Just an ordinary forum.
Please don't lurk, upvote, or post, unless you are me (Izzy) or @Creamyyy
Please and thank you 🙃
@IzzyGamer
Hey Im so glad you decided to reach out. How are you doing, friend?
I was just wondering on how loneliness never ceases ... but it can be shared with others 💛
@Creamyyy
I mean I'm alive...? I don't really know how I am tbh.
How are you?
It's okay not to know how you are. Honest. Because mostly we just say we are okay because that's what's expected of us? Me ... well... my mind is going between visions of joy / completeness and suffocation of loneliness. Do I really have any control as I seem to think, or am I simply in control of my mind? Phew.
Im 38 year old woman btw. I got depressed as a teenager. Due to various reasons. Thats why my heart goes out to anyone facing emotional turmoil and confusion at a young age. It's overwhelming for anyone, but even more as a young adult. I feel you 💛✨️
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
I wish I knew how I was. I don't even know what's wrong. Everything is so confusing and tangled. I say Im fine because i don't know how to explain how I feel. Its so hard for me describe how I'm feeling because its not a thought or anything, its just a feeling. I don't even know what I doing.
your doing the best you can, loneliness is hard, I get that.
I'm 15, and I absolutely hate being 15 sometimes. 😆 its been a hard and overwhelming, but I take it one day at a time, because what else can I do.
Okay let me go back to the time when I was 15. As an icebreaker. And then you can tell me how similar/ different it is for me.
So I really had an insecurity that I couldn't be a star, so to prove myself wrong, and find my faith, I went to study extra subjects for my Olevels. I did end up being a school star a year later :)
I felt a lot of social isolation , envy and hate... due to a health condition most likely or maybe just luck giving me friends who really didn't make me feel any good. Maybe it was easier because of that to focus my entire attention to my studies because what else was I left to do with no friendship being worthy of my time and emotions , alas!
I started talking to a guy online. My first even online guy friend. It was a big thing back then. Internet had just arrived. I had just turned 15 with teenage hormones kicking in.
A year later, at 16, I was to have my first crush at a tuition i joined for one of my extra courses. And I remembered gawking at him. He stared back too. But that was that. I was too shy to proceed. It was a good feeling. The first feeling of oxytocin - I would say. Because "love" takes a lifetime to define, haha, so I won't use that word loosely anymore.
My home life had its plusses and minuses. But I remember feeling my job as a parent pleaser was going to expire soon, and right or wrong, I was about to experiment going my way, and discovering who I really was.
@IzzyGamer
*how similar/ different it is for "you"
Typo, sorry
@Creamyyy
my story is actually quite a bit different.
Okay to start I'm homeschooled and that in itself has its own plusses and minuses. It always seems to be a never ending stressor. I'm somehow always behind? But that's due to a lot of different reasons and me procrastinating way too much lol.
Its cool because I get to spend more time with family... except my mom, i'm pretty sure she hates me. But I have a lot of flexibility with my schedule which allows me to do more than if I went to public school.
I play soccer for a local highschool, which is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Joining that team affected a lot of what is going on for me both in a good and a bad way. (mostly a good way) I learned what it was like lose someone, probably never to see them again. The hardest thing I've ever had to do... was learn how to say goodbye. But I also learned what it was like to be a part of something meaningful.
This past year has probably been the hardest part of my life, but also the part that has changed me the most, both good and bad.
Ive always had a leaning towards homeschooling especially in early years ... depending on the child. For someone like myself, who learns only through gentleness, the strict/ harsh culture of my school just made me so much scared. I won't want that for other kids.
You are not behind. You are growing at your own pace. I think competition is with oneself , theres no race. I was forced to be competitive by my father , but years later, I rejected his mindset, and formed my own. Life is to be enjoyed. We procrastinate when we feel things as a burden, if we see them as an opportunity that we want to choose, the pursuit becomes natural and fun.
I feel you on getting hate vibes from your mother. A 7cups friend recently pointed out to me about misogynistic mothers who may want to love but are subconsciously misogynistic because they are competing with a younger girl child. It was interesting. I feel like something like that maybe going on with my mom. Although she is praying for me all the time, the minute I make strides in achieving my goals, she sets in a million obstacles and launches so much critique my confidence is brought to zero and I have to start all over again.
