A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
Hi! I am still here. I still care about you and I am not nobody. I know that it is all tough right now. I wish that I could reach out and hug you and make it better.
Maybe we could start with what the doctor said during your visit. There might be something in there that could make things a little more bearable for you.
Sending lots of peace and strength.
@bestVase7265 thanks for being here. *hugs* 🫂🫂 everything is a mess and i dunno how to fix it. this feels like rock bottom. right now i'm sitting in my bed, listening to music and typing here and am relatively okay. but this wont last forever and when it ends, i'll be depressed and everything bad will come up again. last night was so bad. i was going to attempt but couldnt. so im here.
so the doctor said a lot of stuff. and i dunno how i feel about it. long post ahead.
so she asked a whole lot of questions to try to get to know me. and also about my routine, when i do what. my eating, sleeping, playing and screen habits. i had to lie a lot about sleep because of my mother. i wasnt able to admit that i hardly sleep and have trouble sleeping and wake up a lot in the middle of the night. i'm struggling a lot with sleep lately, waking up every night in the middle of the night. but i lied and said i can sleep well because my mother was right there and if i were to be honest, my mother would lecture me. also the doctor was like "no phones or tv at all? that's great" gosh, that's such a lie. my screen time is very excessive but of course i wont admit it in front of my mother.
yeah so lots of questions about my routine and other stuff too like how often i get sick and how all that was as a kid. she knows so much about my life in just one visit, like she needs to understand what really is going on. she was being pretty understanding and supportive and said i could say anything honestly without shame. but of course, i cant do that. i she saw my blood test report from the test in december and said the haemoglobin wasnt really that low but i had an iron deficiency.
after all the questioning she checked me and said everything looks fine. so to figure out why i'm tired all the time, she needed a blood test and urine test. and till then i have to take multivitamins. and she told me i should be outdoors playing for at least 2 hours a day and do physical activity. and that i should sleep 8-9 hours a day. and says i need to have a lot of friends if i want to feel better because "friends are the best medicine".
that last part hurts like crazy. i dont have many friends and i don't want to make new friends. she says i need to go and find friends and get out of my shell. but i dont what it. true friends are rare. i dont want to make new friends just to get reminded of how horrible people can be and to be hurt again. and i'm a boring person no one likes. and most people become friends for selfish reasons and i dont want such fake friends in my life. one fake friend is hard enough to deal with. what's the point of having friends i have to be a fake myself with? i feel its better to not have friends than have lots of fake friends who just take your time but you cant be real with them and they wont be there in bad times. and if its a friend in school, i can talk about school to pass time. but outside school, i cant. im not allowed to talk about family matters with anyone and of course i cant discuss my struggles, so what's the point? but do you mean to say that if i dont have real life friends, i will never get better?
so yeah, thats one thing. another is that i should get lots of physical activity and have fun before i become an adult in 3 years because after that apparantly college will keep me so busy and i wont have time for anything else. is that true? is college that much work that i wont have time for friends? makes life sound horrible.
anyway, right now ive been told to take multivitamins, eat well, sleep well, play a lot, make friends, and follow my mother's instructions because "she wants the best for me". if after that, my constant tiredness persists, we'll have to look into it. and of course she will look at the blood and urine test to see if anything is wrong.
i did get the tests done on thursday and a lot of stuff are low. low haemoglobin and other stuff. iron deficiency and severe vitamin d deficiency. normal range is 20 to 50 ng/ml, and my vitamin d is 4 ng/ml. that is so bad. and i dunno how that happened because i do spend time in the sun. but i guess that explains a lot of stuff like hair falling out and feeling tired.
i have the next appointment this coming monday. so she will probably look at the reports and give meds. i will probably rely on those to get better, because good sleep and physical activity and making friends sounds impossible. but she has also asked me to list 10 pleasurable activities on a piece of paper and come with it for the next visit. and also said i can write down any questions i have or anything i want to let her know, if im not comfy speaking. i dunno what to do about that or what activites to list. nothing is pleasurable anymore, i'm so depressed.
and i dunno how to fix my life, everything is so messy and i start 10th grade on 1st april. what are your suggestions? maybe work on sleep, exercise (indoor) and cleaning my room and then doing things that are supposed to be fun? but fixing sleep is a hard thing. do you mind if i do long vents here before bed? been keeping a lot to myself lately and it hasn't been helping me sleep. i had a lot of insane nightmares last night.
but i did realise something today. no one can be there for me all the time. ultimately, i'm on my own, all alone and i gotta learn to deal with everything alone. no one can be there all the time, people have their own lives. i have to stop relying on my friend so much, or anyone for that matter.
today has been a really rough day. i woke up with a stomachache and asked to sleep more and she let me, but got mad. and then she pushed me to shower on time when i didnt want to and was hurting a lot. so i sat in the bathroom floor writing about 6 pages of thoughts in big messy handwriting, and fell asleep sitting on the bathroom floor. all that took over an hour after which i showered, had lunch and have since been writing here.
please dont be mad at me for writing so much. i need it. i need to talk about it to someone, not to paper. i need to get it out and the only place i can do that right now is here. i hope its okay. please dont tell me to stop writing so much. everything has been eating me up inside and i needed to talk. you neednt reply to every thing but i need somewhere to vent without feeling like a burden. right now that feels like here and i hope its true and im not burdening you.
i was doing kinda okay but not anymore. i'm crying so much. i feel so lonely. i don't know how to deal with it.
