Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @cyanessence
I’ll respond tomorrow, remind me.
Hoping to sleep off the fear…
Night :)
I feel a lot better about it now… Sleeping it off helped a lot.
My mom’s in the ER right now… She thinks she’s having a heart attack. I’m in the waiting room and separated from her and I am PANICKING :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I understand your reaction, it is a natural response to these kinds of things. If you can, try some breathing exercises, take notice of things around you, what you can see, hear, smell, touch. Try to calm a little, I know it's counter-intuitive. The panic doesn't serve much of a purpose, but it's totally understandable. Most importantly: don't put pressure on yourself. If you just need to feel for a bit, ride it out, remember that everything is ebbs and flows and this is just a valley. It is temporary.
Words feel so hollow right now. I wish there were more I could do. Your world is spinning out right now and it's not fair.
You being there… You have no idea. I feel like you’re my rock rn.
She thought she was having a heart attack, but they said she isn’t. They did X-rays, and they just took her to get a CT scan. I’m sitting in her empty hospital room because they just took her to CT in a stretcher, and I’m waiting for them to come back. My adrenaline has lessened, but I still feel it. And I just feel… sad. :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
This was like peak uncertainty, magnifying a lot of intense emotions. I've been where you are, except I didn't have the strength to reach out. I'm proud of you.
I'm glad it wasn't a heart attack. Things seem more settled I feel? Obviously there's still a lot of questions...
I don't know how you fought through the panic and reached out.
Your mother has a lot of support from the people here. I hope she knows people are thinking of her.
I also had to drive here, while they took her in the ambulance. I relatively recently got a drivers license. I’ve driven alone multiple times before, but coupled with the adrenaline rush… shaky sigh
Kinda. No answers yet tho…
This ain’t my first rodeo with hospitals…
@jesusredeemedme2425
That independence has served you and will continue to serve. Good on you ^^
I can only imagine what that drive was like. You're stronger than I thought people could be.
I’m surprised nothing bad happened. I was freaked…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I do wish you could listen to that song I mentioned, Slow It Down by Benson Boone. I'm sorry to be pushy. It goes against my intuition to suggest this when your mind is elsewhere. It's paradoxical, because in a way I am still following my intuition!
Patience, grasshopper. I’m in a hospital room XD
@jesusredeemedme2425
I know I know... in my heart of hearts I knew I should have patience. But my soul disagreed. I'm very sorry, I feel bad.
In your own time. My mind is with your mum right now. She didn't deserve this, I'm glad she has you.
No, no, no feeling bad lol
I’m calmed by the rhythmic sound of the gentle machines in the background…
I’m trying to keep it together.
Do you want music recommendations? Since I’m bored and idle anyway
@jesusredeemedme2425
Always looking for new music. It seems all genres can offer me something. What speaks to you?
Try “The Other Side” from The Greatest Showman, and let me know when you’re done
@jesusredeemedme2425
It made me cry, I don't know why.
It calls into question the value of true freedom. There is value in living a conventional life, it's not so much a trap that one must be freed from. That comes with great risk, true freedom might be fun, but it's like dragging people into the light. The sun illuminates, but if you look directly at it it blinds.
There is some bargaining though, and there seems to be a deal struck where they meet in the middle.
Do you thrill it’s because you feel trapped in your life?
@jesusredeemedme2425
That's an apt description. It feels I am trapped to follow one specific path. There is some sense of free will but it's pretty weak. I like the path, but everyone else seems so free.
Think, not thrill. Sorry, autocorrect…
I feel trapped too.
Ready for your next song?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hit me!
Wompa, by Fonik.
It’s got a very unexpected, playful twist, but it’s FIRE! <3
I wanna know your thought process when you listen to it hehe
Louder is better btw ;)
?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Hmm, I'm not sure why sometimes it just doesn't notify me of your messages. I was wondering where that music went! I will listen now and get back to you!
Are you subscribed to the thread? Make sure you are. It doesn’t always do it automatically.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It's nostalgic yet new, futuristic. Chaos weaved together into delightful coherence, unexpected twists and turns. A journey for the ear. Where does it lead? Quiet yet enthusiastic reflection, a bit mysterious. A clear end, unexpected in its simplicity which invites intrigue.
Reminds me of when I used to listen to The Flashbulb a lot. Makes me want to listen to Undiscovered Colors again.
Thanks for that!
I love dubstep hehe
She’s getting discharged rn.
I have so many emotions and I can’t cry. I’m stoic.
@jesusredeemedme2425
This is good news :) I know what it's like to feel you just need to cry. Don't force it, it will happen if it's meant to.
