Space to chat with @Tinywhisper11

I don't really go into the ice breakers. I don't really  have this type of humor.

I wanted to share some pictures with you. Today I've been walking around in my neighborhood and saw this pretty wisteria.  It's so beautiful omg. I genuinely have no idea why it's sideways 😭 I hope you will be able to see it anyways. 

And yesterday after a veryyy long time I tried to draw again. It was a very quick drawing but it felt good to try it again. But it also made me sad as it triggered the memories of a younger and happier me before my life turned horrible. 

It's sideways once again! I really can't figure out how to make it normal. 

It's a drawing of an an actress from a miniseries that I really like The Queen's Gambit. I love chess so I really enjoyed the miniseries 😂

 That was my drink at Starbucks.  It's a Matcha tea latte.  It's like green tea but with loads of milk. It's really tasty and actually the only drink i take at Starbucks because the others are just disgusting 😂 and too overpirced. Like i don't want to pay 7 euros for a drink😭 but there's free wifi. And that's great😁 and the waitors are so sweet. 

I just wanted to ask you. Can I vent to you? I have so much things going on. My kental health is plummeting and I have no one to confine in. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I will keep it inside me. I literally have no idea what to do. I just want to vent at least. To get this out of my system.  

I'm gonna vent a bit. I feel so lonely right now. It's crazy how it can physically hurt. I can feel the emptiness in my chest😞 it's so hard to try, try, try and change your situation but seeing no results. But nothing comes easy in life unfortunately.  Only probably if your are born with supportive and rich parents but even that I'd not a guarantee for your life to be easy. 

It really, really sucks. 

I already reached doit to everyone I could think of. They are all busy with work or have their own life problems. I guess imma go to a local homeless person in my area and just talk about life with them😭 I noticed homeless people have a lot of wisdom actually.  Not the scary ones that yell at you obviously.  But they have been through a lot and me suffering right now, I have empathy for them. 

It's so weird to have acquired empathy.  I used to not think much about all the people that struggle in the world but now I do. I don't know if that's a great thing tho. Because kind people are prone to be manipulated and I don't want that to happen. It's sad how in society it's the mwna ones that go further than the kind ones, just because they are immoral enough to get what they want. 

I also hate how where I live working hard is not encouraged. Women think they can marry a rich man and that's it. 

That is so wrong. 

It pisses me off that people here are not ambitious. 

I want to get out of this hellhole. 

By the way, today I had less nightmares! But I will take again some sleeping meds to help me have the energy I need during the day. 

I will also have my periods soon and  it is such a huge blow to my mood. I am really SAD. I already have depression and now I have to dela with sadness premium😂 and menstrual cramps. They hurt a lot. Yesterday I literally couldn't walk because of the sharp pain. 

I also went to my gp!! And he gave me a contact of two psychiatrist I can see. I am in between being excited and being scared. 

But I want to help and get finally better. 

I also got stuck yesterday, in a negative thinking loop. I thought so much about why is life so unfair. Because it really is. The only thing I  found on the internet was not to compare my life to others and be grateful for the little things I have. But it didn't explain how to dela with the pain of wanting to have something and not being able to get it( for me it's a loving and supportive family). I wanted it so much. And I never got it. But at least my dad supports me financially which is great right? But it all feels so damn empty. 

Why do I need tons of clothes for if I  can't have a conversation with him. He doesn't even check in on me. 

It hurts so so much. And when I was in a hospital once, when I got home he didn't even ask em how I was doing!!!!!!!!!!!! That was so heartbreaking. He *** ignored it and acted like nothing happened.  How could he do that? Because something DID happen. And you know, all the health problems and even my depression are a result of my parent's Avoidance and neglect. They favorite method is to AVOID AND IGNORE everything. And just act like nothing happened. My dad once confessed to me that he thought my depression would go away on its own. *** him. 

I struggle so much with the why question. Why me? What have I done to deserve it? And I guess it's even more painful to realize that I have doen nothing to deserve it and that it is simply the family that I got. They still gave me life but it's so dman painful to see how they treat me. It's crazy to think that so many things could have been prevented if it wasn't for their neglect. I could have had friends when I was a kid, I could have been happy with myself and not hate myself. I could have been confident. But no. It is not what happened. Acceptance is so hard and painful. It really puts Mr even deeper into depression when I read articles about what to do to feel better and people say, tlak to a loved one or your family. I DON'T HAVE THAT!!!!! And even though I'm happy my  dad is ready to pay for the psychiatrist, he still doesn't want to communicate with me!!! He just treats me like a house plant or a house cat!!! And I don't even tlak about my mother because she is like a non existent ghost that does everything my dad says and from time to time says very hurtful and damaging things. 

I still cannot grasp the fact that my other aunt and uncle live literally in the same building!!!! But never invite me over! What the ***?? 

It's just the meanest thing ever. 

Bro. I don't even have a family. 

Screw that. 

Also, you say that Seven cups is like a family but I don't feel this way😭 I don't even actually know how it feels like to be in a loving family. I'm so used to this cold neglect. 

I sometimes think my parents had me just because society told them to. Because ot was THE thing to do to have kids. But they didn't think about the consequences.  Which is sad. 

And my other uncle, the memory of him still hurts. Why has he abandoned me? I trusted him! I thought he was there for me! I needed his support but he couldn't give it to me. 

I should forget him completely because the memory of him just hurts. 

I don't know what happened with the colors. I don't know how I did it😂😂😂

I jope you're doing OK and have a nice day. 

BTW I don't know if you like palm trees but can we have something like this in our garden? It looks so peaceful. I would love spending my time there and just chilling😎😎😎 

Hey girl. I hope you're doing Ok❤️ I just wanted to say that you're the best friend I ever had. I love you so much. I'm really, really grateful to have you in my life. I know we both have struggles in life and go through tough times, but we can make it together! I'm sure it will get better for both of us. Maybe I'm just a hypocrite because I'm crying of sadness right now, but I'm sure we will be OK. I just passed my exam in PE(I will have many more coming soon) and my dad didn't even congratulate me. I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out. 

But well, it will get better IT HAS TO. 

So, I just wanted to say that you are the bestest possible friend EVER! You are amazing! Your so kind and also very wise. You have such a great soul and personality.  

I hope your doing OK. And also, I'm always here for you if you need me. We will help each other go through these tough times❤️

I'm still do sad rn. I know it's about him but that HURTS😭