For me and berry
Hey friend, now we can talk whenever and somewhat freely lol. How u been? like fr. Im always here if u wanna talk just say smth and ill try to be there.
@Macylou82 hey friend. im sorry im such a bad friend and being awful to you. i do care, im sorry i dont show it enough. and im sorry you have to be a caretaker and maid and have so much on your plate. how old are you? what the heck do they think of you? im really sorry. *hugs* i will try to reply properly later. im a bad friend. im sorry. i know this hurts bc you opened up and im not replying properly. im proud of you for opening up, macy. i know it's hard. im a bad friend im sorry.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 no ur not a bad friend, I am for pouring all that on u. I’ve never told someone all that bc it’s sm and idk how but ur kindest softened me and now I feel bad for opening up that much bc that’s not really me. I’m 14 btw. No fr it’s ok I shoulda gotten it deleted but it’s whatever. Fr ur a amazing friend, I just wrote a story lol, little selfish to expect you to read all that and respond right away yk.
Fr dw about it, u ok?
@Macylou82 macy, you are NOT a bad friend. i want to be a safe space for you to pour out everything. you're struggling and you deserve someone to pour out your struggles onto. everyone needs someone. please macy, i dont want you to feel bad for opening up. thank you for opening up with me, i know that's hard. my kindness softened you? wow, i'm glad to hear that but you really think i'm kind?
*hugs* im sorry i made you feel safe enough to open up and when you did, i didn't respond properly. i know that hurts. i cant read minds but i know the feeling "this pwrson just made me feel safe enough to open up and when i did open up, something came up and they wont reply properly. i poured my heart out and they just walked away and now i feel exposed and judged." im sorry i made you feel like that or something like that. im sorry. im reslly sorry.
you're 14 and expected to take care of adults? and what do the adults do? you're taking care of so many people, but who takes care of you, macy? its unfair. so damn unfair. i beg you to please not get that message deleted. please. i wanna be there for you and reply properly. and i will try doing that in a bit. please dont get it deleted.
what's wrong with writing a story? you're getting it out of your mind and writing it down, that's something to be very proud of. you can write a novel here and i will read it and try my best to reply. i remember i had people who told me i write essays and novels on cups. i could sense their frustration. some talked about me behind my back about how im difficult and write novels. that hurt. i dont wanna hurt you. i dont wanna be that kind of a friend. so please know you can say as much as you want and you wont be bothing me. you're not selfish, macy.
i wanna say im ok but life happening so jm not great. i gtg but im gonna reply properly this evening when my mother leaves me alone.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 ik u do friend, and that alone means a lot 🫂. I just, I’ve learned that opening up, idk doesnt usually work out. U find someone, they leave. Ur left alone again. That’s kinda why I hate openIng up I g I’m just scared I found that in u, and you’ll leave just like everyone yk? Friend u are so kind fr. I mean read back this message and pretend I was writing it to you, this is just one outta sm more examples of ur kindness
Hugs bk. it’s ok fr, we’re both struggling, and it can be overwhelming cause I shared sm, it’s ok if it takes u a couple days to respond fr. Ik which feeling ur talking about, it shouldn’t exist tbh it sucks. But I ain’t feeling that with u, bc ik u just need a couple days to fully respond, and you need enough time too lol. Life’s overwhelming and busy and really gets u down sometimes, and you can’t always be there for a friend when u can barely breath.
Well my grandma and mom aren’t really that well. I’m the healthiest in their eyes, so it makes sense that I’m their coach/caretaker. I won’t delete it. Just don’t force urself to respond ok? Respond when ur mentally ok to do so. Last thing I want is for u to be forced to listen to me complain about my bomb of a life lol.
