hi purpleHemlock3913
@purpleHemlock3913
hope this works
i know you said you tried thought i would too
@stormieandpaws oh, wow! I tried more than five times yesterday. Not sure why. By the way, how are you today?
@purpleHemlock3913
little better today then yesterday appointment at community mental health went well today so that was good last night was really not doing well kinda dumped in 24/7 support room last night but think it helped been kinda down last few weeks but feel others expected me to always be positive but i have my days that i just am not
how are you
@stormieandpaws glad to hear the appointment went well. Sorry about not being online the past two days, I had some things to do but I am sure I will check in at least once a week because I asked you to be pen pals! Thank you.
I kind of get it the always being positive. I also have my days, sometimes I am still too paranoid but it's still manageable. What do you do when you feel down? I have some days when I can't sleep no matter how tired I am because I'm feeling so depressed.
@purpleHemlock3913
it ok i go days at times without being online it just how i am bad habits' hard to break as i kinda go into isolation mode when i am down due to not wanting to be burden to others not wanting to disappoint others so i withdrawal a lot when i feeling down i know this a reaction to past and the abuse but still i end up doing it more then i should
so as far as knowing what to do when down i not sure either i am getting better at saying how i really feeling but it hard to do a lot of the time still due to most my life i was not allowed to feel as i did when i voiced how i felt i was told that was not how i felt at all then told how i was feeling
for me sleep always a battle due to pain and also thoughts
@stormieandpaws Stormie, you are not a burden to me at all! No, you don't disappoint me either. I understand wanting to isolate. Opening up to wrong people can make us feel what we're doing is wrong when in fact it's not at all. I see that... I too isolate but for a different cause. I have trust issues. It's no matter when people are kind to me I almost always expect them to hurt me next. It can be a battle sometimes.
I'm glad you now can be honest to say what you're feeling. Suppressing ourselves all the time can bring some serious problems.
Another topic. I bought this online and it was fun to build it. It's so small! It's only the half of my palm so it was a struggle. I still haven't completed it. Maybe next time.
Still have a lot of steps to do. Maybe I'll finish it next week. How are you?
@stormieandpaws Stormie, you are not a burden to me at all! No, you don't disappoint me either. I understand wanting to isolate. Opening up to wrong people can make us feel what we're doing is wrong when in fact it's not at all. I see that... I too isolate but for a different cause. I have trust issues. It's no matter when people are kind to me I almost always expect them to hurt me next. It can be a battle sometimes.
I'm glad you now can be honest to say what you're feeling. Suppressing ourselves all the time can bring some serious problems.
@purpleHemlock3913
i have trust issues too but am doing better then was i use to rejected others before they could rejected me i almost done that here a few time like delet account but have not the isolation for me a form of running away from others think due to it was family members who hurt me the most then kids at school kinda like went with brothers in picking on me so was both at home and at school
trigger warning
i lost my only best friend who i had known from age 4yr to age 10yr her mom end her life and her sisters too her mom passed in what she did to so after that i never had a best friend until i moved in may 2017 just that any friendship i had my mom took it over so could not trust them due to they told my mom things i said so that kinda why i a lot of times rejected before i get rejected
even now family members down me due to that i moved away from family they say i was to take care of parents due to i not have hubby or kids like others in family do
so i been told i am a burden most my life also a disappointment i know this trauma based too
@stormieandpaws I get that. I'm sorry your family is not understanding and tends to break unspoken boundaries. I hate that when I tell something and others tell it to someone else. I'm sorry about the best friend. That must have been difficult to grieve and let go. It's life, but I understand sometimes it makes us hesitate to open up to new people because we're afraid of losing them again or maybe they end up hurting us.
My case is I thought I could trust my old friends with moral issues. Basic moral issues that I think adults should understand. Turns out not. It is what it is, sadly.
Family matters are complicated. I think I remember what happened, you had told me before. People think we can heal magically and forget about everything in the past. That might be possible, but for us to return to the relationship? That's another thing.
@purpleHemlock3913
not been on last few days smoke from the wildfires in Canada been really awful been under air alarm and was at the highest it goes wed. and yesterday it better today but can still see it and smell it with my asthma it been really bad even inside with windows closed so been sick then tired so not been online at all
was upset at dad i called each day he did not answer until today i was worried about them as both mom and dad 84yr old dad has heart issues mom has breathing ones both have many health issues even after all they done to me i love them and worry about them but know i can not be around them due to how they be as still verbally mentally emotionally also spiritually so it hard for me as they get older too but i already been grieving that my family should have been like too
i at times trust to fast think it due to i want human connection but scared of it too i been learning boundaries even with my parents and expected them to respect them they getting better at it after i hung the phone up on them after warning them if they not stop way they talking i hang up
with my friend she never been taught that everything about her also never learned boundaries so she not use to them at all i had to also over and over explain to her what gossips is due to she say she was not doing it and was i not trust her anymore with most things due to she tell others
trust is hard to do at times also hard to know who one can trust too
it odd but i more trusting online then offline i think it due to others not know who you be also can not see what you look like offline i been teased most my life due to how i look also due to i am not one to conform to what others see as normal i my own self now but others have always see me as odd one so it hard offline so much of the time
forgiveness is not for the one who hurt you it for you away of letting go that not forgetting or being around them any more it like freeing yourself from bitterness and hate i found that in that come freedom
@stormieandpaws
hello, Stormie. Sorry for the late reply. I logged in yesterday and forgot to reply. It's okay, take some rest. I hope you have the medical supplies for your asthma.