That soccer taught you the acceptance of loss is a great life learning ! I also believe loss gets compensated with life in different ways.
In what ways do you identify your changes since last year?
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
I think I just need to stop being so hard on myself. My parents put a lot of pressure on me for school and it just overwhelm me. I have so much self hatred sometimes, which ik is also probably not a good thing.
My mom just never trusts me in anything, she doesn't respect my boundaries at all, she treats me like I'm worthless.
I can't say everything that's happened this past year has been good... Because it hasn't. My mental health slowly started getting worse as time went on. It's like one thing happened to start it and everything just went downhill from there. I've had to learn to figure things out for myself, and half the time I still don't know what I'm doing. Feels like I'm on autopilot. Nothing seems real to me anymore. I don't recognize the person I've become. I barely talk anymore.
While a lot of what has happened hasn't been great there has been some good that has happened. I've made new friends who I genuinely enjoy being around. I've found my love for writing again and as well as for drawing/ painting. I went on to win an award for one of them.
I guess there has been some good to come out of this whole situation.
Self hate/ procrastinating are different sides of the same coin and Im glad youve identified it for yourself. Believe it or not, getting to this first step of recognising youre being too hard on yourself can take very long for some people (including me). Youre doing well!
Now on to the second part. How to transform this burden into something you enjoy and be excellent at without the perfectionism self torture? Again, I see that you've found that outlet in writing and drawing. Maybe thats your vocation? Congratulations on the award 👏 Im so happy for you 💗 Awards remain a part of your memories forever. And the kind of encouragement they give you, takes you to the next level of your confidence. I wouldn't have found my way had it not been for my academic accomplishments that gave me faith in myself. So I continued to experiment with ideas, feeling somewhere something would click, the way it had in my earlier years. I am still exploring, of course.
Regarding parents, I find it really sad that those who are entrusted with the responsibility of guardianship, refuse to see their shortcomings and grow along. I have had a tough time with my parents too. Never found the emotional support I needed. Still dont. And it does make your battles harder because you have to be even more independent than you had in mind. I hope to be a parent one day and I truly hope I will support my children's dreams and not crush their confidence. Thats the best purpose I can elicit from the hand dealt to me.
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
I guess I sort of came to the realization that self hate isn't good without really realizing it. But there's still part of me that is conflicted with it and doesn't want to stop it? Just another thing to add to my list of things that don't make sense.
This is why I keep how I feel hidden, my parents won't understand and I doubt they would care, same with most other people I know. No one seems to understand why I keep how I feel hidden. People always seem to just want to pressure me into talking about how I feel when that's not something I want to do. My dad I guess actually cares about how I feel, my mom acts like she does but ok she doesn't.
You should express when you have the urge to do so, not under any pressure. I apologise if I might have inadvertently done the same to you. I guess I just wanted you to feel safe to open up, as much as you wished.
When I joined cups several years back, I would start a listener chat and literally have nothing to say. The listeners would get irked and leave. Some stayed. And the ones that stayed made all the difference. I was at that point when I wasn't ready to trust anyone with my heart - all I wanted was someone to sit with me.
I share my stories with people here, only with the hope there can be some benefit for others in it.
Im glad you feel more positive about your dad's intent towards you. Having some trust in guardian figures really builds a stable environment under which one can flourish.
Self hate isnt easy to let go just because you've identified it. Sometimes you need to see love from others towards you to actually internalise you're deserving of more care than what you're currently giving yourself.
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
You didn't do anything wrong, I chose to do the pen pal. you didn't pressure me into doing anything I did this, because I wanted to, not be because you did anything to pressure me. And I really do appreciate you listening to me. When I do have the urge I do share what I'm feeling even if it's not everything, that's bothering me.
I just wish I could let go of my past, wish I could just let go and move on.
When you say you can't seem to let go off your past, is it about forgiving others or yourself that is the hard part?
One thing that has helped me is seeing myself and others as human beings who suffer from flaws because that's being human like. Sometimes we make errors due to some vices like greed , other times it's simply not knowing any other better navigation better. We all have the power to learn though and that's the part which makes all the difference to me.