Idk feel like I’m always being a burden especially when I get ramped up like that. I write it down in my journal, ain’t that enough? lol. Ur so sweet fr, same for u ok? Just cause I’m dealing with my own stuff doesn’t mean I’ll stop being here for u. Yea those don’t sound like nice ppl (no offense), I bet it hurt and I hate that u got hurt like that. Your not to me, I love reading ur words, no matter how many there are. So write away fr. And if u don’t believe me, remember my countless messages when u disappeared? And there are those smiles when I see a notification from our forum, tho u can’t see those lol. Same friend, we ain’t a bother to each other, deal? If I’m not selfish then neither are u 🙃
I get that, wish life would just pause tbh. Ugh mothers leave us alone fr, just got rid of mine speaking of. If u wanna talk about the not so great life, yk where to find me, Alr?
It’s almost 11 and I’m starting to cry (I cry when I’m tired weird ik) so ima give into sleep but fr friend. Don’t force urself to respond, and if u ever wanna talk about smth I’m here *hugs
@Macylou82 hey friend. U doing ok? Are things ok with ur mother? *hugs if ok* I’m here if u wanna talk about anything
@Macylou82 idk. im alive. am i ok? define ok. im a mess. its all a mess. i cant do this anymore. i do reslly wanna d1e but dont have the guts to do anything. so im alive bc i dont have a choice. i pretty much cant control znything in my life.
yeah my mother, its complicated. ive got exams, then this frying heat, no rajn. just awful. i cant handle it. also idk whats wrong with me but my whole body hurts. ive barely been sleeping lately. stay up kate crying or just whatever. ouch my back. jts a mess
thanks for checking in. im sorry im never here for yoy. please feel free to talk here. i feel like a bad friend for not replying properly
honestly, how zre you? how are you coping? *hugs if ok* btw how's jt goint with yiur mom znd grandma? what's yiur relationship eith them like?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 im sorry friend. I get u fr, I’ve been there. But I’m so proud of you for continuing to be here, even if u don’t have the guts to do anything. Maybe in the end that’ll save u? And I’ll be so happy if it does. Control is weird. Can we control anything? Or do we just think we have control over things, we don’t really have control over?
u sound really overwhelmed, I wish u could just catch a break. I hope rain comes soon, frying heat sucks I get u there. Aw, I’m sorry. Barely sleeping isn’t good, ik that’s cliche but I hope u can try to sleep more. And that ur body stops hurting. Sucks when ur body is fighting u just as much as ur mind.
Hey dw it’s ok fr. U dont need to hear my complicated life rn anyway, ur struggling enough with ur own. You are not a bad friend ok? You’re human, and that is ok.
I’m Alr today, it’s mother days in the states so even tho we’re not in the states I’m trying to be a good daughter, get my mother some things, make her happy yk. Unhealthily? Who wants to cope healthily lol. Jk please be safe don’t be me. I see grandma in around 3 weeks irl, but we called her yesterday and she’s doing ok. I don’t think her memory is going away rn, which is really good bc we were really worried about her for a sec. I’m really close with my grandma just cause I spend the most time with her, my mom is iffy. The key is don’t be urself lol
but dw about me and my family, focus on urself rn ok? Also u checked in even tho ur doing terrible, that’s what a good friend would do, not a bad friend
@Macylou82 oh and *hugs* forgot that lol
@Macylou82 yeah im here, im alive. and not happy about it but fine. thanks macy. well yeah control is weird. they teach us about what's in our control and what's not. i think it's complicated. so forget that word. what i mean here is i feel like i have no sense of agancy on my life. which is destroying everything. so yeah idk if we can control anything. we cant always control how we act. life happens. maybe we can make choices but not in all situations. and the things that are typically "out of our control", i think we cant really control or choose there but we can affect things. i cant control how others feel but i can affect it. yeah idk
no rajn here and its so hot. i hate it. i have exams from 15th to 18th may znd im not at all prepared. sleep is a mess tbh. a total mess. i dont think my body will stop hurting just like that. btw my upper back is k1lljng me. and my neck too. they hurt.
