eyes and flowers talkie land
Please don’t lurkie or read or post in this thread unless your unassumingEyes or lovemymoonflowers. Thank you <3
@UnassumingEyes Hi eyes friend. uhhhh not sure what to say, I know your not always active around here and life can be busy ❤️ but i kind of just wanted a space to poke you every now and then and be able to have a space to talkie when your on cups. If your ok with it (no pressure though, its okie to say no, for whatever reason <3)
Flowers
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Did you know Scotland's national animal is a unicorn? Meanwhile Greek has the phoenix. I love that word– phoenix. The name itself is poetry, i think
It rained yesterday. Do you think a phoenix would hate water, like a cat? I still hate bathing. Do you like rain? I wrote a poem once, about thunderstorms. You know.
I really do miss you. So very randomly, you know? I wonder what your everyday is like, sometimes. I wish I met you in real life, but i dont like irl me, so–
I want to hear from you. Anything you want to say, whenever, whatever mood youre in. Take as many breaks as you need, but dont shut me out, yeah?
I really do miss you.
@unassumingEyes
yeah... it is like poetry. Phoenix. But i dont think i know what poetry is anymore, because you kind of need a bit of water or fire or something inside of you for poetry. and you have to have a soul for poetry, and you have to give a little of that soul away for poetry. but the past several months i just let myself dry up into a raisin. A raisin that's too dried up, too shriveled so its not so sweet anymore I guess. and it cant go back to the same grape it used to be. and you don't find raisins in the vineyard, where all the other grapes are. And you have to have a soul for poetry, and it just feels easier to play the "happy" game in front of everyone and forget being real with real friends, its easier to do all that than have a soul, its easier to do all that than confront whats eating your insides.
That doesn't make any sense but oh well lol.
Probably. if a phoenix is made of fire, then water would kill it. maybe they would try to avoid it at all costs. its ok. i hate bathing too. it makes me feel gross when i cant find the energy to get it done, and that gives my brain more reasons to repeat that lovely affirmation "i AM gross" but it takes so much energy to make myself clean again. And no matter how many times i wash myself, i always end up dirty again, from the inside out, and i wonder whats the point.
Idk if i like rain. do you?
yeah. sometimes i wish i met you in real life too, but if we never met here, and instead it happened irl, it would probably be different. Its harder to really meet people irl. like you can meet their facade, their face, who they are outside. but not inside. its harder to share pieces of your soul with people who have seen your face. People irl who see your facade, like parents, think it is the real you, but dont put the effort to try to read between lines or see underneath.
I miss you too... i miss what our friendship used to be like, but then i went ahead and ruined it and kept disappearing. I think i always do that.
...it wasnt really a break, I think. a break is when you know your coming back. I wasnt sure whether i wanted to come back. i just kept drifting away from cups and told myself i was probably done with it, but i didnt want to be done with it because you all are here. So i came back now and then and disappeared again. just to make sure you all are still here. but to be friends with you again, and to be family with you again. Can a person change too much, so they can never go back to being what they used to be? Idk. I'm just that dried-up raisin now, and i cant find my soul.
I never tried anything. i promise, eyes. i remember what you, my big sister, and our little brother, and our other family members, used to say. i dont think about doing it as much. I'm sorry you worried. that was insensitive as *** on my end. i probably should have said something. When i come back here i get a lump in my throat. idk what im trying to say.
Last summer i went crazy, with us being b@nn3d for a time. cups felt like a maze, the resort felt like a maze. i fell sick. my mom was sick, sick sick in the head. i dont remember much. i still love my parents. she said my mind was full of lies. my dad did something weird. I dont think it counts, and i dont know why it still bothers me. I told the wrong people and now many people know. They are not bad, but i dont trust them enough. he requests weird things sometimes. i say no.
I never wanted to shut you out, and i never thought i would. but i think i just shut everyone out. Being real takes energy, i just wanted to be fake and "happy" for awhile. Being here meant i had to be real. eventually it would come spilling out, if i was still here, so i kept it in, and i didnt come here. i felt happy, but it also felt shallow. my mom seems kinder now, but its disorienting because i remember everything. and i remember nothing. i just kept things on the shelf. they kept coming back to haunt me, and thats when i would come back here, but i still didnt want to say anything.
Im sorry.
...
have you been ok?
the corner is gone. you tagged me. i never saw it. i dont know what happened. and you dont have to tell me. its ok.
Nahoa is gone too.
well, ***. I wrote an essay.
@LoveMyMoonflowers
I don't know whats going on with nahoa. Sometimes hes okay, sometimes hes not. You know how it is. Why he is gone, what it means– i simply dont know.