You're stronger than me in this part. It takes a lot of strength to reconcile and reach out and to help them. It really is. I tried, once. It went well. But to do it over and over again, I honestly don't have the energy to do it even though I know it's the right thing. You're admirable. I honestly think I should do it but maybe later not this time.
I understand about trusting too fast... I do too. It's good you know the reason behind it. Human connection is necessary, but there are people that take advantage of it. Lately I'm surprised about how people in my life can lack empathy so much and chose to hurt people. I think hurt people hurt people. That's the only thing I can think of and that's how I can forgive. But sometimes it's still unbelievable.
It's nice that it's easier for you to trust people online. Yeah, anonymity can bring some sense of emotional safety. I'm not sure about how you look but nobody should be teased because of that. People can be shallow. I think sometimes we can't do much about how we look because it's what given to us. I think it's very childish to do tease people based on how they look. I had some people tease me too and most of the time I shrug it off but there were sometimes that it still hurts because I have low emotional energy.
I agree with forgiveness is freedom from bitterness and hate. It also allows us to move on to do the next thing.
Take care, Stormie.
@purpleHemlock3913
your so right most people in my life until i moved seemed to not care when they hurt others they even blame the ones they hurt was unwilling to talk it out too due to my learning disabilities i was teased a lot even by some teachers in grade school sadly this was not uncommon when i was young but laws were made so it stopped happening for most part the sad part was my brothers started getting others to tease and pick on me from my first day at school i remember how mean the kids were on the bus that day they even throw my shoes out bus window
what worst is i got picked on for being different in way i acted was called good little church girl a lot and well other things like that due to i not say and do things they was that did not stop until i moved herre even family members did that having high morals seem to be thought of as being odd sadly even being honest was i got in trouble in a store do to i was honest when asked a question but mom was breaking the rules at a co-op by buying things their for others the store manger saw something in cart a few bags of it and said you must really like that i said no mom getting it for lady next door due to that my parents got kicked out of the co-op i was like 4yr old but still remember they blamed me for getting kicked out of co-op but now see it was not my fault i was just being honest
trust is a odd thing and should be done a little at a time not all at one time over trusting to fast can bring getting hurt more
@stormieandpaws
children can be so mean, I don't get why some people say children are like angels. No, it depends. Some children are kind hearted and good natured but some aren't, maybe mostly because lack of nurturing in their lives. And I imagine it must have been disheartening to be let down by teachers, even. I also had that in my life and even during middle school when I could understand what's happening it was really discouraging. It affected learning even though I don't have learning disabilities. So, imagine that. It's sad people don't get equal chance of good education. I wish people could be kind to one another, truly kind without wanting anything in return. I agree about trust because sadly some people are evil or are desperate enough to use and abuse others.
Today I cooked for a family member. I love cooking it helps me get through the day. I look forward mostly trying new recipes... I don't know. I'm feeling much better. At least I try not to focus on myself too much it can be painful sometimes.
@purpleHemlock3913
yes agree that kids not angels i know even with my kind heart and feelings for others at times i could be mean but not much for me it was more like was mean when got hurt like a dog who corned and being hurt but sadly most the time i only lashed out at my self not others it so crazy but for me it was like i really did not want to hurt others i wanted to be helpful kind and loving my dad stated i wear my heart on my shirt sleeve so that was why i got hurt so much i need to toughen up that never happened at all
funny how get some of them who mistreated end up to be kind hearted loving ect and ones who was treated good some be evil in the end
today was able to get out as air was clean
i to love to cook but have no one to cook for now use to do most the cooking at home from like 12yr until i got marred then cooked for hubby and kids it fun trying new recipes i do that too but also make up own recipes too i became good at using left overs for other meals was taught to not waste food from young age too
feel it good to put others first at times but not all the time like i was taught as a kid i finding more of a balance now with that feel good to say no at times use to feel guilty if i told someone no
so much many of us had to unlearn and learn new ways seem you had to do that too
yes anyone can be evil mean at any age sadly many be that way only give when they getting something in return
i like to share a idea with you i done over the years i have a thing i give small gifts but no on holidays or birthday i do it just out of the blue no special time at all people at first go it not my birthday and other things like that but then when you tell them it a gift due to how special you be it can brighten someones day almost every time :)
@stormieandpaws
I did try replying earlier but I accidentally deleted the draft. I think it's a normal reaction to fight back when being hurt. I get better this year not to lash out at others. Some people were trying to hurt me but sometimes I take it the wrong way even though they don't mean it. Even when they apologize I still have difficulty letting it go sometimes.
I can relate that I'm still angry at myself from time to time. However nowadays my anger tends to be outward not inward. I think to toughen up depends on the severity of the situation. And when we're overwhelmed it's difficult to tolerate small things sometimes.
