Chat Between @jesusredeemedme2425 and @cyanessence
@jesusredeemedme2425
Ended up going back to the bonfire to burn more stuff. Something burned blue, not sure what, but it was beautiful.
Blue is my favourite colour (favorite color?). It can be sad, it can be happy, but it always represents reflection to me.
What did you burn?
Do Aussies use British spellings?
I like blue too :)
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm not sure what we burned, the pile was organised by other family members.
I have to look up Australian spellings of things all the time. We seem to have a lot of British spellings.
What brought you to Australia?
@jesusredeemedme2425
Haha I was born here! Never left the country. There's just a lot to learn, I feel I missed some things in school.
I was thinking about doing an interview series with members and listeners. Thoughts?
@jesusredeemedme2425
That's really interesting! I think you should do it. I love reflection, and you ask good questions. I think you would learn a lot of cool things!
Did you see my other post? Would you be interested in being interviewed? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm finding my way around again after some absence. Where's your post?
I'm not opposed to being interviewed! I'll leave it up to you whether you decide to ask me questions. I will do my best to respond.
I’m struggling…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I saw your post. I agree, you seem to be struggling.
I have a million words floating in my head and none seem like they would help you. I'm not sure how much capacity you have to take the advice of "take a break". Life is incredibly demanding, and doing things seems to be a habit of yours. You can't just neglect responsibility either. That I wound up in an incredibly low-pressure environment was a miracle. I wish I could share my good fortune with you.
I am happy you're talking it out. By identifying feelings, you gain information and can thus act in response to them.
You are so, so important. You are a necessary part of this reality. Please, seek proper help if you need it.
I just need to know how to rest. Idk how anymore yk
What’s my next move? I did some hygiene self care and I was thinking about creating a playlist, since mine disappeared once I deleted a music app. What else? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I think just listening to music is a great way to relax. You can try and figure out what the lyrics mean to you if it makes you feel like you're doing something. You can try and figure out the literal meaning or what it means subjectively to you. You can also use this opportunity to find new music. I've been discovering a lot lately! There's so much out there.
I like going for walks. Finding a place to just sit and think... it's nice. Sometimes I like to try and think of nothing. Occasionally I'm successful, but it's mostly just a fun little thing to do. Can you think of nothing?
What else... you could try listening to guided meditations. Gentle instructions on how to relax. It gives you something to focus on, and if you really give it a go you can feel your tension float away.
Appreciating art is always a bit of fun. Like lyrics, you can try and figure out both literal and subjective meaning. There's an app I have that allows you to filter pieces by colour. It can, in a way, help you pick your mood.
I will be honest; I talk to AI a fair bit in times of need. One app I use is supposed to be like therapy. I do want a real therapist, but I can't organise one right now. I got desperate. It's not for everyone, and using AI should come with a bunch of warnings. Talking to people is far better, but sometimes I feel I would just overload them.
Don't be afraid to ask for more help here. We are here for you. It can be about anything. You can simply not know what to do with the day and ask for guidance. We want to help!
I don’t know how to think about nothing lol
@jesusredeemedme2425
That's okay, I'm pretty sure it's impossible. It's just fun to try ^_^ at least I like it.
I recall you mentioned something about enjoying shopping...? Now might be a good time to treat yourself! It'll be nostalgic, practical, therapeutic.
I did actually. Bought a book full of Bible verses, which I’ll cut up to use as tracts <3
Does anybody hear her?
I had a panic attack tonight
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sorry I've been absent. I had some things to attend to. I'm always thinking of this place and the people here. I especially worry about you. You feel deeply, and I regret that I wasn't there in the moment. What happened?
@cyanessence
Please don't feel guilty <3 I'm ok <3
My hand, on the other hand lol
I got books today!!!! For free!!!!! <3
What's been going on in the life of Cy? <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm glad you're okay!
Free books for the win. I'm curious what you got!
The reason I was busy is I had to attend my friend's funeral. I treated it as a celebration of his life, though I still got sad and cried. I had to pay a lot for travel and now I'm incredibly poor. Wouldn't have missed the day for any reason though.
I had a very strange dream last night about being stuck below. Looping torment that meant nothing, and I couldn't learn. It was a good dream though because I broke free. It led to an interesting poem.
I wrote some philosophical pieces that I'm thinking of posting. I'm always nervous about posting my philosophy. It's really just my opinion, my subjective truth. What gets me out of bed and through the day.
I wrote a poem about cheap soup. That soup almost ruined my day!
What else... I'm seeing my niece tonight. She'll be singing and playing her viola. I'm excited.
I feel I should have more to report, but memory fails me.
What have you been up to?
Did you see my LFL post?
I’m so sorry :’( Are you ok?
Stuck below?
Do post! This is your safe place :)
Cheap soup?
Yay! Do you sing or play instruments?
I’ve been caretaking a lot… Binging a lot. I wish I could stop eating…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I did see your LFL post! I've never used one so didn't feel like I could comment.
