Space to talk

Girl, i'm struggling so much right now. It will genuinely be a miracle if i survive. The bad thing is that my parents never taught me any basic life skills so i feel like a non functional adult. I was never taught how to budget my money or how even a credit card works yk so i had and still have to teach it all myself. I would like to vent more about my situation but it will be so long. Also it's just so messed up i don't want to bother you.. It genuinely feels like my whole life is falling apart. I wanna make it so badly, i have dreams and goals but how? How do i do it? I am SO lost. It feels like i've been thrown at the sea by my family and now i have to do it all on my own. They except me to be able to make it and don't even understand how much they let me down. In their minds they think they are good parents and that's me who has a problem. There's so much things they don't even know. They barely even know me at all. Every time i had dreams they just discouraged me and now it's me who's doing the same. I'm even scared of telling my dreams to people because i fear being judged AGAIN. It feels like i have nothing, but i also barely explained well my situation tbh sorry for this.

So in short, i am living alone in an apartment in the same city as my parents and the city is so small and there's nothing to do and no one to see. I am technically still in high school( due to some things that happened don't wanna go into details), i am homeschooled because real life high school was horrible and i was bullied. My parents were never physically abusive but they were more the passive parents type. Like i could do anything and they were just ok. I could be physically in pain and they would be "oh ok fine go and buy some meds or go to the doctor if you need". I once told them i was having dark thoughts (at 13) and they said "what a stupid idea and laughed at me". My dad helped me to be homeschooled for my senior year of highscool but only after hours and hours of bargaining and explaining to him how bad it was in hs. I live alone because we were fighting almost everyday because i could see the toxicity and they were keeping me treating the same. They had a second apartment in the city they were renting and they decided i will go there to end the fights. So that's how i ended up alone in this apartment homeschooled and with no plans for the future. I feel like i'm at a dead end. I don't see how i will make it in the future. I am so lost. I know that i want for good go away from this country and go to uni in the us. It's my dream country and at least there will be good opportunities to have a good job and money if i work hard enough. My parents don't support me in the process at all and i have literally no one i can turn to. I think i can get a grant at least but in terms of everything else i am so lost. It sucks to leave alone when your parents don't support you. I know some people may think i am a brat because i live in an apartment that my parents provided but oh god you don't even know what happened behind close doors. It was ***. You can have parents that give you a place to live and stuff like that but that still treat you bad af. Everyday gets harder and harder and my dreams not achievable at all. I feel like i am battling something that is greater than me and i feel like i am losing this fight. But i wanna  make it! When i think about giving up on my dreams it hurts my heart. If there's even like 1 percent of chance to make it, girl i'm living. I'm living and making it! I know i'm supposed to be my own guarantee of making it in life but ugh, it's all so hard. I just wanna close my eyes and all this *** to disappear. I don't know why i felt like i was disappointing you. It's just that you're here for me trying your best and here i am wanting to give up yk, despite always wanting a bestie by my side.

Just wanted to also say, if i don't reply for a long time just know that well, you know what happened because in all honesty it's so hard to hold on.

Thanks so much. I want to support you but I can't do it rn. I have so many struggles and I need some alone time. Or we can talk about light hearted topics because I'm so sick of venting. Have a good day

Hi @Tinywhisper11 I hope you're doing OK. 

I really, really need to talk right now. I am so overwhelmed.  I wanna cry. Today has been stressful and I struggled to manage my emotions. They got in the way of me studying and now my head hurts after all this tension. I think the best is to take a break for an hour an then get back at studying.  I have this idea that I have to push myself no matter what and that's what I did today and that wasn't the right thing to do. I should have been more gentle on myself and allowed to rest more. So that's what I'm gonna do now. Health before anything, right?

I'm also a bit stressed out because I have so many things I want to do but can't because of my studies and my emotional dysregulation. But I'm trying my best which is enough buy I can't stop thinking about doing more. I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck in a place where I can't reach my full potential and where people don't even see and acknowledge my worth. I want to be seen and heard and cared for. Ugh. It's a lot to ask nowadays.  So that's why I have to learn how to appreciate myself but it's sooo hard.

I seriously keep thinking about how we can decorate our cottage even more because it helps me to stay relatively positive.  

It's like a safe place❤️ 

I thought about adding there some plants and beautiful flowers! And maybe also cute fluffy pillows to cuddle with and teddy bears! I love teddy bears! I have one and he's near me when I sleep🥺 I also cuddle him when I need comfort. But he doesn't have a name tho. I'm not good at naming things so he has no name😂

I remember you have a unicorn called Mayo (sorry I'd it's not right) I want a unicorn too now. To keep company to my teddy bear😁

If you have any name ideas for him that would be great!

