Chat with @FaithfulScout and @JOTYKI

@FaithfulScoutt thank you for being open about yourself with me.

And yes, your explanation makes sense.

Sorry for missing your messages throughout the day. I get home around this time most days. As a heads up.

I guess to start, with the feelings towards closeness, intimacy, touch, and feeling loved. Context, I grew up on a farm, and I still live there (moving in August tho, to the city), and growing up I was never allowed to be a kid, make mistakes, make friends, build relationships, and things like that. From around 10 I was either going to school, working on the farm, or doing activities that my mother put us kids in. The things she put us in were based on what SHE wanted to do. She tried to live vicariously through us. So between farm work and doing things I hated, I never got to be a kid. I went to 2 birthday parties and one play date, when I was a kid. I never got to hangout with friends until I was 16 and got my license. I am the middle child of 4, one older sister who i still get aling with well, and younger set of fraternal twins. Being the eldest son, i was the free labour my dad always wanted. If i ever made a mistake i was yelled at and verbally berated, and on occasion physically. I seemed to be the scapegoat.

Once I graduated highschool, I went to college for a trade. finished up college and started working right away. when I was done my 10 hour day, I came home and did farm work till 10-11. I began drinking heavily when I was 18, and drank my 20s away. I never went out to meet people or do stuff cause I was afraid of what people would think. I was overweight most of my life, im am still on the heavier side but not nearly what I was (6'1" and 300lbs, down to 260 and alot more muscular). anyways I was always, and still am to some degree, very self conscious about my weight, and how I look. I still don't really like how I look, or sound even. So back to the story, I never had a life per say. In 2017 I had my first suicide attempt, and my parents just brushed it off, I died that day inside. I completely isolated and drank even more. Forward to 2022, my grandfather passes away and I am volun-told to move into his house, where I still reside. Its part of the farm, and I dont really have privacy. I Nov 2022 I had my second attempt, and actually got help. Did an inpatient for a week, and an outpatient thing for a month straight, everyday. 

I was in a better state mentally, and needed to make some changes. The first job I had, I was there for 13 years, and it was killing me. I started a new job last November at the college I went to, and I love it. The people are caring, I don't get bitched at everyday for nothing, and people genuinely give a ***. This made my father upset cause I couldn't make or fix stuff for the farm anymore. Anytime he asks me about work it's condescending. I'm a machinist so I used to fix a lot of farm stuff.

So context in place. I never learned how to grow and maintain relationships/friendships. I lost essentially 20 years to terrible terrible parents, and an incorrect view of myself. I am afraid of people getting close to me now. I reel from women getting physically close to me, but I still crave touch, to be wanted, to be seen. It feels like I am forbidden to experience those feelings. I understand it comes from a place of my brain trying to protect me, from myself and the worst case scenarios. 

I am the last of my friends who is single, and everyone I work with has someone. I feel like an outcast. I feel incredibly immature, meanwhile I'm 32. Conversations inevitably turn towards relationship things, and I just either sit there uncomfortable like a bump on a log, or I remove myself from the situation. I have nothing to add to it, and I feel like I can't relate to them anymore. 

I've never even held a girls hand. It's crushing to think about. I know and understand that bringing someone into my life is not going to fix/heal my wounds. That comes from within, but I can't help but feel like an alien.

I would like soo badly to have someone that I feel safe with, and can be my true self, but it seems like an impossible mountain to conquer. To have someone to confide in, to hold me, to just sit in silence and just enjoy the company. I see my coworker, and she has a good relationship, and it hurts a little when she talks about her and her bf doing things together. 

She does let me talk about this stuff, but that can only help so much.

So I guess that's where I am at. I want to learn what love feels like, in a healthy way. That seems to be against the grain of todays society, and a man my age with no experience is cast aside, seen as broken or undesirable. It hurts so much in my chest, a deep pit that is nigh impossible to fill.

Idk