i dont need to hear your life bc im struggling? but you are struggling too so you dont need to hear about my complicated life either
oh mother's day. what are you doing? i did nothing. have her a hug. its mother's day here too. it was yesterday. rn its 8:24 am monday morning.
im sorry. wanna talk about how you're coping? im worried.
im glad your grandma seems ok, is memory going a good thing? well i do hope you get to spend time with her in 3 weeks. being close can be nice but also hard. how do yiu feel about it?
sorry about your mom. not be yourself then be who? where to be yourself then? do you feel like you csn be yourself on cups? while talking to me?
you too check in on me when yu terrible yourself. i dont check in enough. im sorry
*hygs back* idk what to do today. im tired and sleepy. should study but feel lazy
@exuberantBlackberry9105 well I’m happy about it for the both of us. Control is complicated fr. Yea I get that. Control is kinda an illusion. It’s weird and complicated fr.
@Macylou82 jm so sorrh. i will reply properly later. im sorry i suck at this. im just really... having a helll of a day. prettt sure im gonna have nughtmares tonight that i went to jail. idk im sick of everything and i dont wanna be here. i really wish soneone would do me a favour by k1lling me. but no one's gonna help me there zo im just gonna go ro sleep and pray j never wake up. i dont believe in god but rn i need god to be there and grant me my wishes.
quick question, how do you define cheating?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 it’s ok fr. Respond whenever, whatever length. I get that, they suck fr. U need more good days. I’m sorry friend, I wish I could just take away all your pain and let your brain leave u alone for a lil. I hope you sleep peacefully, no nightmares.
@Macylou82 i had weird dreams. nothing about jail luckily.
thanks macy. for understanding znd being there.
cheating is desperation? hmm i like that. but no, im not talking about cheating on exams. what jm talking about is something that happened with my mother.
so i had therapy last morning, and we were doing it online. so yeah in my room. and my mother told me to not lock my door during the session. bc why do i need to lock? there's no need.
well i didnt say anythinf when she told me that. didnt beg for permission to lock it. i just locked it anyway. she found out that i locked it. so after the session when i went out, she was so mad at me. asking why i did that, why i wanna lock it. i didnt know what to say, i just said im sorry. she said im deceiving and she is doing so much for me and im deceiving my own mother. asking why i even wanna lock. and why i didnt tell her that and locked it anyway.
i had nothing to say. that hurt and i didnt know what to say so yeah i was just numbing. then at night she wanted to reslly talk about it. told me what i did is cheating. made me promise not to ever do it again. not do what? cheating, lying, harming anyone. made me promise. i hate msking promises i know j cant keep but i didnt know what to say. i promised that i will never cheat again. or lie. but ik j will. at least to my mother. my whole life is lying to her and "cheating". so now i have to live with the shame and guilt of that.
she asked me if what i did comes in my definition of cheating. i said idk how to define cheating. asked me if what i did was right or wrong, cheating or not cheating. znd you can guess what i had to say to not make things worse. saying it was wrong and cheating.
also why? why do i wanna lock my door so bad during therapy? what's the need?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 im a lil confused on how that situation is cheating? I get the lying and masking, I do the same. It’s hard that we gotta mask ourselves and not be our real selfs around our loved ones. But I’m really confused on why she considered that cheating.
@Macylou82 idk either im confused.
yeah but why j wanna lock door? i could just close it without locking
im a mess im sorrh. evehrhtjnf hurts znd im just a piece of crap and j cant take life anymore. 2 days till exams and evehthinf js a mess. ive lost all hope. also me lonely but too tired to talk and really connect. snd everyone js busy so im just on my own and j cant do this
@exuberantBlackberry9105 yea but maybe that gives u more sense of privacy? Knowing your mother can’t just barge in?