Hey, what you wrote is just fine. Sometimes you really need a longer vent to process things. Right now you have time for that so I am thrilled that you wrote that much. You are in a resting cycle and that is good.
The doctor was very clearly trying. She got some things very right in her kindness, but some things not so much in my view.
I don't think her friendship advice was necessarily very helpful unless you think broadly. You do have friends but they are here on Cups. You are talking through stuff here which is good. You aren't keeping it bottled up inside. In terms of physical friends, just a few in real life is okay if that's what makes you feel comfortable.
I do think getting outside to play or just relax is really critical. For me, getting out and walking for 15 minutes a day has literally changed my life. It is what saves me from the depression. Exercise inside is okay, but outside doing things is even better. This is why you sometimes feel better on your porch.
What is the doctor aiming at? I believe that she is aware you are lying because your mom is in the room. You are exhibiting depression symptoms that she really wants to help you with. That piece of paper that you hand her is critical. She knows you are going to struggle to make a list. So make only half a list or tell her that you had trouble writing down things because little brings you joy right now. It is honest and your mom is probably aware of that. You don't have to admit to the not sleeping or the social media use. You are just saying that you are working so hard that you can't find much peace. That's okay to admit. You don't even have to use the word depression. Please, please be honest on that paper.
As far as college goes, I think it will be the opposite in your case unless you have to continue to live at home when you go to college. It is your home environment that is making things a struggle. Without that oppression, you will be able to study better and find more time to figure out who you are. You also study more subjects that you like and find use for rather than a bunch you don't.
You are going to find a way through.
@bestVase7265 thanks for letting me vent. i appreciate it. it's getting late now and i'm sorry i haven't responded all day.
i dunno if she knows im lying. but the thing is, she cant see my depression symptoms. my mother told her about it. my mother made me leave the room so i stood outside and could her her but not the doctor. she told her about my father's depression and bipolar disorder and said i look depressed since i started 9th grade. i thought i was hinding it well. but ive been depressed for longer than when i started 9th. it just got worse when i started 9th.
about the list, i have to do it on stuff i like doing. there are lots of things i like doing but they dont have to bring me joy. a lot of the stuff i like are secret stuff, like cupsing, talking to my cups friend, doing cups work, watching youtube, dancing alone in my room with the door closed, exercising alone, etc etc. i dont mean i always have motivation to dk these things but i do like them. but i cant write those things. other than that, there's a lot i could write. but i dunno if i should write them. maybe i should list stuff i used to like to do? that used to bring me joy? nothing brings me joy anymore, even if i kinda like doing it.
please help me with this. i badly need help. so i'll write some stuff here and tell me what you think. i have an appointment tomorrow so i need this today. none of these things bring me joy anymore but i do like them.
- nature photography (plants, sun, sky)
- showering
- watching rain
- being alone in my room
- reading enid blyton
- watching babies play downstairs
- watching cats play downstairs
- looking at the night sky
- traveling by car/metro/e-bus
- daytime sleeping
so these are all the stuff i like thats not a secret and my mother is aware of them. this works? i like these things but they dont bring me joy. the used to. sometimes they still do. i havent had rain in a while but rain always brjngs me joy.
then there's a lot of secret things i like doing which i cant write but they dont make me happy anymore.
and about college, it's quite likely that i will continue living at home. that's what my parents plan because we have a lot of good colleges nearby in my city. and i dont want to live in a hostel and share a room with others and manage life on my own. i think home is better than sharing a room like that. the way my father talks about hostel life, im gonna hate it. and obviously if i go to a nearby college, i wont be living in a hostel. who's paying for that when i can just stay in my own room at home? so you mean to say my life is ruined in that case?
You cannot hide depression. It doesn't work that way. Your mom can see it and the doctor too.
Your list is just fine. But you can also write on the bottom of it that little brings you joy anymore. Your mother isn't going to be surprised by that either. She is not going to get mad at that little statement.
The key is that you are getting older and there is a solid chance that the doctor may ask your mom to leave the room briefly so she can talk to you alone. If that happens, please be honest about what is going on. You can even say then that you are only sleeping 4-6 hours a night but if your mom finds out she will yell, tell you you are no good and maybe even hit you. Sometimes you can create a way of starting to talk to doctors without your mom knowing what is going on exactly. Doctors are often willing to do that if it will save their patient's life. You create a kind of code with the doctor and your mom will know nothing. Your life is worth you being brave if you get the opportunity.
This obviously may not happen and probably won't. Just take advantage of it if it does.
The vitamins are actually probably going to help just as a start to solving this. You aren't doing anything wrong here. They just balance things better. If the doctor offers anti-depressants take them too. She might also test your seratonin levels. That is the brain chemical that is probably off in your brain and is causing all the damage. But unluckily the tests for it are usually unreliable due to hormonal changes. But anything she does on that medicine level is worth a shot. I still take medication to sleep at night that I don't function without.
