eyes and flowers talkie land

@LoveMyMoonflowers thinking about you 🤍🤍

@LoveMyMoonflowers

Sorry. It doesnt seem right to not have checked in all week. Im just not totally okay, and it's hard, sometimes. But it feels wrong.

I hope these posts arent– pressurizing? Im just here to let you know im here. Thats all, no secret intent. You can ignore these as long as you will, although I admit to worrying about you and hoping youre okay

words arent on my side these days, but i hope you get what im trying to say anyways

@LoveMyMoonflowers

(I need to stop bombarding you with these. You dont to read/respond to all of them, dw)

how are things there? they say schools are opening in your country. Thats a good sign, right? i hope say. Stuff in kwt isnt great, my friends tell me. So i dont– im not sure.

And not-war related things; i hope theyre okay, too. That your parents are, i dont know. quieter, maybe. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

I miss you. I worry about you. I dont know what to do with that– when youre here I can give you all this love, but when youre not im just left holding it, and feeling a little out of depth, which I think you'd understand. Maybe if I hold it long enough, itll follow me everywhere, and ill never be alone

Im in a weird mood tonight. The kind in which it wld be best for me to be alone, lest i reveal all my vulnerabilities to the universe. Still, I came on cups to talk to you, specifically. And maybe somehow you will hear me

I really, really wish you are okay. And happy. The news is terrifying, but I hope you arent watching it. I hope theres arent any sirens– or bombs. I hope the most you can hear in the silence of night is screeching cats and screeching arab old men. Thats noise ive slept too many a time. That noise isnt here, where i live now. Here everything is silent. 

I hope good things are finding you, over and over and over again

hello eyes,

i guess it would be pretty dumb to say "sorry for replying late" like i usually do. real apologies are followed by change, and ive not really changed. making all those past sorry's pretty useless tbh. i know i always come back and then disappear. days later, weeks later, months later. idk. anyway…

im glad and relieved to hear about your dad 💙 i've not really been checking the news much recently - have things been ok there in pak? i hope you are safe? 

yeah that one time in the gc was fun. it already feels like it was ages ago though lol. well. i guess it sort of was. ill miss it too, when you age up… i already miss things, i miss how everything used to be. 

im sorry for worrying you. things are okay here and i mean that. i guess i dont really know how things are in UAE, Kuwait, bahrain, etc. except from things i know in the news, but sometimes the news makes things worse or better than they are. the past weeks I feel they have been hitting those other counties the hardest and not qatar. even if we have been getting a few attacks, which idk, it’s not been showing up in our local news, the government doesn’t say anything, my parents phones don’t even get missile alerts anymore. most days I don’t hear any booms or explosion sounds at all, and we all here go about our normal daily business. Today is an exception in that my parents got the alerts and I heard some booms. that was almost an hour ago. a few days ago (?) they intercepted a cruise missile or something but we didn’t get alerts for that and I didn’t hear any sounds. it must have been far away. 

we don’t have sirens here, thankfully, but that would be terrifying. :') I think they have them in bahrain. 

re: the evacuations - no I think that was the area near the embassies, especially the US embassy. I don't live near there 

Yeah, schools opened here. my mom says that might be a reason they don’t send alerts anymore, because they want the country to keep running but don’t want people to panic. But idk.

eyes…

i've been thinking that it's time for me to leave this place. cups, i mean. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

I'm choosing my words very carefully, so if this is lengthy, forgive me

I start with the simplest of facts: that I love you, i missed you, and I am very grateful to hear from you.

And then facts you may not know: that I dont want or need apologies. That the eyes that used to cling so hard she could break, and that exploded at every absence, is long gone. That this eyes– this eyes only wants what is best for you. Did I not say that I would always wait for you? Do you think theres a price for that, a condition? This is what we do now, eyes and flowers– we wait for each other. We come back for each other. Its that simple, it really is.

I'm glad youre safe, and I'm safe too. I havent heard of your country in the news much. No news is good news, in these times.

The rest– darling, i'll say that in a new post, or this will become unreadable 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

My darling, lovely flowers,

I hear you. I know cups isn't the same– nearly the same, and neither are we. What can be said? In two months, I age over, and everything changes while nothing does. I recieve more goodbyes than hellos, now– forum uncle is gone, too. For us, cups seems haunted, now. A living ghost.

I trust your judgement, so if this place isnt doing it for you, i wont be the one to hold you back. Its the implications I fear. Will you stick to living without cups? will you allow those brief moments of hope? will you ask for help? will people notice when you need it? will you remember how very important you are? 

will i ever hear from you, again? 

my sister, my friend, my companion of two years. will i ever stop worrying about you? 

i dont think i will. i dont know that i can.

but i know you cant promise me– anything. if i am to let you go, it will be with the lingering doubt, if there was more that I could have done for you, if you'll be okay

you know what i mean. you and i have felt it before, with others. we wld always have had to feel it again, with each other. i know that. 

am i saying too much, too little? i want to promise you something. ive promised our brother a school in his name, however i will manage that. i will because I must. what could I promise you? what else do I have to give?

to you, I promise a way to return. you may never chose to, but if you do and i am alive then– 10 years later, 20– i'll be here on cups. i will wait, without complaint. i'll volunteer, ATL, maybe mod around, or ill be an ordinary member, but if ever you return, and i am alive, my promise to you is eyes, with a purple pfp and a silly username, will be here.

this is whether you leave soon, or long later. my promise stands, my message stands. 

i am very proud of you, yknow that? 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

I miss you, you know. Dont feel guilty, or anything. Youve not dont anything wrong....sooner you believe that the better.

But I miss you.

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

I have so many thoughts I dont know what to do with them. And then I dont want to burden you, and yet I hate the silence that comes with your absence.

Does it burden you? These messages? These attempts to fill the silence, to pretend you're here, to tell you that I'm thinking of you?

I don't know how to love without clinging. To remember without longing. To hope without suffocating. 

You must be alright. Eventually, you must be, because otherwise the world is pointless. 

I've been thinking about what others must think about us cupsers. I wonder, sometimes– are we allowed to call this love? I've never heard you laugh. I know it must be an amazing laugh, because it's yours. Maybe you can't name it, what we cups friends have– maybe it's an injustice to try.

Funny how that works.