@Macylou82 i doubt that they will go ok. am i at rock bottom? bc im in a pickle and the stakes are super high rn. or maybe not, maybe it gets worse.
thanks for the hugs. znd im sorry you find hugs suffocating, i didnt know that so i put hugs everywhere. i like hugs. only tight ones. they're comforting for me but i dont really have anyone i can hug on a regular basis. sure i can hug my mother but i dont like her. so i hug my pillow. squeeze it to death. i wish someone would give me a squeeze it ok, im on my own
thanks macy. yeah but i feel alone. everythinf hurts
@exuberantBlackberry9105 well I’ll hold enough hope for the both of us. Yk I always wonder what classifies as rock bottom, cause I don’t think there’s a true rock bottom, it kinda just keeps going yk? Idk my thoughts lol
it’s just irl, I ain’t a fan of being touched irl lol. I get that, I don’t think I’d mind hugs if it was a true, collapsing in ur arms hug, yk? Like your hugging someone and they get the weight that is crushing u and they take it off for a lil, by hugging u. I wish u had someone to squeeze, that’s not ur pillow
I get that, but ur not alone not with me here, ok? Im sorry friend
@Macylou82 thanks for bejng here. im sorry for my late and short replies. i really am. you deserve someone better.
i have exam tomorrow... idk how to feel. im a mess. trying ro get my life together but idk.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 ofc friend. That’s ok ik ur struggling rn and I don’t expect you to write a lot every reply lol. That’d get overwhelming
I hope you do good fr. I’m sorry ur not a mess tho ur just overwhelmed and that’s understandable
i have exam today. its 6 am. i dont have to be up till 7 but im up znd my neck is killing me. i csnt mive my head st all jt hurts so bad. ahhhhhhhh wth to do? gosh wthis wrong
@exuberantBlackberry9105 I hope u slept well. I’m sorry about your head and neck tho, I hope the pain went away.it might be from the stress? Idk hope ur feeling better
@Macylou82 thanks macy. but yeah i messed up the exam, i have another tomorrow and i'm not studying, and my neck, upper back is still yeah...
how are you? i suck at replying properly but i care about you. im sorry i dont show it enough. i suck at replying. especially forums are hard. i wish we could message on cups. im sorry
me here for you. how are you managing?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 aw no I’m so sorry. Can u take anything for ur back? Just try to get some rest, ok?
Dw about me that really don’t matter. It’s ok fr, you’re overwhelmed rn with everything going on. Don’t be sorry it’s ok fr. But yea that would be nice
I’m not lol but whatever
@Macylou82 i havent studied at all and have exam...
what's going on with you does matter. to me it does.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 I really hope u do ok fr.
@Macylou82 i messed up exam again lol. as usual.
how are yiu, reslly?
exams end on monday snd i hope after that i will try harder reply to you better. im sorry im not helping rn
idk what after exams. maybe just drowning still but idk what it will be like. could just be timepass znd scrolling my days away. like i did after exams in march. instead of doing znything good or useful znd finally replying to people i care about. idk what's wrong with me
@exuberantBlackberry9105 damn I’m so sorry friend.
@Macylou82 im sorry you struggling so much. wanna talk about it? i dont want you to have to drink the pain down. im here for you.
ive just been distractinf and scrolling and its 1 am and jm so numb. wish i could cry it out but cant.
i care about yoy and dont want you to have to cope by going numb. you matter to me.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 same thing. Just stressed who cares not me! I’m a drunk been doing it for yrs it’s ok.
@Macylou82 what's stressing you friend? is it family stuff, school stuff, or something else? i care. i do.
yeah fell asleep at some point. am up now, its morning, time to study.
i want you to feel happy but i wish something else could make you feel happy. what else you do to cope, macy? im worried.