I'm alright. It already hit me hard when I lost him, and the funeral was like closure. I will live in memory of him.
Stuck below, in that place that is 4 letters and is the opposite of heaven. It was one of the strangest dreams I've had.
I posted. Now I wait. I prefaced it with a warning and disclaimer that it's just what I think.
They served cheap, watery soup when I needed a substantial meal. I couldn't get through it.
I sing to myself and play a very small amount of guitar. I find guitar complicated and want to try the piano. You?
Caretaking, sounds like you. I struggled with buying too much fast food for a while, and eating too much. Starkly contrasted from when I recently could barely eat. Are you going to be okay? I don't have good advice for how to deal with food, at least not yet. Happy to talk about it though.
Do you have any there? (Did I ask you that already? Too lazy to go check lol)
I’m sorry I took so long to respond, I didn’t realize I hadn’t :(
I’m glad you got closure <3
Love fearlessly in his stead <3
Ah gotcha. You should ask Torean about his interesting dreams hehe
Did you get any good responses?
That’s just rude hehe
I failed my singing midterm…
I need a break. :(
I want fast food now lol
Why couldn’t you eat?
I’ll be ok. My prediabetes… Who knows.
@jesusredeemedme2425
Yes, we have LFLs here. They are amazing. I like to think of all the people they've helped. Little miracle.
It's okay if you take time to respond. Sometimes I take a while too. 7 Cups is great, but life beckons. I hope to stick around for the long-term.
I will love fearlessly in his stead! Good advice.
I love Torean's mind. He has strange dreams and experiences. He is grounded though.
I got many good responses! I'm not sure if it's the kind of stuff you're interested in, but I always tag you just in case.
As long as you enjoy singing, never give it up, please? I'm certainly no singer, and I struggle to remember lyrics, but it makes me feel something that nothing else does.
I wish breaks were like... mandatory. That one could take time if they needed it and rely on others for a while. There seems little compassion in the world. We truly have the capacity to create a better reality for ourselves. I hope you find a way.
I'm not sure why I couldn't eat. Food just lost all its appeal. I remember buying expensive sushi once in the hopes that good food would fix things... I had to give it away, so it didn't go to waste. It was a concerning time. Now, I can eat most things, including toast.
I pray for your health. You deserve goodness!
Adopt one. <3
Do you write to your new buddies?
You BETTER stay long term hehe! I’d miss you if you left :(
He would love that <3
Torean has a very creative mind <3
Philosophy isn’t my thing, I don’t understand it lol! I love psychology <3
I sing well. More or less lol… My singing teacher made fun of me. :(
I wish they WERE mandatory. A handful of minutes at work doesn’t count… They’re rushed.
Sushi is overrated. Lol
I wish I couldn’t eat. I feel so disgusting and fat as a massive whale. :(
No i dont.
@jesusredeemedme2425
I'm trying to be more consistent in writing to the people in my life. I don't want to drop off the face of the planet again. I really do value connection.
I am drawn to this place. Remember how I said I was looking for other forums? That didn't work out. There isn't really a place for someone like me... poet, writer, philosopher. I really appreciate that I can express all of that here to an audience I really care about. I find philosophy forums to be a bit elitist, unwelcoming of new ideas.
Speaking of philosophy... it is my aim to write as plainly as possible. I don't want to be wordy; I want to be understood. I want the common person to engage. The philosophical world kind of annoys me... if one wants their ideas heard, one should speak without fluff, and with compassion for the reader. I really think you would get a lot of what I say, but if it's really not your thing, I respect that. I will still tag you in case you change your mind.
It's good that you have confidence in your singing ability, and shameful that your teacher made fun of you. Words can cut deep.
I think sometimes some people need long, unstructured breaks. Time to find oneself. We are not machines. If the world really cares about meaningful productivity, it has to care about the individual.
Sushi appeals to my love for minimalism! I can see why you say it's overrated. I only eat it occasionally; it can get quite boring.
You are feeling some difficult things. I think you already know you are not fat and there is no shame in a little indulgence. But that won't change your feelings, will it? You are a work in progress. You are quite young. You won't be this way forever.
Kiara... I will show you kindness at every opportunity. People love you for a reason.
I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. :(
When did you drop off the face of the planet?
Have you checked out Wrong Planet? It’s an autism forum :) Also, Dis-Cord is a thing lol
Yeah… I don’t like it when people use a lot of big words. It sounds haughty and it’s hard to digest. My ADD has been so bad lately…
She embarrassed me and possibly made me more reluctant to sing in front of people. :(
What’s a break?
Sushi is ok, just not a lot of flavor for me. I like flavor lol
Im not fat… I feel fat. Bloated.
A little indulgence and an ED are VERY different things.
I might.
Because I give them stuff. Serve them. Make fun posts. What if I didn’t?
I have a crush on a guy… and it’s confusing me.