The corner is gone so that no one irl will ever find it. I did it for my safety, but I hate that I had to. It feels a little bit like defeat
I think I understand what you mean, about your soul. I dont think its gone. Did you know raisins can be restored? No matter how dried up they are. Theyre never the same plump, happy grape they once were, but theyre not ruined even when they look like it. Theyve still got that bit of soul in them. I think your soul's in there too, a little lost, a little trapped. Maybe thats why every now and then, you pop in to check on us.
You havent ruined anything between us. I love you, still, and I know that life sucks, and so I dont blame you for anything at all. I used to be bitter– remember?– when one of you disappeared like that. But i think along the way i grew to understand. And so its okay
Of course I'm glad to hear you havent tried anything. And while I wish you were around more, to share more moments with us, if you ever decide to leave cups quietly...but i would always worry, remember that. Thats what you do when you care.
He misses you, our brother. His life has changes too. He and I agree that you are lovely, and that life has more colour when youre around. But I digress.
I hope your father doesnt push you, that your situation is and remains safe. I kind of get what you mean about your mother: my mom has been kind to me too. It makes you ache a different way.
I do like the rain. It's odd, since i hate bathing. You hit the description about bathing right on the nail. I feel that way too. Sometimes I think im the only one.
We cope in weird ways, dont we? Im in my mind alot nowadays. You'll rarely find me thinking about irl. I prefer all these fictional realities, and most of the time im not where i physically am. Maybe thats a bad thing, like you avoiding cups so it doesnt all come spilling out. But its very human. People say we need to be strong, but they seem to forget we've been strong for a long, long time
And now we're tired.
And maybe shrivelled up, dried raisins.
But I dont think we're gone
@unassumingEyes
replying to this after a whole goddang month :') *yeets myself*
idk if it is… defeat. my mom is going all prayer-ey on me and saying everything will be fine over here because god will protect us and all that. but she also kept documents and clothes out. maybe deleting the corner feels somewhat like a defeat, but i guess it is also just being prepared. just in case. there were a lot of memories there… and i hate that you had to too, but yeah, your safety is important first.
yeah, maybe. but thats the thing. it will never be that grape ever again…
do you still come on cups a lot anymore? whenever i pop on every half century or so or something everything seems to quiet here. kind of dead. i miss how it used to be.
💜
yeah, i miss him too. im always excited to see him if i pop in the rooms but i dont act buddy-buddy, because i know the weird feeling of someone disappearing for ages and ages and then coming back and still acting like close friends, and sometimes that’s awkward and feels fake to the other person, i think…
yeah, im safe. but i hate how my brain makes up dumb scenarios to "prepare" me. brains are annoyingly overprotective and sometimes for no reason. and you…? you ok? have you been safe?
yeah, exactly. it does ache in different, weird sort of way. sometimes it makes all the old bad things feel fake.
nah, definitely not the only one. but then again its a really human thing to always feel alone.
yeah, we do. distracting ourselves, putting memories on shelves until they grow legs and come back running to bite us, and all other weird human coping mechanisms… yeah, i get that. home life can be crazy and now its also the world thats just, literally always going insane. its kind of darkly hilarious. but grotesque at the same time. ive been playing more video games nowadays. chill games, horror games. anything to get away from all the noise. yeah, your right. it is human. idk if its exactly bad… we need to cope somehow, with all the ***. at the same time im not sure its good either. but confronting things head on is so overwhelming. it feels easier to just stay in a fictional world, either of your own making or someone else's.
have you still been writing? /nfta
yeah, exactly. people expect that strength to go on forever and forever, to wear a smile and face the world and home and our own cob-webbed minds happily and without complaint. but eventually that strength runs out. theres no magical endless reserve of strength and energy.
ngl that ending should be turned into a poem…
@LoveMyMoonflowers
its fine, dw. atleast youre here now.
My parents are being prayer-y too, now. Don't worry, just pray, God will protect us. Their certainty bounces off me, but it doesnt stick. It never does.
I feel weird without the corner. Untethered. Floating without an anchor. It was necessary, maybe, but the cruel kind of necessary you can't stand.
No, yeah, i know. We've kind of lost our old selves, and it wasnt very fair.
No, im not on cups alot. I come on atleast once daily, but I dont chat around or anything. I dont know why. I dont think about it, much.
I get your point of view, but i think he's just glad to see you. We all are. I know we're changing, alot, but...I think we can look past that. Youre still our friend, our sister. If we need to adjust, we'll adjust
I dont know if im ok, tbh. Lifes weird, but im coping atm. We'll just have to see what happens. Im glad your safe
Pretty accurate. I hope the video games give you some sort of shelter, from everything. Maybe it isnt the best thing, but i think we need it.
I do write, but it isnt pretty, and I tend to delete it afterwards. Its like...screaming for help but covering the ears of anyone who might hear you. I read something like that, somewhere, once.