ik talking is hard and takes lots of energy and i get it if you dont have that rn. but could we please try you talking here and getting things off your chest? i feel like a bzd friend for never replying properly but i wanna do better. i wanna be there.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 u want the full list? Applying for a job and interviews, the states, my mental health in the states, family, my grandmas health, my moms health, packing, travel day cause I gotta sneak this phone with me, drivers ed, that’s just what’s coming up lol. No need to reply to this I’m just too exhausted to care atp and I trust u, which is rare I have wonderful trust issues lol
Hope u were able to study fr
don’t worry, I’m still here ain’t I? Oddly enough
I Prefer being a mouse lol. Unless I’m around the right crowd. Ur not a bad friend. We’re both struggling rn and that’s ok. Ur just trying to survive same as me. I’m just used to stuffing my feelings down so no one sees them. Pls don’t do it’s not healthy
@Macylou82 oh dear. you're 14. why do you have to apply for a job? can i do it instead of you? bc i really would like to have a job. but i cant bc a high school student from a middle class indian family having a job is unacceptable. people from middle class families here dont start working until after college. or if its a rough financial situation, while going to college. im only 16. technically i can get a job but its socially unacceptable. ok so why do you have to apply for a job? is it your choice? and what you planning to do? wishing you luck.
wanna talk about your mental health in the states? what happens? btw im sorry my memory is messed up but i have the traveling between usa and costa rica thing messed up in my mind. im sorry. i will go read our old posts after exams and figure out. im so sorry i forgot and got it confused. that doesnt mean i dont care about you bc i do. but my mind is a mess. im sorrh.
driving? arent you 14? so what really is going on? what you learning to drive and is it your choice or not?
thank you for trusting me with this. i know its hard. i wonder how come you trust me, what makes you feel safe enough to trust me? thanks though. it means a lot. i hope i never do anything to screw up and break this trust. and please know i never mean to hurt you. like people made me trust them only to hurt me. i dont wanna do that.
studying with mt mother, its a mess, shes saying we did nothing all day, should have done this and that and she's anxious and frustrated and that's bringing me down and i feel so bad. like i know nothing. but a while ago i was answering questions and feeling a bit conficent and im down in the depths again.
im glad you're here today. what does mouse mean? right crowd? ever found one?
we both struggling and it sucks but yeah life sucks. im sorry you feel like you need to stuff your feelings down. you can show them to me if you feel comfy, ok? no pressure. i dont like stuffing but sadly do it sometimes and it never ends well.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 I want to get a job, It’ll be good for my anxiety it’s just the process that’s stressing me out. Cause I gotta go alone and I about had an anxiety attack checking out today with my friend, how am I gonna go up and get my own application and do my own interview? Aw that sucks tho. I wish u could work too. Weird that it’s socially unacceptable. We were middle class in the states and knew so many other middle class family’s that worked. My sister would have worked if she was aloud but mom didnt let her. Glad she came to her senses for me. I’m gonna work in either a fast food place, donut place, or ice cream places. I acc have a connection to one place so hoping they pay good. But I’ll apply to everything (I have a list) and go from there
your Gonna think I’m crazy lol. I kinda am crazy? I have a ghost called Benny. Which to dumb it down, I hear footsteps and see shadows so I joke that it’s a ghost lol. So that’s funny I get extremely bad anxiety and I get to be terrified before I fall asleep lol. Oh that gets so confusing dw I live in Costa Rica, yea? But my moms side of the family lives in the states plus all our friends so we go bk once a yr at worst last yr I got to go bk twice but usually we only go once unless my grandparents pay for our tickets does that clear it up? I live 90% in Costa Rica 10% in the states. No dw I know you care it’s really confusing fr
I’ll be 15 in July so I can get my permit in the states since I’ll be older than 14 and nine months. I want to it’s my choice. I can’t even drive in Costa Rica except back roads but it’s just smth I wanna do yk? So I’ll drive like my mom and grandma around, run errands with them, drive myself to work (with mom ofc) I’m just nervous cause again anxiety! Face ur fears tho lol.
Tbh idk, I know you’re not gonna trash talk me, or judge me. You’ll even get me sometimes so idk I just feel like I can trust u I g. Idk how to explain lol. Trust isn’t really smth u can explain yk? You’ve never hurt me friend. Never. Aw I’m sorry I’ve had that happen to me too it’s sucks and it’s so painful.