Stoic is good right? For some reason I never seem to grasp it. I looked it up and I'm still confused. I can grasp things like programming and statistics and psychology but not this word lol.
Eh.
Emotionless. Empty. Void.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ah! That makes sense. I can't believe it took me this long to learn that. You are a teacher.
I dont think that’s the actual definition tho. It’s more like not showing emotions, poker face, that kinda thing. Sorry for saying the wrong thing
@jesusredeemedme2425
It's much more understanding than I had before. Before, it was quite literally devoid of meaning. Is that irony?
It really is. Devoid is a good term for it lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
I realised there's been a bunch of your comments that I didn't get notifications for. Not sure why that happened!
AHHHHHHH *screams into the void*
@jesusredeemedme2425
I missed this when you posted it. Sometimes screaming into the void is the only thing that brings any comfort. I just wish I'd replied sooner.
I feel the storm is settling now. Perhaps your screams were heard.
I don’t have any outlet…
It is, but we’re not out of the woods yet…
@jesusredeemedme2425
Lean on us here. Everyone is here for you.
You, specifically, kept me sane today.
I was talking to Torean about you. I think you two would get along well :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
Is Torean a member here? There are so many people here I'd love to talk to. Everyone has something valuable to offer, even if it's based in darkness, because it teaches me how I might talk to the shadow mind.
Yeah, he’s actually my best friend here. <3 You’d love him, he likes deep convos and has an awesome sense of humor <3
He posted near yours in The Perfect Blend of Friends! You should go respond to his post and strike up a conversation :)
Shadow mind?
@jesusredeemedme2425
The shadow mind is anyone experiencing darkness, anyone who feels lost, confused, uncertain, depressed. Anyone with distorted thinking. It's a special kind of meaningless existence, and I wish I had more help when I needed it. So, I will try and be that help for others in whatever way I can.
Oh, I get it.
Go look at Torean’s post. Also, his poetry. :)
I went to get the car when she got discharged, and I just sat there for a moment and uttered a groan from deep within my soul… A sound of pain and sadness and… something. Deep and sorrowful and hurt.
@jesusredeemedme2425
It's good to let it out. If you bottle it up it may consume you.
This last little while has been especially challenging for you and you've risen above it. You seem to have a strong intuition that guides you to make good choices. Does that come from God? I could never be sure.
***TW***
Idk how to let it out. That’s not me. I’m “Kiara you’re so strong, I admire you, you’re always happy and good-natured, you never show pain” while I’m also “no one sees my bleeding, shattered heart, I cry on the inside, my physical health is suffering because of my emotional abyss, I’m struggling to function on a daily level and no one sees the absolute h**l of what I face every day…”
My every breath comes from God, so… <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
Maybe make a post about those feelings? I'm sure there would be people that relate. I certainly do. I masked all the time, people thought I was somewhat fine. It's really tough! It's hard to even name all the emotions, thus hard to deal with at all.
I’ve always been “the strong one”. I’ve always hated that. It’s a LOT of pressure to not show emotions…
Yeah… Maybe I will.
Ok, go look for my post. General. Recent.
You told me you’re in Asia.
@jesusredeemedme2425
No way! I don't remember such a thing. I'm blushing just thinking I could have said something like that. Can you show me where?
I'm definitely Australian lol. Never left the country.
I don’t remember where I saw it.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Concerns me, because I don't believe you'd lie about something like that and you seem to be sound of mind.
I however also wouldn't lie. And I feel more clear-headed than I've ever been.
But having lost my mind before, I default to you. I trust you.
If I've temporarily deceived myself I am truly sorry. I believe honesty is a virtue. I will take this as a sign to pay attention to my mental health. I'd appreciate if you'd point out anything else odd, contradictory.
Hm
@jesusredeemedme2425
I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. You are the more consistent one here. I'm notorious for breakdowns. Trust in yourself.
I wanna be able to trust you
@jesusredeemedme2425
You can trust that I have been mad in the past, and this well may be an early warning sign. When I broke I said a lot of things that didn't make sense.
I made a post about feeling like I'm burning and perhaps I should step back. Not disappear, just take some space. I feel overstimulated.
I trust you more and more in this. The fact you're steadfast in your belief I said such a thing is powerful. I need people of sound mind around me to point out when I don't make sense so I can get on top of things before they spiral.
I'm seeking therapy. Just because I recovered from depression doesn't mean I don't need to heal. Perhaps I need to speed that process along.
:(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Why the sad face? I'll be fine :) I'm much more experienced with myself now. If there's something wrong I'll fix it. I've already identified potential burn out and know how to respond to that. I'm in an extremely low pressure environment conducive to healing.