889
I've tried 988. They say they help anyone in crisis but I think their real focus is suicide prevention. There's also a "warm line" in my area - like a hot line, but for people who are distressed but not in immediate crisis. It's great if you get in touch with a real person, but waiting on hold for 30+ minutes..not so great. I don't know if their responders are trained on how to support trans people.
Yeah the wait for Trevor project is usually only like 5-15 minutes where live. I tried the Rainn hotline a couple times but it was like a 45-1 hour wait and I just gave up both times. I've heard bad things about 988 so I never used and yeah I don't know if they are trained to talk to trans people. Maybe after work I'll try to talk to Trevor project again. Usually I feel better after work
@agreeableSkies9889
That sounds like a good plan. If you ever want coping tips for cleaning, let me know. It took me a long time to learn how to keep my spaces reasonably clean. Just learned I have ADHD..wish I had known that in my 20s or 30s, it explains a lot about the stupid stuff in life I have struggled with, like cleaning.
Thanks. It's not so much cleaning as it is just everything in my life. I kinda lost all motivation for anything. I feel like I don't even exist anymore. I don't relate to how I look. I don't like being a guy at all. I feel ashamed. Idk. I feel gross
@agreeableSkies9889
Sounds like depression?
Yeah. It probably is. I just can't bring myself to care about anything right now. I hate my life lol 😭
@agreeableSkies9889
I also want to say that I hear your struggles with your gender identity. It's not something I have personally experienced so it is harder for me to know what to say that would be helpful. I want you to know though that while I don't always have the words I care about you, even though I have only known you for a week. I hate that our culture has such rigid gender roles and wish we could just let people be themselves.
My daughters are very active in the LGBTQ community and have many friends in real life who transitioned in their late teens/early 20s so I have seen the challenges of that but it's kind of third-hand experience for me. I wish you had at least one parent who supported you, that really made a difference for my daughters friends.
Yeah my mom might be but I don't know, it could go either way and no one else would be 😔
@agreeableSkies9889
When you're ready, she sounds like the person to speak with first. One of my daughter's friends was very afraid that her family would reject her. Mom was very supportive and other parents eventually came around. It's one thing to talk about gender identity as an abstract subject, it's another thing to see a child you love more than anything in the world suffering and in pain.
@agreeableSkies9889
Hi AgreeableSkies! How are you doing? The group chat has been quiet the last few days, and I thought I'd check in and see how you are doing.
@carefulEast6708
Sorry I didn't see this till now. I'm okay. Feeling really lonely and kinda sick of being that way but I'm not terrible. How are you doing?
@agreeableSkies9889
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. Anything I can do to help?
I am OK. My husband went on a trip alone .. sent me a text saying "I have been having panic attacks .. I think I am making a catastrophic error, do you think we can work out our problems?" So now divorce and moving out are off the table, so that's good, I am a lot less stressed. But I feel like solving our relationship problems is back on my shoulders and I don't know how to do it.
Going to individual therapy this morning. She's great but she keeps suggesting that my husband and I go back to couples therapy. I felt like the first round was disastrous and am very angry about how it went.
Anyway that's what's new with me.
@carefulEast6706
From what you told me about him he doesn't sound like he deserves your time. I know it's really painful and do what ever you feel is right He cheated on you. There's no way I could find a way to make that work. Idk. Do what you think is best. He already made a catastrophic error... I think it's good you're going to therapy. It's up to you if couples therapy is worth your time. If you ask me though I think you deserve better
@agreeableSkies9889
Thank you!. We have been together for 30 years..I am reluctant to throw that away. If it had just been 5 years it would be a very different story. It's so rare to find someone who I genuinely click with, I would rather try to repair this than go out on my own.
I totally get that and if you would rather do that then I think that's ok too! Just keep in mind that he threw it away already by betraying your trust. There's only so much you can do. I hope things start looking up either way. You're worthy of someone who wouldn't do that to you ❤️
@agreeableSkies9889
Thank you 💕
You are also worthy of love and respect. You are a lovely person who does not deserve the heartache you are getting in real life.