Aw I’m sorry idk why mothers always have to bring us down, like can’t you just build us up for once? I’m proud of you for answering some questions tho
Like your so quiet you barely speak (which I call squeaking cause I always sound so timid and tiny and quiet like a mouse lol) the right crowd, where I can be myself and let myself go, lose all the tension. Usually only happens when I drink but we have some friends who are awesome and so funny, and when I’m loose I can be more myself then I can usually be
Ik thank u friend, I’m trying to be but idk I keep myself closed, im a closed book and I rarely give ppl a key. Ooh I like that i just came up with that lol. Yea it’s not a great thing but u never have to stuff them down with me ok? Im always here to listen *hugs if ok*
i wanna do well in this exam wnd im panicking so bad. nothing heloing. i have some time to revise but idk what to revise
@exuberantBlackberry9105 just try to take it one problem at a time. Or start with the easiest subject. Hugs if ok. I’m sorry I hope ur able to get something done
@Macylou82 yesh exam happened. jt was whatever. nothing too bad but not good either. but yeah its all over now. and i was happy about that at first. but then my mother... saw her face and im down. also i was like yayyy holiday from studying now. and she's like "yeah you had holiday before too. and you chose to give retest, i didnt. and what holiday? now admission process. you think yiu have holiday but i dont. no holidays for me"
this is the guide to the best thing to tell a depressed teen who rarely ever feels good. perfect guide to pulling people down. guide to making someone anhedonic. i get that my nother never gets holidays and rest but bc she cant get a break, not letting others get a guilt free break is so fuckjng cruel and selfish and i hate that helll of a lazy. just bc she cant enjoy her life doesnt make it ok for her to stop others from enjoying.
if i dont have something id at least want my kids to have it, even if i never get it. just bc her life has been crapp doesnt mean she has to make others lives crap.
bc someone had a difficult childhood, they grow up and make other's childhoods crap. bc if they didnt get the good stuff, they wont let the next generation have it either bc they never had it and if this is the world we live in, why should i stop myself from k1lljng myself?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 middle ground tho, that's better then bad ground. ugh why can't she just leave u alone and let u be happy for once. That's not fair tho, u deserve a break from everything
That is kinda selfish yea
Yea exactly, we should want our kids to have better then we had
Not the whole world maybe? Maybe some people learn from their childhoods and they strive to do better? Because maybe u wanna change the cycle, maybe if u have kids someday your going to give them better then you ever had.
macy im so sorry i csnt take it anymore im too weak
@exuberantBlackberry9105 hey you’re not weak, talk to me what’s going on? Are you safe? Just take a deep breath I know things are hard right now, but you’ve already made it this far friend. Please just hold on, one day at a time ok?
@Macylou82 I’m really worried now please respond
@Macylou82 i didnt do anytbing but i wish i did
@exuberantBlackberry9105 I am so so so so glad you didn’t. Do you know what made u almost do smth? Or u just reached a breaking point. U dunno how relieved I am to see u respond tho, I’ve been refreshing our forum all day. Hugs if ok. Are u ok?
@Macylou82 what makes me wanna do it? just everything. my mother. everything. idk what to say. if you here rn maybe wanna chat in sr and i could explain better?
*hugs back* not ok. falling apart. regretting not attempting. i cant do this
@exuberantBlackberry9105 sorry I had to do the dishes and couple other things. U can always chat a storm tho maybe it’ll make sense maybe it won’t, idk
just Take a deep breath, u got a break from exams right? Maybe just try to enjoy that? What helps me is trying to appreciate the little things. Like the pretty sky or smth. U wanna try that? Maybe point out a couple of little things that you appreciate?
