Our Little Support
***yall know the drill, no peeking!***
Safe space for @querencia798, @xsoupyplants12 and @unassumingEyes
Hows life?
Life is....going on. I guess I can say a bit better than the last 6 months which were the most traumatising phase of my entire life. I have known what it's like to be heartbroken, how it feels to have some dreams shattered and I came to know the real capacity I didn't know I had to bear devastation. I feel like I should let you know about my case history so you could understand me better even tho I'm tired of telling it to some people again and again. I'm sorry this is gonna be a little long and I hope you don't judge.
I'm 23. Well, my mother is a schizophrenic patient with parkinsonism and hallucinations and she has been this way for decades and she couldn't take me to school from 2018 onwards while my father put all his focus on building wealth in his hometown, dealing with sibling rivalry after his toxic dad died, making me sit at home, pausing school. He is an emotionally immature man with no skills so he never knew what to prioritise and how to keep focus everywhere. Now you could say that just him sending the fees for school and me going to school in a school bus would have solved my problem but my school didn't have a school bus probably and they never left me alone out anywhere. I only thought I would be getting back to studies soon and it had been only a year break but then covid happenned which led to further delay and I finished igcses (grade 10 exams) four years late and scored straight A-s in all my subjects. Then I wanted to go to Malaysia amd study a foundation year (which is a one year pre-university course) instead of the 2 year's A-levels (grade 12 exams) and my father promised me that he would send me last year only to tell me this year that he can't, betraying me, lying that he doesn't have enough money which led to a mental breakdown, sucidal thoughts, self-harming and depression that lasted for 5 months and in the 6th month I realised that my plan of the foundation programme might not be sooo...good or suitable, that I am still not ready for abroad life, that in order to reduce my 4 year study gap into 3 I lost sight of some realities. That I was still naive, that studying in Malaysia might not be efficient given there is no guarantee I'd get a job there as a foreigner and I'll never get pr. I want to go to a country that gives pr and time to look for jobs after graduation. So I realised that I want more options. Suddenly. Then slowly the fog of foundation study in Malaysia started leaving me. It was also because I suddenly started seeing how limiting foundation courses are (if you study foundation in business, only business degrees are open to you, if design, only design degrees are open to you) and I'm still unsure of what I want to study in university. Plus even if I go through the foundation route, I can only catch the Jan 2026 session and then it'll take a year to finish it and I realised...why not give it a few more months and finish A-levels itself which will open my options worldwide and not keep me limited to Malaysia. So I, with a heavy and traumatised heart, made the decision to study A-levels and I caught the May session. But now the problem is that 2 years have gone by waiting for the foundation program and relying on my father's fake promises! In 2 years I could have completed A-levels itself if I didn't have the foundation dream fostered in me by my sister who even abandoned me emotionally when the dream broke. She is an unhealed person herself who is burnt out and refuses to emotionally support me. She considers me crazy and a burden. I feel like even if the previous 4 years gap weren't my fault, these latest 2 years are. I feel dumb. Am I dumb? Did I lose too much time? Did I make a grave mistake? I feel guilty and behind and shameful. That my life couldn't align convention. Leave school at 18-20. Leave university at 23-25. Then find a job and build a life. It couldn't happen and now I think I'll be graduating by 30 itself! So yeah that causes my 6 years of study gap and I'll be 25 by the time I finish A-levels and probably 26 when I enter university. If I pass. I have had this fear of A-levels deeply ingrained in me because I had been in a minset of 5 years that I wouldn't do them and breaking that was...a lot. I have examphobia. I fear failing all my exams even tho there's still 10 months time. Now I have started my coaching classes and my subjects are English, Psychology and Business. Due to my indisciplined life of years, I haven't been in the habit of going out as much but now I'm having to for my classes and it's new for my body too. So I'm dealing with past trauma, present doubts, inferiority and insecurities and fears for future. Even tho that is not healthy. And I need to focus on the present. I also come from a *** country where there is not much support for basic healthcare, let alone mental health, so I couldn't get consistent therapy and it broke me. I dunno what you guys might think after knowing about me, I dunno if you are younger than me which may mean that you may not understand some of my things but I still had to say it all despite the fact that we are always told to not reveal anything to strangers but 7 cups is a kind platform and there's just too much pain in me and I have a very small support system. I'm fighting every day. I'm trying to study but my body feels lazy and I end up procrastinating which fuels my fear of failing. And my house is very uncomfortable.