As far as college goes, many students stay home. That's okay. I was just trying to get you away from that toxic home environment. That may not be possible right now, But anything you can do, even walks or sitting outside is really worth it. Get away from your house as often as you can. You are going to start to find yourself that way.
You haven't wasted your break at all. You are trying to solve your medical issues to make school more bearable. You have rested. Resting is NEVER a waste. It is the key to sanity.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 i did hide it for a while. it can be hidden. and nah, im not writing that at the bottom of the list.
"This obviously may not happen and probably won't." right. but the other day my mother asked if i wanted her to leave the room. i said no because i dont wanna look secretive.
let's just wait and see what happens today. i might tell you about it after it happens.
i am wasting my break. because i am not truly resting. i am still constantly stressed. and exhausted. i'm not resting. i really am not. i want to rest but i cant. i dont know how to reaally rest. im still so stressed out. i hate this.
i wrote the list on paper. i wonder why writing makes my hand hurt so much lately. it happened during my exam too when i wrote a lot in little time. but now, it's hurting even if i write slowly. maybe it's because i haven't been handwriting much lately? because i'm typing most of the time? or is it something else?
First of all, please stop hiding. Do ask your mom to leave the room. You need to feel better and that starts with honesty. You have been fooling no one and you aren't helping yourself here.
I am not saying you need to admit to excessive computer or social media use. I am only saying admit to not sleeping. It isn't your fault. If you try to go to sleep your body isn't letting you do it. Your mother cannot blame you for that. That is a clear sign of depression and there is very definitely medications to help with that. The stress and lack of sleep go hand in hand even when you are on break. Your brain chemicals are off and you can fix them.
Those medications might lead you to a much better school year next year with less stress. You are in control here even if you don't feel that way.
Tell the doctor about the hand pain too. It could be a sign of something else. The more honest that you can be the less pain that you will be in, the less stress you will feel, the less miserable you will be.
You deserve happiness. Bottom line. But you have to reach for it. It only takes a little step to start that journey. It isn't an easy journey or a quick one. But you can do it. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 sadly, it is now too late to tell the doctor all those things. a lot of stuff, symptom wise, that the doctor knows about me are lies. and she was asking my mother if i ever complain about aches and pains, and she answered no. the truth is, i don't complain to her about it (except period cramps), but i very much experience it. it is very rare for me to feel like no part of my body hurts. something or the other always hurts. but i ignore it and don't talk about it and don't tell my mother. right now, my legs, hands, back and head hurt, probably due to lack of sleep. it always gets worse if i dont sleep much.
sorry, but you can't expect me to be honest with anyone in real life. i'm a liar, a big fat liar. you cant expect me to be honest in real life. i promise i am honest with you, but i cant be in real life.
what a great way to start the day with excruciating pain and yelling. period cramps are killing me, and whatever cramps aren't doing, my mother is.
i have 8 days left of holidays. help. most of my hols are over and i havent done anything at all.
WHY DO I FIND THE DOOR OPEN WHEN I WAKE UP BEFORE TIME AND NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO FORCEFULLY REMOVE MOSQUITO NET WHEN I TELL HER NOT TO? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO YELL AT ME FIRST THING IN THE MORNING? WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK FOR HER TO TURN THE FAN BACK ON AS IF IT ISN'T OBVIOUS? WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BARGE INTO MY ROOM WHENEVER SHE WANTS? WHY DO I FIND THE DOOR AND CURTAIN BOTH OPEN WHEN I WAKE UP? all while my stomach is killing me?
after so many repeated invasions my space has lost the tiniest bit of safety i had is gone.
wow i was typing here and fell alseep. its 9:18 am i gotta go.
it's 10 am and i'm sooo sleepy. i feel half dead. i have stuff to do though. i just want to relax and have a good nap like i did the day my exams for over.
i got a fair bit of cleaning done. i'm really tired though.
hi. so the doctor's appointment happened. she looked at my blood test report and says it's a mild iron deficiency anemia and severe vitamin d deficiency. like my vit d level is really, really abnormally low. 4 ng/ml. that's really bad. so to figure out why it's this low when i still go out in the sun sometimes and eat okay, we need to do another blood test to rule out any other conditions. ugh. so tomorrow morning i will have to go with my father to get that done. we could go anytime thoughout the day but in the evening we plan to go shopping, which means my mother won't have time to take me. so i have to wake up at 7 am and go have this done. i do not look forward to going with my father. he might blabber a lot of nonsense and make me scared.
anyway, that's there. and the doctor say i need to exercise more and be physically active so my body can actually absorb all the vit d that i take. so yeah, exercise, sleep and supplements of course. i have a lot of them to take. oh my god, it's just so many meds. iron, vit c, vit d, calcium and multivitamin. i have to start them all after i get my blood drawn. except multivitamin, which i started on wedneaday.