@Macylou82 oh dont be sorry macy. please dont be sorry.
idk what to say or how to explain though. i woke up, decided to cope by making myself busy, like on my feet all morning kinda busy to try to feel better and be distracted. and it was helping but yeah idk im down again.
yes i have a break from exams but im not even using that time to reply to you properly. im sorry. oh idk how to enjoy. enjoy how?
im glad little things help you. idk what little things i could focus on. the sky is nothing pretty rn. it was nice yesterday evening. i couldnt take a photo though so that makes me feel awful. the moon too looked great yesterday. and the breeze was pretty good. it was cool last night. that was nice. when i woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom this morning it was still a bit dark and cool. i liked that. but then the sun came out and i hate, i fuckjng hate the sun. especislly in summer. j hate jt when the sky gets briggter. esp hate afternoons. its so hot a bright and my mother doesnt want me napping so idk wth to do in afternoons
i appreciate you btw
@exuberantBlackberry9105 im glad it worked for a lil at least tho.
Dw about that fr
im glad the sky and moon were pretty yesterday, you'll get a better picture next time its pretty so really ur saving ur camera for another night, A prettier night. Yea Im not a huge fan of the sun either. Hopefully it'll cool down some soon since its evening for u. Is there any hobby's you enjoy doing that you can do? Drawing, writing, playing a game on ur phone? that's not a hobby idk lol.
@Macylou82 i wont get a better picture next time lol. i dont think i'll get the exact same thing again. but yeah its fine. idk its still pretty hot. i hate life.
hobbies? drawing, no i cant draw. writing? writing what? no games lol i find them pointless. plus they take effort. scrolling is pointless too but at least it doesnt take effort. im tired, i should probably go to bed. im sorry im never replying properly to you macy.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 maybe you’re just waiting for a better night and u just don’t know it yet. I’m sorry the heat really sucks sometimes
Idk anything? I hope ur asleep and sleeping ok. Maybe u should try to think of something’s that give u a lil joy and try to do them. Just try to really think about that. Dw about that fr
@Macylou82 thanks macy
enough about me though. how are you, really? you ok? you dont sound ok. i have a feeling something is really wrong rn and i wanna be there for you. im sorry i still havent replied to older messages but can i be there for you rn? what's going on?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 funny bc I was acc ok for the first time since I got the news today. Yea um grandpa has prostate cancer. Had a lil panic attack in front of my friend the other day lol, almost had another one yesterday. Now my brain won’t stop spiraling. Finally got some peace today but that’s not gonna last. Fun fact prostate cancer surgery 99% of ppl are fine so idk why I’m being me. Sorry u asked yet? lol
hru today?
@Macylou82 doing ok friend?
@Macylou82 im sorry. how are you?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 don’t be sorry, you ok?
@Macylou82 not really, but thanks for checking in even though i never do it and im never here for you. you deserve better than me. im sorry i suck.
im sorry about your grandpa btw, how's it going?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 ur struggling it’s ok fr. What’s up that ain’t making u ok? U dont suck. Ur human it is ok fr
Oh u read that lol. I was hoping we could just ignore that bc I shouldn’t put my stuff on u, when ur struggling enough already. He’s idk I ain’t with him, but I think he’s ok.
@Macylou82 you're struggling too, macy. i see that, im sorry im not doing much though. well, a lot's going on, with my mother mostly, or just my parents in general, mother's sick, father's busy, he hates my mother, is mad at her and is always talking badly to her. and he hates when anyone but him gets sick. esp my mother. like her health isnt health. he sees her as a burden, taking her to the doctor, etc. she usually has to go herself or just doesnt go. no wonder my mother feels hurts and neglected bc yes my father doesnt care about her needs, about letting her follow doctor's instructions. yk what i think? in arranged marriages the husband should have to sign a contract/agreement saying he will take his wife to the dentist every 6 months, pay for any necessary procedures, take her to a general physician at least once every year, and take her to any required doctor on demand. and if she has kids, he should be mandated to let her rest for medically recommended period. ofc it might not be necessary in all arranged marrieges, it's only needed in arranged marriages where the woman was forced by her family and couldnt say no, and if the woman is financially dependent and/or doesnt drive, but it cant hurt to have such an agreement in all arranged marriages right? idk. this is life.