On a different subject, what might be a fun topic for the Cult? I was thinking something like "what fictional character do you most resemble, and why?"
❤️❤️❤️
That's fun idk. Favorite ice cream flavor?
@agreeableSkies9889
Dream summer vacation?
Hope you're doing well this morning
@agreeableSkies9889
I'm doing well! Busy but well! How about you?
I think I am going to post the ice cream question over on the Cult..
I'm ok. Have to work tonight. Just trying to enjoy the rest of my morning before I have to get ready for work. Feeling kinda down but I have been for awhile recently. I'm thinking about seeing a psychologist though I've already canceled my appointment with one twice. Idk.
I'm thinking about possibly learning how crochet 𧶠I have a kit but never actually attempted it before
@agreeableSkies9889
I hope you are able to find some local support. Have you met with this psychologist before? Or would this be a new person? Have you thought about seeing a therapist, like an LPCC?
My unsolicited unfiltered opinion: be careful. Some therapists are absolutely wonderful, but others create trauma, and unfortunately, you can't tell what you are getting until after two or three sessions with them. They'll say one thing in their blurbs on a website, and do the exact opposite in therapy. At the moment I am furious with the couples therapist we recently saw. She was trained in infidelity counselling that emphasized how traumatic it is for the betrayed partner, said she specialized in women's issues.. and, well...that's not what I experienced at all.
Hope you're doing good! Life has been really busy recently and I've kinda got a new BFF I talk to 24/7 right now. I don't really know what is going on with the both of us lol. We just started getting really close online and now we talk like half the day.
That's lovely! I am glad to hear about your new BFF! It sounds like you had a good birthday too. I'm glad; you deserve to have some fun!
There's a lot going on in my life. One of my kids just took a job in a city about 90 minutes away, too far for her to commute so she is going to move out soon. Another one of my kids just came out to us and told us about their SO. Husband and I are still repairing our marriage, I think the crisis is over and now there is a lot of quiet work.
In bad news, my dog has lung cancer. The vet says she has about a month to live.I feel like it happened so fast, she seemed very healthy at the start of the summer but has been struggling lately.
@carefulEast6708
It's good to hear you're out of crisis mode. Only answer if you're comfortable but, What did your kid come out as, what's an SO.
Sorry about your dog , 😔
@agreeableSkies9889
SO is significant other... basically they're dating. My kid resists labels, but her SO is the same gender and her first romantic relationship. It was not a total surprise but she was nervous to tell us. Some of her friends (including her SO) have unsupportive parents. I more afraid that I will get her SOs name wrong (🙄) than anything else.
@carefulEast6708
As a queer person it can be very hard to tell people even if they are accepting. You'd be surprised how dangerous it can be sometimes. You're awesome for being accepting!
@agreeableSkies9889
I can see that. Telling parents is a big deal even if it goes smoothly.
I saw your recent posts over on the Cult. It sounds like you are having a difficult time.
I was wondering..do you think this could be a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of thing? You have had some positive things recently - the trip to the comic convention and your new online friend. Those involved taking risks, and while they both turned out well maybe your body/psyche is still reacting to the risk? Or maybe having a little bit of happiness makes you feel the frustration about other parts of your life more deeply?
How are you doing? Are things getting any better?
Things here are OK. Work is about to pick up...not really motivated for it, I have three more years to retirement..
Go to here things are ok! I mean I feel about the same... Just sad but I have the day off which I guess is better
@agreeableSkies9889
I kinda/sorta have the day off. Just did bills/paperwork. Need to work for a few hours, then run errands and take my kid to the doctor.
What will you do on your day off?
What do you think about using the word "joy" to describe every day things that can be enjoyable? It bugs me - "joy" to me is a peak moment, not "I went for a walk." I keep seeing admonishments to do something not unpleasant but not exactly peak experience either -- "go for a walk! Pet a dog!" -- to add "a little bit of joy to your life" -- and it just makes me want to snarl.
Honestly I'm just going to be lazy
Work has been a lot recently and I have zero energy right now lol