and now for the list of stuff i like, i wrote everything i told you about last night. i folded the piece of paper and gave it to my mother to carry, a minute before we left. so she didn't get to read it. at the doctor, she took out the paper and gave it to me to give the doctor. so i did, and she read it. she was firstly impressed by the handwriting and asked if it was mine. a lot of people love my handwriting, apparantly it's very neat. she was smiling when reading it and when she was done, she went "you are a very beautiful person inside. your hobbies say a lot about your personality and you're very sensitive and beautiful inside. do you want to take up photography as a profession?"
i said no. because that's not what i wanna do with my life. i need something where i'm helping people more directly, you know that right? anyway, then she went "you should get inst@gram to share your work with the world. the world should see what you are good at and it should get to see your work." i immediately refused to the inst@gram idea (i am sufficiently addicted to 7 cups and youtube, i do not need another thing to get addicted to) and my mother went "no, she doesn't use social media."
so then she suggested that decide on a daily number of pictures to take and do that. i didnt say anything about it, but i dont like the idea. plants dont act the same every day. some days i might only have 5 things to capture. another day i might have 50. setting a specific forced requirement or limit will suck out the fun. ans she suggests that i take a picture and write a few lines about it. just whatever comes to my mind, because everyone sees a particular picture differently. so write, your writing will be your best friend. but i don't like to think too much of my pictures. so i dont wanna do that.
also, i do have a question for you, what kind of a doctor tells a 15 year old patient to start an inst@gram account? isn't it supposed to be a good thing that i don't use those things? aren't adults supposed to encourage me to stay out of those?
oh, and forgot to say that in the beginning of the appointment, she asked me what stream i want to choose in 11th grade. i said that i dunno, and she asked what subject i like and i said english, so she's like "so humanities stream?" i answered "maybe".
and now, after seeing my list and the photography discussion, she's like "you could become a poet." lol, i have never once written a poem all my life. i don't think i write poems. i told her that i can't write poems. but then my mother started talking about how apparantly i write really well. like paragraphs and stories. like how it started in 3rd grade and soon she couldn't believe how well i write. but i dont understand. what is so good about my writing? i dont find it any good. it's so ordinary. it's boring. it's repetitive. i dont know what people like about it. in this last english exam, i got 5/5 in a descriptive paragraph writing. i have no idea how. i scribbled that down in 15 minutes and didnt even have time to read whatever on earth i wrote. and the teacher wrote a remark "well written" and 5/5. it beats me how that even happens. nothing makes sense to me anymore.
whatever, so the doctor and my mother went on about how i'm very creative and the doctor is on about how beautiful i am on the inside. so yeah, advice is that i should take more time to do stuff i like, i should be "creative", whatever that means.
and she changed her friendship advice after reading that. says that i should have even 1, 2 or 3 good friends. she understands that as a creative person, i don't like crowds and dealing with lots of people and too many friends. says that's okay. that i should get physical activity, even if that's alone. but i do need a few people i can talk to. and i guess i do have that? you count as a friend, right? you're certainly not my age, but can we still call this a friendship? what do you think? and my school friend? counts as a friend if i have to be fake around her?
that's all, i guess. i do have to share, my father's concern about my health is concerning me. what's up with him all of a sudden? when he doesn't even care when im sick for days and cant get up?
Sorry that I didn't see this message lower in the thread until now.
The blood tests and vitamins are going to help. I am actually thrilled that you are getting them. Yes, I know that it feels like a lot, but what if it allows you to sleep better and feel less stressed? What if it makes your hair stop falling out and your hand stop hurting? All of those would be good things, right?
I am equally thrilled that the doctor immediately saw in that short list the beauty that I see in you. It only took a list of ten things and she could see it. Photography is still something that it is worthwhile pursuing, career or hobby. I do think it is something that you should do more completely, but you should decide how you want to do that. Maybe now that your mom is also aware of your interest, you might get a new phone or something so that you can take more pictures. You don't need to take tons. I know that I was doing a thing for a while where I took a picture a day. It really helped with giving me focus and purpose. I never thought of writing a short sentence or poem to go with it though. I agree that any set number other than one might be too much to handle.
But I am glad you also mentioned the humanities track and English. No, you don't need to be a poet. There are lots of other forms and interesting things to do with it. You are indeed a good writer. Remember that I am a professor as well and you do write better than many of my students. I know you don't want to believe that but I evaluate for a living. Trust me. You are particularly good at attempting to analyze situations and seeing the world more closely than most people are looking.
As far as the *** stuff goes, the doctor was just trying to be hip and aware of what young people typically like. You don't do that and that's great, but it doesn't say anything about the doctor.
Okay, I didn't get to the last few paragraphs and need to end for tonight. I will try to finish tomorrow.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 that's okay, i'm glad you saw it now. and take your time to reply, it's totally okay.
i got the blood test done, and it hurt. it hurt, okay? when i didn't expect it to. last time, i thought it would hurt and it didn't. so this time i thought it wouldn't hurt and it did. so funny.
so as off now, i have to take 4 meds a day every single day for 2 months. and there's one thing i need to take once every week for 2 months. 4 meds a day for 2 month. this sucks so bad.