@schrodingerscattt I have bit nervous. It is so much cold here. I am having a tea now. Hope everything is fine there.

Update. I cried a lot. You know just an intense grief wave about my past and how different things should have been. I was clearly in such distress and my parents didn't care. Ugh. But well I'm an adult now and I wanna give myself the love I didn't receive.  It's still painful tho. It's like a big big hurt deep from within. I feel empty now. In need of love. I really need a big, long hug. Plus my eyes hurt so bad rn. 

I still wanna cry so much and vent but it's gonna be such a long vent and you're not my psychologist after all😭

Anyways I'm gonna go and scroll on Pinterest  and try to have a better mood.

Pretty flowers for my pretty bestie❤️

I was scrolling again through Pinterest and found this picture.  I love flowers so so much. I really wanna buy myself a bouquet of flowers.  

Update. I messaged my uncle and he gonna call me soon. I really hope he will help me. 

Heyyy bestie are you ok?

I'm really worried about you. I want you to know I'm always here for you and you can vent if you want to or if you just wanna chat about whatever topic. I don't know why but I really got to love you as a friend! we never even met tho but I know that you're an amazing person  for sure! 

I'm struggling a lot rn myself but I still want to be here for you❤️❤️❤️

We can make it! Let's be strong together 😎 and eat lots of ice cream. I really need to eat something sweet to better my mood😂 

Aww thanks. Your support really helps me to keep afloat. Me too I think parents should treat their kids better. They are still my biological parents but I wanna distance myself from them when I can. Not everyone is lucky enough to have supportive parents. Tho this is an enormous plus in life. That would be fantastic to have. But at least I'm trying to learn 5o rely on myself and fend for myself. That can be useful in life. It would be great tho if their "parenting" didn't give me depression, anxiety and self hatred.  Ugh. I also try to remember that I am doing it for my younger self. She didn't go through all this bs to not get where she wants in life. I have dreams and goals and I'm going to do my best to achieve them. It's going to be tough but I'm willing to do this. And I hope one day the wounds my parents created will fully heal and I'll be able to recover❤️❤️❤️ i wanna be happy in life and stop being heartbroken.  I wanna be positive so bad. I just can't bring myself to joke about my situation it's not my thing. I'm gonna try and use my new idea of hobby to cope. I wanna sleep sm. I don't know if you ever experienced it but when I am deeply sad I immediately wanna sleep. It's like my brain shuts down completely.  I miss the way my brain could work. Bow it's just slow and I struggle to remember anything.  I wish my problems never happened. I know I shouldn't wallow in the pain but I still need to grieve. And I have things to grieve. I missed out on so many childhood experiences and so many life joys. I'm still missing out as I'm still heartbroken.  But well , to each their own path in life and I ahveto make sense of mine. I just don't have the mental energy to do so rn. 

I want to hope things will get better❤️ 

I usually hope half heartedly but this time I wanna fully have faith in a better future for me. I'm also incredibly thankful to talk to you. You have been an amazing friend and sometimes I fele like I don't deserve your kindness. You're really a sunshine, putting a smile on everyone's face❤️❤️❤️ thank you so so much for supporting me and everyone in this community.  You're definitely an inspiration for me to keep going and spreading kindness.  

Hey. I really need to talk to someone rn. I don't wanna vent or talk about myself tho. I want to have just a light hearted chat about whatever.  We can talk about ice cream if you want😁 whatever that will make my mind occupy

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?? Me it used to be vanilla but now I love pistachio ice cream. I don't eat ice cream in the winter tho. Only in summer. Now when I feel sad my go to is a blueberry donut(I love donuts 😁😁) and oreoss. But I should cut off the sugar for now. I also love imagining my dream life. It helps me to keep going. I have so many dreams. I'm a bit hesitant to share them because I used to be so mocked for them. I remember you said you wanted to see a waterfall in the forest and go to the seaside.  I would love to do it too but there's no forget near where I live and it's not like I have someone to go with. And going alone on a trip to the forset sounds like a beginning of a horror movie 😭 now that I think of it I have only big goals but not small ones. I got what I wanted in terms of material possessions.  Now I just want some great people around me and memories! 

Also you said you got an indoor palm tree right? That's so cool. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an indoor plant(never had one) but I don't think I'll be able to care about it. And here it costs soo much! I can't afford it😬 That's my new motivation to keep going and working hard: getting rich to buy a house plant😁 Yay! 

This message doesn't feel like me😭 I'm forcing myself to be optimistic rn but I don't wanna be sad.

How are you feeling today?