Reconnecting

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas helloooo everyone💗💗💗 did you guys know I have a subscription to a magazine for mental health? Well know I have many issues😁😁😁😁😁

Friends, I need to hear someone else’s take on what’s going on with me lately, if anyone’s able to share their thoughts.

You all know the basics of my situation. The ex has been moved out. Things have been friendly. He still has some things here because he doesn’t have storage yet, and he’s also been around a little completing construction he started and didn’t want to leave me in the middle of to pay for. Despite a lot of pain I still care about him, I don’t know how to turn that off. I may not like what he does sometimes, but I care what happens to him. He says he misses me, and I don’t even really completely understand why I still love him. Part of it is the promise of lifetime commitment. But part is that he had a lot of really great qualities that I didn’t find in others. I’ve chalked it up to us having different personalities, and him not fully understanding the impact of his actions with people in his life.

Beyond my feelings (more importantly at this point) is my children. The things he was doing was affecting them. I saw signs, and I worried, and I haven’t mentioned it here feeling ashamed of myself, but my teen had started to struggle with bad thoughts about themselves. I don’t want my post to get censored, but I’m sure you can fill in the blanks. This all came to a head fairly recently, where I had to go into safety mode, take them to be seen urgently. I’ve been quite distraught. The last thing I want is for them to have the kinds of issues I have. They determined that my teen is safe, that the thoughts haven’t crossed a certain line, but we are still starting therapy. I know there’s a lot that’s contributed to it, including bullying at school many years ago and my original divorce from their father. But I also know their step-dad had a major impact on negative feelings about themselves. This is damage I cannot undue, and I feel I’ve failed them as a mother, in all honesty, for it to even get to this point. We’ve always had good communication, they know I love them, they get a lot of praise and balance to counteract the bad. I think that’s been our saving grace.

Things have been calmer lately, and I think my teen feels safer and happier with the living conditions different. The reason I’m writing this is because my kids do still talk about their step-dad a lot as if they still want to do things with him in the future. When he has stopped by to get something, they run up to give him hugs, even my teen. They say they miss him and love him. I try to check in with them gently and make sure they’re happy without guiding them toward specifics, but I get confused when it seems like they genuinely want to be around him. I am also understanding what trauma bonds are, and have considered it might be some of that, or still wanting his approval and love. I know they have had good times with him. I often wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t want to hurt them more by ripping more people out of their lives.

In the meantime, their step-dad says his eyes have been opened to the seriousness of the situation, the impact he had, that his way wasn’t right after all. He also has an older child who experienced this recently but actually went through with her thoughts. I don’t know if that’s real revelation or just manipulation. I don’t know if I’m around him enough to tell if the change of values is real. I know for sure now that things were definitely wrong and I did the right thing, because they couldn’t continue like that. But I feel frozen with how to move forward. It seems for sure like something that needs more time. But I’ve also been in situations where time doesn’t seem to do much to clear things up with a manipulative or abusive person. I want to do what’s best for my family, not just myself. I am trying to quiet my mind and trust in God. I want to do the right thing. 

Thank you for reading. ❤️ I haven’t been able to talk with anyone, and it’s been hard holding it inside. 

@WorkingitThrough2 I hope you don’t mind me making a new post down here to reply, I lose replies constantly myself.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. ❤️ This sounds like it has been a really rough road. I see how there can be a lot of mixed feelings. I think you and I have had some similar experiences, some different, and we are both searching for the same thing at this point in our lives. 

I hope I can be half the friend to you all that you are to me. ❤️ Thank you. ❤️

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas look at me I'm a sheep😁😁😁😁

I’m steeping some tea, and the tag had one of those cute little messages that made me think of everyone here. A good perspective. I hope it’s readable. 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas goooooooooddd mornnning everyone 💗💗 hey! Do you all know what the best nation in the world is???? Donation, please gimme money🤑 I also accept checks🤑🤑🤑😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas so now we know donation is the best nation😁 but you wanna know the worst city to live in !?!? It atrocity 😮😮😮

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas @mytwistedsoul souul sooouuullll souulll, your being summond. I hope your ok, I miss you when your not around, I love you soul💖💖💖💖 gives you extra giant tiny hugs💖💖

"Speak kindly to yourself. You're always listening."