Right? Atp, idk how I have any strength left. It doesnt feel like i do, but somehow im still here. It should feel like a win, maybe, but it doesnt.
@unassumingEyes
Yep. My mom was visibly worried on the first day and still is now and then when we hear about the attacks and interceptions. but she prays. and tells me to trust god. and that because “god put us here” nothing bad will happen. Yeah, I get that, the certainty never sticks. certainty isn’t enough for our brains, their instinct is to ruminate over and over until the worry is worn.
yeah I get that feeling. untethered, without an anchor, but also kind of like suffocation. It’s one thing trying to find the words to express. its also another thing when you have the words but nowhere to scream them. Nfta but I'm guessing you did it because of the l@ws in your country or cuz of the possibly of family finding it, or both…? idk, i was thinking I still have some of my old diary spaces. Well not some, just two. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to use that if that is a safe option. no one comes there and it wouldn’t show up on your profile since the my account owns the thread. I wont reply there if you ask not to. When it comes to family i guess its the same amount of risk as coming on cups in general because of say, this pen pal space or other pen pal spaces your in. And maybe if you don’t want your cups account attached to your regular e.mail you can make a burner/extra e.mail just for cups? Idk those are probably useless suggestions 😕 but those were just some thoughts that popped in my head
It's never fair. nothing is fair…
💙
I mean, it doesn't have to be pretty. yeah, sometimes you need that. Screaming into a void. sometimes that feels good, sometimes not so good. But im glad you still write. even if you delete it later, even if you dont think it’s pretty. I'm sure its better than your brain says it is
Im glad you’re still here. Hugs. but i get that feeling too. The supply of strength is not endless, it feels more like we are just pushing ourselves more and more to the limit, waiting for the limit to come so we can collapse and rest, but the limit never comes.
love you eyes 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers
love you 🤍
your offer's so kind it took me by surprise. i deleted the space because of the laws here. The risk of my parents finding out is the same with or without the place. nothing can stop the storm that wld come of that happens
...youve said more. i agree with everything, but ive run out of words right now. sorry...maybe ill try another reply, in the morning 🤍
@LoveMyMoonflowers have i shared this with you? Im not sure I have. Its from a song, rockrose and the thistle by the amazing devil. Ive never heard the song, yknow, but i found this in a fanfic once, and it lives in my heart rent free now
The Kindest Thing
When you call to me asleep
Up the ragged cliffs I scramble
A single thread hangs limply down
And I breathe not now, not now
And I find you all unwoven
Trying desperately to sew
And I know the kindest thing
Is to leave you alone
I wake and hear you calling
And up those cliffs I climb
And I find you with a thimble weeping
May I, I ask, may I?
And you gently gift it to me
'Cause you've no clue how to sew
And I know the kindest thing
I pray to God it's the kindest thing
I know the kindest thing
Is to never leave you alone
@unassumingEyes that’s beautiful. it’s crazy the lovely kinds of things you can find in peoples fics. going to try to listen to that song later but my earphones just died 😑 (they're bluetooth ones) they die a lot nowadays…
Moanas back. Its alright, i think. As much as it ever is. I hope this bit of good news will help, a little 🤍
@unassumingEyes it does 💜 hugs.
@LoveMyMoonflowers
hey, i just saw the news, im worried, let me know youre okay when you can, alright? stay safer than safe
@unassumingEyes
hi
yeah. woke up to learn of it. we are fine. are you safe? saw something going on about your home country too…
over here i don’t think they struck civilian areas. not sure they will but we will see. there aren’t any shelters, but there’s the metro.
(hugs if okay)
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Thank god. Thank you for answering 🤍 hope it stays safe where you are
Im not in the middle east atm, but my dad was travelling back and he's stuck in the uae rn. freaking out a little, ngl.
hope it doesnt come to needing any shelters for you
hugs 🤍
@unassumingEyes
💜
oh god. thats not good. i hope your dad is safe right now?
💜
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Still stuck at the airport. Trying to arrange some place to stay the night– we dont know anyone in uae. Still, he's as safe as anyone in the middle east is rn
keeping you in my thoughts tonight 🤍 hope things are more stable come morning
@unassumingEyes Keeping you in my thoughts too 💙 nothing so far today on Qatar I believe, didn't hear any booming sounds in the morning of the interceptions and I checked the news and it's just all about, like a summary of what happened yesterday.