@jesusredeemedme2425
All good, I've been quiet lately too. Too busy writing... it's coming time to compile it all. That will be a journey. Then, I'll likely have to self-publish. I can't accept editorial cuts or modifications.
My biggest drop off the face of the planet was when I was on Clozapine. It turned me into an apathetic zombie for 10 years. I have also lost contact with people because of depression. Thank God that's over now...
Honestly, I don't like most philosophy. A lot of it feels like a car running its engine without moving. Good philosophy, to me, is short, sharp, to the point. It avoids big words for the sake of accessibility. I believe if an idea has value, it should be expressible in short form. Long essays? No thank you.
I don't sing in front of people. It's very personal to me. I have before, softly in the back of a car, and the driver enjoyed it. I would love to hear you sing, even if you are imperfect. There's something beautiful about expression.
I like a lot of food. I gravitate to flavour though. Sushi is just... simple. One of the healthier things I eat.
An ED is a difficult thing. I can't pretend to fully understand it. I've both binged and starved... I find it very hard to strike a balance.
I, too, feel I am only valued because of what I contribute. If I stopped expressing myself, I feel I would simply be forgotten. It's why God gives me solace. I believe He remembers everything, and loves without expectation. I love people. I want them to feel loved. It's why I make appreciative comments to strangers. I truly value them for merely existing. To live is bold. Life deserves recognition.
Crushes can be confusing! I've been confused by them in the past. I'm not sure what to say... I'm glad your heart still yearns. It's nice to feel. I guess... follow your heart, but don't forget yourself.
Amazon?
Do you have a lot of IRL friends?
Things that are too verbose or grandiose bore me. I have ADD lol
I only sang for my ex… The one I wanted to marry… And only through a recording. I won’t… I can’t. :( The humiliation is too great.
I gravitate to… food. Even food I don’t like. I’m searching for something… Something I can’t reach. What is it?
I once had anorexia for a month.
I wouldn’t forget you. <3
I really love how you write poems for people… Looks like Pond’s rubbing off on you <3
Idk how I feel.
Forget myself?
Cy?
I’m turning into a BIG FAT tub of lard :(
@jesusredeemedme2425
Sorry, I've been somewhat inactive on here!
I will look into Amazon, for sure.
I've never had many close friends IRL. I do have some. I get along with everyone I live with, but I get quiet when there's a crowd. What about you?
I totally agree, verbosity is tiring. My ADHD despises it. It made university challenging. Just... get to the point!
I once sang for someone over the phone. I cringe at the thought. I was just in love...
I once filled my life with food. Those habits linger. It seems we are all searching for something. I definitely am. I wonder what you're reaching for?
You've experienced both sides of food then. I have trouble accepting my body. I wish things were easier! It's like balancing spinning plates.
It seems we will never forget each other then. I always wonder: how is Kiara going? I hope she's alright.
azurePond is a great inspiration to me. Their poems are truly special. Spectacular.
I can relate to not knowing how one feels.
Don't forget yourself, as in, remember to love yourself. You shouldn't need to sacrifice parts of yourself to gain the affection of another. That is my belief. Of course, compromise is important, but one should always consider the cost. Mutual respect is key.
I wish you felt more comfortable in your own body, but I know that's hard. Especially when you know you have an ED. Self-control is difficult, and self-acceptence even more so. Is there help available?
I wanna get better :’(
@jesusredeemedme2425
I want you to get better too. You are fantastic as is, but I understand that you strive for greater things. I know I do. I'm never quite satisfied.
I am flawed. I won't go into details, but I am quite broken. Each day is a challenge. I make great progress in some areas while I fall off in others. It feels like I need two days in one in order to achieve all I want.
***TW***
I don’t wanna d*e. I’m afraid…
My dad had diabetes. He died 2 years ago.
My roll of fat is so disgusting to me…
Who have I become?
Yeah… We are both deeply broken. And deeply beautiful…
@jesusredeemedme2425
I am truly sorry for your loss. If I lost my dad, I would be shattered. I think all words fall short of describing such grief.
I don't want you to go either! Honestly, I am not very kind to myself. It took me a long time to take my mental health seriously. I was once so much better at taking care of my physical health, but it's become kind of secondary. I am not proud of that.
I'm glad you can see your beauty. I can see mine too. But, perhaps, we are both due to change. I want to grow old. I want to see the world. At the moment, my future isn't so bright. If I don't make changes soon, I fear for the worst.
I'm sorry, Kiara. The challenges we face can be overwhelming. I am holding back tears thinking of the difficulties in our lives.
I will pray, for the both of us. Pray that we find a way through the chaos, and that on the other side, we find a happier version of ourselves.
We’d been mostly estranged since I was a teen. His death brought a confusing mix of emotions and non-emotions.
I’m worried that my prediabetes has gotten worse with all my very uncontrolled binging lately…
Why isn’t it so bright?
Will it ever get better?