"Yes, I know that it feels like a lot, but what if it allows you to sleep better and feel less stressed? What if it makes your hair stop falling out and your hand stop hurting? All of those would be good things, right?" yup, that's the only reason i am doing this. otherwise i would straight up refuse to take so many meds daily for so long. i am hoping that it helps me sleep better, improve my energy levels, make me less depressed, make my body stop hurting, and stop the hair falling out. i'm not sure if it will resude stress, but if i am more energetic and less depressed, then i might get work done quicker and thus be less stressed. so i really hope it works out.
today i am just so exhausted. i went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 7. i still have to clean my room though. i intend to finish cleaning today. and i have to wash my hair. and watch a movie. and go out in the evening. let's see if i can sneak in a nap somewhere.
i should go now, i got lots to do and this phone is at 13% charge. will get back to the rest later if i can.
Ok, a quick answer to the last part of your earlier message - of course we are friends. Age and distance don't really make a difference in friendships. And my view is always if you are okay with the amount of friends that you have then you are good to go. You get to decide how many you need and where they are located. And friendship itself is also harder to define than you think. Sometimes we think of friends as just people that we would be comfortable saying anything to. But all those minor "friendships" - people we are willing to talk to on occasion about easier stuff like the weather or the test we took - matter too. They can also count as people in your larger circle.
I am sorry the blood test hurt. Sometimes they do and it takes a bit to get over them. I know I have hard veins to find so I have sometimes been poked multiple times to get enough blood. Those are never fun. Then they accuse me of not drinking enough water.
I do think that the pills are going to help. But they take time to start working. And every little improvement matters. You aren't looking for perfection here. You are aiming for anything that makes school and life in general a little easier to manage. Taking pills says nothing about you as a person. It isn't a failure or something you are doing wrong. Bodies sometimes do unexpected things that we can't control. Medication can help.
I hope the rest of your busy day went well. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 "Photography is still something that it is worthwhile pursuing, career or hobby." as a hobby, yeah. not as a career. what do you mean by "I do think it is something that you should do more completely"? and my mother has been aware of my interest for years, i'm not getting a new phone for that. i'm 15, my parents aren't buying me a new phone, okay? if they even let me have my mother's old phone completely to myself and buy me a charger and phone case for it, that would be a big deal. and i don't even want a new phone. i use my mother's new phone to take pics and it's got a really good camera. i'm good with that. my parents have thought of buying me a camera, but i said no because i want to use a phone to take pics, not an actually camera that's complicated to use. we have these two old cameras at home and every time i tired using them, i found that they are heavy and make my hands shaky. shaky hands make photography a disaster. i look for support for my hands but it can only do so much. i need a lightweight phone to take good photos.
i need a lightweight phone for anything, actually. my old phone was so light and easy to use while lying down. and it had quite a small screen. this one i use right now, my mother's old phone, it's heavier than any other phone in the house, it's got quite a big screen and is quite hard for me to use lying down. last night everything was so had and i needed to vent and i got my phone and tried to write to you while laying in bed under my blanket. and i was only typing gibberish so i deleted everything and decided to keep it to myself. my hands were hurting and the phone was too heavy for me to hold and type properly. last night was so bad, i can't even explain. and i couldn't vent or talk to anyone when i really needed to. it made me realise that in the end i'm always alone and i have to deal with everything alone.
"I agree that any set number other than one might be too much to handle." i think any set number at all is too much to handle. i don't want to make it a task and feel guilty if i don't do it.
i am a good writer? well, thanks. but could you tell me why you say that? i need to know why or i don't believe it. i need a detailed explanation with examples to believe anything good about myself that you say. "You are particularly good at attempting to analyze situations and seeing the world more closely than most people are looking." like when? when did i do that? what did i analyse and see more closely than others?
yeah, about the inst@gram stuff, i understand. but she almost seemed to encourage me to get into that stuff. and i don't want to. i could share some pictures on cups if i wanted, but i dunno if i should do that. i have uploaded some pictures here before, but on a regular basis, i dunno. have you seen those pictures by the way? what do you think about them, honestly?
well, hi friend. hi vase, if that's what you like to be called. i won't call you vase if you find it weird and don't like it. cups usernames can sometimes be funny. a few people feel feel it's weird calling me berry because it's not like they will eat me up, though i like the name berry. i dunno if you like the name vase.
honestly, i'm not okay with the amount of friends i have. i wish i had more friends at school and more people were interested in talking to me. because i can get along very well with anyone who's genuinely interested in me and is willing to treat me well. if someone's interested in talking to me and treats me well, i will always try my best to be friends. but if the other person finds me useless and boring, then there's nothing i can do. or if they won't treat me like a human being, then i'll have to do something. otherwise i'm not the one to leave people behind. i like to stay. but i can't do anything if the other person isn't interested.
but the problem is, i'm boring, in the eyes of most. i don't engage in discussions that most people like. so i am so lonely and i might lose the only school "friend" i do have. or rather, did have. maybe it's already over, i don't know. we got separated, like put in different classes. i'm in 10C and she's in 10A. that's the horrible news i got this morning. meaning our days will be spent away from each other, and we don't be able to help each other with missed schoolwork. so i cannot skip school anymore unless i am really sick. i have to push and go to school even if i dont want to. also, it means the "friendship" will probably end because if we're in different classes, both of us lost our selfish reasons to remain "friends" and put up with each other.