@LoveMyMoonflowers
I get it if its not possible for you, but if it is can you keep me updated on your safety as long as this goes on? It would mean alot to me to know that youre safe
they hit the airport in uae. the travellers had been sent to hotels before it happened, so dads fine, but just moments after he left the airport- in the middle of the night- they hit it. And i dont want to worry you, but i also dont have anyone else, and I am scared and I am overthinking it all.
hugs if okay 🤍
@unassumingEyes it’s ok, it is. I’ll try to check cups and update you but if you are able to too please update me on you and your dad 💜
yeah I heard that from my dad 😭 oh god. This is so *** stupid. Stupid *** war.
that was 13 hours ago though, is he safe? I am guessing the air spaces are still closed? Is your dad ok right now?
(Hugs you very tightly)
Eyes they’re saying in the news one person died and 11 people injured, eyes is your dad ok?
@LoveMyMoonflowers
hes okay. he heard the explosions but it wasnt near him. we dont know how long he'll be stuck in uae
the news keeps scaring me about your country. super glad to hear from you. hugs you very very tightly 🫂 i hope its not very scary over there
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Howre things there? Howre you? Are you safe, in both war and non-war contexts?
Everythings the same from my side. Dad's still stuck in uae, but atleast things arent worse
Thinking of you.
@unassumingEyes
(Hugs) 💙 💙
sorry for disappearing for a bit again. I've hit a weird spot in the land of brain and decided to isolate a bit again from people… the abyss called lol, and the call of the abyss can't be neglected.
Trust me on that the news probably makes it out to be either much better or much worse than it is. I'm much more worried about the iranians rn tbh. it pains me to know about the generations worth of pain they have been carrying. and the uncertainty of everything, of the future. and people on the other side of the world on social media telling them how to feel about their home…
Things are ok here. i mean, the US base got hit the other day, but no one there got hurt. we're still intercepting missiles and the drones. Debris is probably falling in some places, which is why the government tells us to stay inside and away from where the debris has fallen or might fall. today my mom got a new alert on her phone that added to the instructions: stay inside, and stay away from the windows. But we are safe, dw 💙 hugs.
Is your dad still stuck in UAE? I think they opened the air space a bit and they’ve started a limited number of flights? Not sure though, if they've started flights to your home country, i think they tend to prioritise some flights to europe first when the air space starts to open. Air space is opening a bit here too, I think…
ive not been keeping up with every bit of piece on the news either but I heard about a war started between pak and afganistan too? You ok? I hope you're not anywhere near where the stuff might be happening… (?) 💙
how are you otherwise?
other than war stuff, I'm ok. Hanging in there kinda, but im ok. :')
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Thats ok. I wish the abyss wldnt call you (thats my frnd your calling, mr. abyss), but i wont judge you for how you respond to the call. As long as you come back, i suppose
Dads still stuck, but he has a chance tonight– to come to Pak. Everyone is very anxious, but I admit ive lost all the energy needed to worry. I am only very, very tired.
Okay. I heard about the debris- i think your country and the uae is kinda taking the brunt of Irans attacks- and i was worried when i did. Just stay safe
I get it, i feel bad for the iranians too. And theyre facing so much backlash for irans attacks on the US bases- and I get people's anger, cuz those are our families that are being brushed aside as casualities- but the Iranian people are just...people. Probably terrified ones atm, too..
(Tw for this bit:)
The Pak Afghan war is mostly Pak hitting Afghanistan, tbh. The Afghanis dont have the kind of missiles we're seeing in the ME, so we're safe in that regard. What we're worried about is smaller, terrorirt attacks, like su*cide bombers. Precautions are being taken but beyond that, we live as we always do
Hugs if oki 🤍 very relieved to hear from you 🤍
Eyes 💙 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers
hi lovely 🤍 sorry i took 10 yrs to type out a reply xD
@unassumingEyes hi 💙
that means im 26 now and i have a job or something…
@LoveMyMoonflowers
xD 26. whew. i'd be nearing 28 in 10 yrs...thats practically 30. Nope. Mentally checking out of that train of thought now thanks
@unassumingEyes yeah, same. Thats… a lot to think about. Theres enough to worry about in the present :') (hugs)
@LoveMyMoonflowers
yeah...
i age up in may. do you think...
do you think teen side will be okay without me? in a non-ego sense
@unassumingEyes Me and Rome wont be ok 😭
@LoveMyMoonflowers
Dad made it. The way out he tried last night worked, he's here in pak with us now. thank god.
im relieved about him but still pretty tense about everything. got frnds there...got you there, and i cant get you to safety somehow. left praying and wondering if anyone hears all the many prayers..
i liked chatting with you in the gc again. ill miss that, when i age over. ill miss that alot. hope it wasnt too weird for you- after the gap. after the abyss. hope your mom coolded down too
will respond to other things, later. lots of optional hugs and love for you 🤍
@LoveMyMoonflowers
How do i say im worried for the 100th time without repeating myself?
Seriously, tho, the news scares me with regards to your safety. Hope your faring better- much better- than my fears suggest to me. Lots of love for you 🤍