yeah that and having to look at colleges and knowing my desired colleges wont probably take me bc my marks are too low. then this summer heat, loneliness, im just so lonely. home all the time except scooter lessons in the eveing with my father but those are tiring and also i need other people in my life irl except just my parents. but i cant go to my "school fruend" either bc my father gets irritated taking me to her house bc her parents make him come in and wait. and my mother doesnt want her coming over here bc we dont have an ac and she does so my mother says she will be offended sitting in a house without ac so we have to wait till weather gets better to have her come over.
and then my mother broke me by telling me that im so young and wont understand this now but its not good to go to anyone's house or call them here too often bc im young now and now its ok but later on these things apparantly come down to expectations like "i did so much for you then, you have to pay me back". that broke me bc i hate the idea that everyting in life is transactional. a true friendship shouldnt be. but i also know this person from school isnt a true close friend. just the only person my age so wants to spend time with me irl. the true friends i do have are only on cups but my mother makes me question everything and doubt everything and me thinking everyone has selfish motives and its all transactional and life is pointless and no one cares so im better gone. etc etc. lots going on in my head. also funny how among animals, many dont have any long term relationships or stuff and its all transactional and baby making and then over. or sick injured animals are just left sometimes bc they are no longer useful. what if its like that with humans too? idk. makes me wanna d1e but im too scared to attempt bc im scared it wont work and i'll survive it and need to go to the hospital and more expenses and im gonna be an even bigger burden.
please talk to me, you can put your stuff on me bc i wanna know even if i suck at replying. i read everything. just cant get myself to reply properly a lot. i was hoping to reply properly today but i feel like crap and im not gonna be helpful so im sorry. i do wanna hear about you though. what's going on on your end? how you feeling?
@exuberantBlackberry9105 ah screw me lol. It’s ok fr. I’m sorry about your mother, I hope she gets better soon. And I can kind of relate. Your dad sounds a lil like mine lol. No seriously tho, it sucks and I’m sorry you have to witness it. That’s kind of selfish, we’re human we get sick. We’re not indestructible. I agree with that. If your wife or child is unwell, they should be able to get the help they need. Yea I like that.
@Macylou82 hey friend, how u doing?
@Macylou82 terribly. wondering if it can get any worse. im broken. my mother took things too far. i can never get better or feel better anymore. can never do anything meaningful. im not capable of anything real or meaningful, or any connection. im only gonna hurt everyone. i care about you and dont wanna hurt you, im sorry i have. i hope you can find better people jn your life who dont hurt you. that cant be me. im broken. im sorry. you deserve better
@exuberantBlackberry9105 I’m sorry friend. I’m extremely exhausted rn and I need to get to bed rn but what happened with ur mother? I’m sorry, I have no words rn I’m sorry
im sorry. i hate myself for doing what ive been doing to yiu. i apologise but you do not have to forgive me ever. i just wanna let yoy know that i think of you everyday and wonder how you're doing. but i cant get myself to reply and talk i hate forums. i dont mean to make you feel ignored. this is me making myself say a little something to let yoy know that you matter to me. i will try my best to read and reply to everything else tomorrow. im sorry
@exuberantBlackberry9105 hey ur struggling it’s ok. And if u hate forums sm then we can always talk in rooms too. I don’t want u to do smth for me that u hate fr. I think of u a lot too. I was just thinking about dropping a check in but I’ve been really busy lately lol. I’m not feeling ignored either it’s ok fr. Thank u friend u matter to me too. Dw about replying or reading anything it is ok fr. Take all the time u need and I’m here if u need ok?
@Macylou82doin ok friend? Miss u 🫂. Take ur time tho I’ll be here waiting for u when ur ready
@Macylou82 aw no ur accounts gone again. Really hope ur ok
@Macylou82 I’ve been so busy I forgot to check in. Just saw ur accounts back up. Glad ur back friend Hope ur doing ok