@querencia798 looks like you've had a stressful time. I can imagine home life must be uncomfortable with such emotionally unstable parents. It sounds like your father is having to divide his attention too much to do much good anywhere- but it’s horrible that your studies fell to the side because of it :/
i can understand wanting to try the foundation program in Malaysia. Maybe even wanting to be away from home factored into that choice for you? I live in a developing country, and studies in Malaysia are generally seen as very advantageous here. If that point of view is existent where you live- your goal was natural. And you didn’t expect, and couldn’t have expected, such a long wait. Your father ought to have refused out-right to send you if he couldn’t. Keeping you waiting was a choice he made, and in that regard you arent at fault, in my opinion
Ending up so late in studies must be so frustrating, though, especially when part of the reason you were aiming for Malaysia was to reduce the gap. Your grades in igcse are pretty good, especially with what you've had to deal with at home, i hope you feel proud :) your situation is tricky…but not hopeless! i know getting in uni at around 26 must seem daunting, but its actually not very unusual where i live. If you think you could manage both, maybe you could get a side job and add in experience as an extra advantage? The gap-years maybe an obstacle in your education and career, but its not the end of the road, for sure
I am young, honestly: I’m 17! But i dont and wont shy away from listening and giving my opinions :) i think youre having to face a real disadvantage, but if you try to be patient and think things through carefully, these gap-years can soon be a thing of the past (and when you dont feel patient, you can always scream over here…!)
a lot of students experience exam phobia- no kidding! I think youre maybe focusing too much on the education problem: you need to remember to live too!
Stressful is an understatement. Thank you for your kind words, really. I'm also glad you could catch the reason that built up this dream in me to go to Malaysia - mix of wanting to reduce gap, getting away from family and naively thinking I can handle it all on my own. After the breakdown in January, I got too many reality checks - one after another repeatedly and it was harsh. I realised that it's wise to finish school in your home country, making the ground beneath you firmer and then go abroad for university. Because even in foundation, you'll have to cook, clean, buy, and take care of things on your own and I'm not used to them yet and I realised that even tho a foundation year is considered easier than the rigorous A-levels, the things that I'd have to do alongside on my own living alone would make the course harder for me. It is a risk. And what if I end up returning - neither my foundation would be complete nor my A-levels so I abandoned that decision. I'll go abroad for university - at least that way I can be safe that yes I have finished school and may be much more prepared to handle other stuff on my own. Maybe it'll be a better investment than Malaysia. Having said that, I also appreciate the development Malaysia has made in all their sectors, esp education which is inspiring. So yeah that is why it was a choice. But I cannot live there probably. I do want to go to Europe, Australia, New Zealand or even any other Asian countries like Japan or Russia where I can build a life. I dunno...man, what will happen after two years and I have been told to not think about it now and just focus on the present. Yeah, it was my father's fault to keep me waiting. But still the shame, guilt, self-blame creep in and I feel like I should've known better. I dunno how to deal with these emotions that overwhelm me.
Your advice is good about the job thing. Yes, I may still have opportunities and my life may not be over. But I feel this stigma and that I'm behind my peers. I am probably even behind than you! I wish I could erase it. It's nice to see a good amount of maturity and kindness in your age. What's your name and where are you from, if you don't mind me asking? You should answer only when you are comfortable.
I do want to live. I just dunno how.
@querencia798 Im from Pakistan- id rather not say my name!
i get what you say about the shame and guilt. Its hard to look past our mistakes, and more so when they seem to have such a big impact! But there are more choices to make, and hopefully you can get on the right track now
as for living- maybe we can figure that out step by step :)
@querencia798 how are you today? howre things at home? sending good vibes :)
Doing okay. Period is making me very weak. Thank you for checking up. How are you?
@querencia798 im good! Dyou have any meds or anything thatll help? Hope you feel better soon 🤍
No it'll be okay without meds. Thank you.