also, today was report day. i got my report card and 10th grade books. my mother went to get it while i was rotting at home. she decided to go alone because she didn't want to put too much pressure on me to wake up early and get ready to go when i have no real role to play there and it's just about collecting my report card and buying school books. so i wonder if my friend hates me for not going and not seeing her. also, my report card is horrible. the final exams that happened this month were 80% of the final grade. and you know what i got in them? here you go:
english: 65.5/80. french: 72/80. maths: 60/80. science: 74/80 (physics: 26/27 chemistry 21/26 biology 27/27) social studies: 68/80 (history: 17/20 political science: 15.5/20 geography: 18.5/20 economics: 17/20).
then there's other stuff for the rest of the 20%. so i ended with 82/100 in english, 92/100 in french, 78/80 in maths, 94/100 in science and 88/100 in social studies. overall percentage: 87%. this is so bad. and why are my science marks higher than the other stuff? i don't think i want to study science after 10th grade. i need english and social studies if i wanna take up humanities stream. and i'm not doing well in them. also, next year i need the overall percentage to be about 97% with board exams and everything.
anyway, coming back to your message, well, i got my blood test report yesterday evening and apparently there are two things that are really very high. extremely high, way over normal range. but i don't know what really they are and what they mean. but something is wrong. my mother sent the report the the doctor on whatsapp as she asked and apparently i have to continue meds for 10 days and then do another test. that should be on 5th april i guess.
one of the meds is unbelievably hard to take. it's a tablet and too big for me. the doctor said it would disperse in water, but then it forms this powery liquid i cant swallow. so that was hard yesterday. and today, i tried swallowing it whole and it got stuck in my throat. i managed to push it down with water. but this is really not fun. i don't look forward to choking on my meds. it's the vitamin c tablet that's being problematic. everything else if mostly fine.
oh, and yesterday, the rest of my busy day absolutely did not go well in any way. it was yesterday but maybe i still need to vent about it. i dunno. i'll vent in another post below if i feel like it.
WHAT THE *** WHAT THE *** I HATE SCHOOL. IM K1LLING MYSELF TONIGHT I DONT CARE IF IT DOENT WORK BUT I HAVE TO TRY. THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET THROUGH THIS HELLL.
i just got the worst imaginable news. when im already so depressed and cant pull myself out of bed.
that was such a long post, i'm sorry. but i feel i do need to vent about yesterday. and today too. it's too much and i cant take it.
some questions: am i supposed to start studying? i got my books, i dunno if im supposed to study. what really am i supposed to be dojng now till 1st april? my room is clean, now what? there's a lot i could do but dont know what to do and where to start. and i dunno if im supposed to start studying. it's all so overwhelming. and i feel like km wasting my hols. not having fun, not truly resting, just excessive screen time.
then, how will i manage in 10th grade without my friend? all alone? and with marathi as a compulsory subject? what will i even do? will i make it out alive? i dunno. it will be a very lonely year.
now onto venting. so yesterday afternoon i rewatched the movie i watched on monday. just because i always watch every movie at least twice. but i didnt imagine it would cause nightmares. it's a children's movie but does have a fair bit of violence and fires and stuff. so when i was napping after that, i had a horrible horrible nightmare. it was terrifying, very terrifying. woke up in the position i was in the nightmare. not sure how that works. anyway, that happened.
also, after the movie my mother and i were supposed to go out. but we didnt. which sucked. it meant rhat waking up at 7 am was pointless. which is why i napped. and that was horrible too.
then dinner, taking yucky meds. yuckkkkkkkkk yucky yucky yuck. then my mother yelling at me to go to bed. i went but tried to stay awake to avoid nightmares. and tried venting. right now, i'm just doing a short vent on the stuff that happened, not the emotions involved. but it was really a lot. and i was typing gibberish so i deleted everything and was just browsing cups and lurking and eventually fell asleep, i have no idea when.
today morning my mother woke me up, told me to get ready. i got up, closed my door and lazed around in my bed. then got yelled at, so didnt do anything, no brushjng teeth or washing face, just put on makeup and leave my room to find my parents have already left. my mother had to go to my school.
so i did the stuff i was told to do. drink water, eat breakfast, take meds, put milk away. and i went back to laying in bed. actually i ate breakfast laying in bed too. who cares if no one is home? anyway, so all that happened. my mother got home later when i was in bed and told me horrific news and was mad i didnt do stuff like make her bed and my fathers. i didnt even make mine and lied abojt it. and i have to to hers and his?
but yeah i saw my books a bit. and was made to exercise a bit. then was expected to shower. i wanted to jus lay in bed and use my phone but got yelled at so i took a notebook sort of thing in the bathroom and wrote in it with... stuff. it kinda helped. i didnt hurt myself. and showered after a bit. i was doing better for a little while. then lunch made it all worse. my mother in her room and refused to talk.
some quiet time in my room helped. i tidied up. tried to feel better. tried to cry it out and stuff. but later in the evening, kept getting interrupted constantly. couldnt cry freely. then dinner happened and yucky meds. it got stuck and makes me throat hurt.
and guess what? im up at 1:47 am. i dunno what to do anymore. honestly i want to attempt. but i dont have the stuff ready. so i cant. guess ill sleep soon.
please tell me what to do tomorrow. i need your help, please. there's a chance we'll go out in te evening but not confirmed.