Forgiveness doesnt exclude accountability. What is wrong is wrong and will remain so. It can take a lot of time though to clear the past .... we are not like machines. Our feelings carry so much weight. They can't be silenced on command, they have to be understood in their minutest detail and dealt with compassion.
I feel like we are always parents and children in dialogue within ourselves.
Anything relatable from my rambling? Lol
❤️
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
When I say let go of my past I mean like trying to let go of my trauma. Ik it won't completely go away but I can't keep living with flashbacks anymore. It's exhausting. I can't seem to not blame myself for what happened. I always think that what happened was my fault.
My trauma is rooted Into all the others problems I have. It's why I'm scared to trust anyone. It's why I get nervous around people. It's why I have so much self hate.
Wish there was just some magical delete button to make me forget. I don't even know how to to heal from this. it's been years and I'm just now starting to be bothered by this? Why now?
Yes, there is relatability from what your saying (:
Im sorry about the trauma and the flashbacks :(
Men left me some trauma too ... took a lot of years to get past it.
You need to be really clear if you deserve the blame or not. Because if you're suffering from false guilt - it might just be really unfair? And if there is some mistake you've made, then it's about making change for the future, and forgiving your humanness. I can assure you that the courage required in this act is far far bigger than the weight of your mistake.
If you are comfortable about sharing the source of the trauma, Id happy to play a listening ear. But no pressure, if you're not there yet to open up yet. You need time and space to process things.
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
I don't understand why this is now just bothering me. It's been 4 years, why am I just now starting to process everything. Why not earlier. I don't know how to process it without panicking.
I had something forced upon at the time that I now use as a coping mechanism, and I hate it so much. I hate doing it and idk how to stop.
I can't do this anymore, I'm so tired of reliving everything, it's exhausting.
You just started to process this because all this time you were using it as a coping mechanism... thats making sense to me. You took it as an anchor when you couldn't find anything else - you tried to survive. Now you have evolved. You have awakened. You no longer want to cope through this means anymore. You want to live life fully. You want to process and heal and make it a chapter of the past that doesn't steal from your future.
Because I faced sexual harassment and partners who treated me in a manner that didn't suit my worth, it put me in a trauma too. I couldn't fantasize love. I wanted to know what love looked like but I didn't know how to get there. All I had was dark fantasies fed to me by the harassers. And I hated myself for having those because that wasnt me at my core. Yet - I had to use them to cope when I didnt know any other way out.
Im out of it and am able to clearly visualise love now. I dont have anymore dark fantasies.
How did it happen? 1. Prayer - repeatedly. Believing the Creator will forge a path for me to get out of my darkness 2. Trying to connect with others. Seeing I wasn't the only one with issues. Seeing we all needed to give each other love to heal. Feeling the love from others.
If my stories help you in any way, I'd be so relieved.
I'm with you on your journey as a well wisher. Sooner or later, you will sail your boat.
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
I guess in a way that does make sense, but I've always hated coping this way. I remember when I was younger I hated it then as well. So why didn't I start processing it then?
This whole situation never happened irl, it happened online, which feels stupid. Idk why I trusted him, don't know why I listened. What was i thinking. I'm so scared of this guy somehow finding me idk why though.
What you said about not being able to fantasize love... I feel the same way. I can't imagine myself like that because I'm scared of this happening again but it somehow being worse?
Your stories have helped me, you've helped me realize I'm not alone, so thank you. (:
Continue to exercise caution. Your fears may be acting as your guide. Make sure none of your personal info is available online publicly- go through location settings of apps and platforms you use. Anytime you feel something same or worse might happen, you can take a back step and review the situation again to decide if your fear is rational or irrational.
I can't say how long the journey of healing will look like. Everyone is different. For me, it took several years but in my case there has been a lot more abuse and marginalisation events, so it can't be compared.
Since you enjoy writing, Id encourage you to write out what's giving you pain in your diaries. I remember one whole diary filled with my hateful feelings towards one harasser - letting all that anger out of me was good even if I binned that diary eventually.
@IzzyGamer
@Creamyyy
most of the time my fear is irrational, I'm just paranoid at this point. I get nervous just talking on here or in rooms sometimes. I get nervous too when people ask me a lot of questions at once. Idk why I'm so worried, if he wanted to find me he would have done so already.
I do journal sometimes and it does somewhat help, maybe I should do it more often its been a while.