2:47 am. my head hurts so bad.
Ok, I am going to try to get to as much of this as I can starting with the first message.
Use whatever you want to take pictures. Me making any suggestions doesn't mean that you have to take them. No need to explain yourself. I actually haven't seen your pictures on here because I just look at our thread.
You aren't always alone. You may not have me to contact constantly or other people to contact constantly, but you do have some support. Never forget that.
An example of you seeing more closely might be when you see your old bench mate at school or the way that you described some of the outside activities (marching I think) when you saw one of your classmates in distress. You also write very cleanly overall and keep writing to explain yourself. You constantly ask questions about why things are happening. Most people don't do that.
No need to do ***. I agree with you keeping away from it. It isn't a good influence.
You can call me whatever you want. I just prefer not sharing my real name.
Okay, so you would like more friends. Well you can try to build some relationships slowly next year if you want. But you have to commit to it as a partnership. It isn't just about how they treat you, but how you treat them. To get a good friendship going, you have to ask more about them than they do about you. Sometimes you have to fake interest in what they are interested in briefly to get them talking and you listening. You also have to be really forgiving when friends make mistakes. We all make mistakes.
You old "friend" wasn't always a friend to you so now you get a chance to branch out a bit. That is scary, I know. But you can do it. It starts just with a few sentences from you each day - questions to the people around you. You listen to their responses. Then remember their interests the next day and ask another question.
You have been very ill. An 87% is actually an awesome grade for someone who has been struggling so much. It will get better this year. Your English teacher just could have been tougher. You take it one step at a time.
You will figure out the medical stuff. It takes a bit to figure out how to swallow larger pills at your age. You get better after practicing a few weeks. If you have a pill cutter, cut the pill in half. That might be better than attempting a diluted pill.
Ok, onto the next long message. I am typing as fast as I can to get to the end. Yes, I would open the new books, but only the English one. Use it to read as many stories as you can. It might help you pass the time and reading stories will help you focus on a subject you want to do better in.
You will get through things one step at a time with the new school year. Don't look to far into the distance yet.
Venting in a notebook is okay. Keep doing some of that too.
I am so sorry but I wasn't sure about your question at the very end. What kind of advice in particular did you want for tomorrow? If it is just general things to do because your room is clean, I would say read and write stories as much as you can, exercise, keep working with those meds, take a picture or two and get outside if you can.
You can do this. You are doing this. I am sending strength for tomorrow.
you can see some pictures here if you want. they're from a long time ago though. and that thread is old, so maybe don't say anything there but feel free to take a look. you can also see some sky pics if you scroll down in that thread.
"You may not have me to contact constantly or other people to contact constantly, but you do have some support. Never forget that." uh, right. thanks for reminding me, i guess i do have quite some support.
oh yeah my bench partner. he's in my class, which sounds good right now. we're in the same class for 10th grade. "You also write very cleanly overall and keep writing to explain yourself." hmm thanks. do i explain myself well? i'm not sure if i do that well all the time. and yeah i ask too many questions. is that a good or bad thing?
i'll call you vase. of course you don't have to share your real name. we're supposed to be anonymous on cups, we should stay safe and not give away our real names. some people might use it, but that's their business. i'm, on cups, just berry. or some people like calling me blackberry. that's my cups name.
well, if i am trying to keep a friendship going, i do ask questions about them. but it's hard to know what to ask. sorry if i don't ask you much about yourself though. on cups i sometimes get too focused on myself to ask my friends how they are doing. but how are you doing?
but really, i don't know if i even want to make friend at school at this point. it's 10th grade. my last year in this school. i only need a friend in school till november 2025. so about 8 months.
are you sure 87% is good just because i've been struggling so much? but it's me, i once used to get such good marks. here i look like an average student. every year so far i got 91% and above.
a pill cutter? i didn't know that but i googled it and no, i don't have anything like that. but i can try breaking it with my hands, or ask my mother to do it. guess that's what i'll try tonight.
i opened the english books. and i don't want to read anything. nothing looks interesting enough for me to read. so i wont. i don't want to do this. i can pass the time in other ways that i cant when i have school. i guess today i will just tidy up a bit, do some cupsing and work on downloading youtube videos that comfort me and help me stay alive when i'm down. and maybe music too. i'll need that.
and i also have photos to organise. i haven't done that all my break. i have been lying about it and doing other stuff like cupsing with the laptop when i'm supposed to be organising photos. i need to do a little something before break ends or my mother will be mad.
i don't like venting in a book. it helps more to talk to someone. but when there's no one, i have to do that.
"What kind of advice in particular did you want for tomorrow? If it is just general things to do because your room is clean, I would say read and write stories as much as you can, exercise, keep working with those meds, take a picture or two and get outside if you can." thank you so much. i don't want to read or write but i'll try the others. by the way, won't you tell me to fix my sleep schedule?
it's 11:55 am right now. yeah i wasted all morning. i'll go tidy up now, then shower and exercise, then lunch and cupsing. go out in the evening. and work on organising comforting music and vids if i have time.
probably something similar for tomorrow, except i have a dentist appointment tomorrow at 11 am. might also try organising photos tomorrow. i dunno. if you have suggestions, let me know.
by the way, you happen to have been on the peer appreciation thread? did you also see me there?
i meant to reply to your message, sorry about the separate post.
i feel like a huge burden. an utter disappointment. both my parents are really mad at me. my mother wont stop yelling. both of them say that i dont treat them like humans and think theyre machines. that i never think about their needs and dont understand them. my father says nobody cares about fathers and theyre just supposed to work and do things and have no time for themselves. that nobody cares if he eats or not and stuff. my mother says her job is only to clean and serve us and she doesnt get to eat or sleep on time. all the blame is on me. they both hate being parents and blame me. who the helll told them to become parents? i didnt tell them!! now why is everything my fault? isnt it their fault they cant manage everything properly? that they wont care to really sit down and figure out why im behaving the way i am?
my mother is blaming me for everything. every single thing on earth is my fault. its my fault im sick. its my fault she cant live the healthy lifestyle she wants to live. its my fault she has to do so much work. its my fault we had to get rid of our maid. its my fault. everything is my fault. every. single thing. i burden my parents like anything. just take up space and never help out or anything. i have to be told a million times to do something apparently i never listen to her.
im not welcome in this planet. i should just go. but how? i need this one thing to d1e that i dont have, so what do i do?
im a burden and a waste of time and money. she says i dont take care of myself and then complain and just complain all the time. its all my fault, everything is my fault in her opinion. its totally my fault that i am sick so i have no right to even talk about it. or expect to be taken to a doctor or anything. i shouldnt say if im tired or if something hurts. she yelled at me for not going to bed early and not sleeping at night and then wasting her time in the morning. says im sick because of staying up late, not eating on time, not eating dal, and because i use sunscreen. thats why im sick. its all my fault. so i have no right to say im tired or anything. and she wants me to never use sunscreen again.
sunscreen causes vitamin d deficiency? just sunscreen alone caused this? something as bad a vitamin d level 4 ng/ml? my mother blames it on that. says it's all my fault. like yeah, i use sunscreen on my face pretty much every time i go out, but i dont always put it on my arms. i usually just forget it. so what's wrong? also, she's mad that when i go to school i put sunscreen at 7 am. when else am i supposed to put it? she says sunscreen is not needed till 12 pm. doctor said i can use sunscreen from 10 am 10 4 pm. so if i will be out during those times but i leave the house at 7 am and cant carry it, when do i apply it?
so she says i shouldn't use it anymore. she'll apparently talk to the school to not let me out in the sun after 12 pm but i shouldn't use sunscreen. so what do i even do? of course that's not happening even if she talks to the school. also, in india, even at 10 am the sun is way too harsh on the skin, especially in summer. before 10 am, yeah i understand sunscreen is bad. so i promise, if i'm out before 10 am and plan to get bak indoors before 10 am, i won't use sunscreen. and if i leave after 4 pm, i won't use sunscreen. i promise. but from 10 am to 4 pm? i need it. i really do.
but what the helll do i do if i leave for school at 7 am? i mean i have sunscreen with me now and she won't know if i use it, but when i run out of it, she might not buy me more. so that will be a problem. also, i find that regular use of sunscreen has helped with how my skin looks. so i really dont want to stop using it and have my skin look bad again. that makes me feel horrible.
i was doing okay for a bit. but not anymore. so much just happened. i badly want to attempt but i don't have the stuff i need. so i cant do it. so i'm alive, just hurt myself a bit. my mother is making my life helll.
i try so much to try to feel better. to try to do better. to try and listen to her. to try and talk nicely. and she always pushes me back into the hole again. here i go, down the rabbit hole i can't climb out of. that stupid old lady wants me to wake up at 6:30 am on holidays because waking up late is "bad for health". i hate her. i hate her so much. i don't want to see her ever again, just get the *** out of my life. i will never be able to just relax and have fun with her in my life.
everything i do is bad for my health. every single thing. now she's saying she can’t keep running around with me and taking me to the doctor and buying meds. i got mad and told her "then don't run around. nobody told you to." then she got mad and said "so i should have let you be sick like that during your exams? let you laze around like that? you want 10th grade to go just as 9th grade went, don’t you?' well, yeah, if you treat me like a burden.
what am i even supposed to do? it's 1:08 am. i have to go to the dentist tomorrow at 11. my mother says waking up at 8 am is bad for health when i have to wake up at 6 on schooldays. what the helll do i even do with her? is it actually bad for health? and what am i supposed to do? what's wrong with waking up late on weekends and holidays? why cant i just rest and sleep till later?