Yeah, with people being evil even though they have a good childhood... I think they don't realize the consequences later in their lives and for the people around them.
Glad you're able to go out. It's nice. I can't imagine the smoke and heat from the fire.
I agree it's fun trying new recipes. Nice that you get creative with leftovers. I usually just heat them. I rarely have leftovers I just cook for the day.
Yes, I have to unlearn several things in my life. For me it's to not to overextend my trust when someone is being manipulative to me. I also didn't listen to my gut and paid the price. My empathy sometimes overrides my judgement.
That's nice! That's a beautiful thing. I would love to receive it 😁😁. Thank you in advance 💕
@purpleHemlock3913
seem we share a lot in common i the same why i end up trusting wrong people and yes they manipulative me sad part is worst one was my mom she do it all the time seems that a lot of it i was blind too until later in my life line one thing she used a lot to get her way was if i said no to her and what she wanted me to do or say she would go you must not love me any more as you not do or say what i want you too so most times i gave in this started like when i was very very young i did not want my mom to feel i did not love her the abusive brother also was very manipulative in many ways it how he a lot of the time end up being able to get me not to tell others what he was doing to me
my empathy was used angst me a lot as even family members seemed to get me to do or believe things do to my empathy sadly mom again used that she had a very bad childhood so she tell me stories of things happened to her yes i feel very sorry for her but later in life i saw she did not want to do healing work she wanted pity and others to feel sorry for her due to my empathy i stayed in the abuse as was trying to save my mom from the abuse she was still in but again saw she did not want to get out of the abuse that was when i started believing that i could not save her so i end up moving away but it not mean i not love her still it means i know i could not get her to leave the abuse but i could leave it and be free as i am now
so i can relate to what you said very deeply
@stormieandpaws
Sometimes I wonder how can some people do evil things yet they don't feel guilty about it. I feel bad when I hurt people even when it's unintentional. It feels like I must make amends when I feel guilty. Not sure if it's because of my upbringing or I'm just born with it.
I agree empathy without boundaries is dangerous. It's also true that we can't change people. We can only influence them to change but the decision is theirs. I also feel like that when I think someone's emotional burden is deep I tend to want to rescue them. Not sure why... I think deep down I feel guilty about not doing something but it can be dangerous because it's not helping them it's enabling them. And it will hurt me in the end.
@purpleHemlock3913
i am the same with feeling bad even if i hurt them unintentional that why i tell others if you feel like i hurt you please come to me and tell me so i can understand why you feel that way as truth is so many assume things and read into things to point they hurt by them but communication is the key to working things out yes i want to help everyone at times i also know i enabled others but it was unintentional i seen first hand what enabling a person does my parents enabled my oldest brother a lot so he lived with them most his adult life even with his kids and wive or girlfriend at times mostly in parents basement so he never learned to like use money wise ways also never learned to take respanablity for things even self mom even made excuses for what he did to me the sexual abuse and other abuse they treated him way different them other brother and me i know why too but the reason why seems to me so bad
oldest brother was always mean even before i was born he was mean to my other brother but when he was around 5yr was sick mom and dad waited until his fever got way high so he end up with brain damage dad and grandma wanted to put him in a hospital for kids with brain damaged but mom not let them so she tuaght him to walk again and many other things again but i believe the guilt they had was why they enabled him but he went to normal school had jobs and kids was married etc mom said he did not know better when he abused us other kids but i know he did due to he would not do it in front of people he threatened us both if we told he hurt even kill others and pets so if he not known no better he would not have been like that at all
but parents' enabled him all his life by doing that they hurt both us other kids i was a year old when he got sick and that happened my other brother end up taking care of me a lot he was only 3yr due to mom only cared about brother and proving others wrong sad when a 3yr old taking can of a 1yr old
so yes i know how evil people can be also what happens when you enable another person
@stormieandpaws
I agree communication is key. Stormie, have you ever felt like on the surface everything is alright but deep down you know there's something wrong? Like a gut feeling? I have felt like this several times. I don't know if it's me or it's true there's something wrong with the other person.
I'm sorry about the way your family treated you. I honestly don't know how to respond to that. Family is indeed complicated. And about your older brother... I don't think it's an excuse to let him treat you like that at all. Do you think the brain damage still affects his behavior or do you think it's just an excuse now? Honestly I don't know how to respond. I'm sorry in advance if I hurt you because I genuinely don't know.
Take care, Stormie. 🥰
@purpleHemlock3913
do not feel bad about your respond many would have said nothing but you made it so i know you was listening that all i really need for years i went without being heard at all it very hard when one feel unheard just make things wost
i believe that my parents enabled my brother made excuses for him i do not believe that the brain injury made it so he did not know right from wrong he did loss hearing some in one ear but that only thing i believe did not heal looking up what it say about children brains after a brain injury they say that it heals were in adults it does not if he did not know right from wrong he would not have did things in secret and threaten me if i told he do bad things to ones i loved and my pets a therapist showed me a video with kids who did not know right from wrong they did everything out in open were others could see their actions my brother did not so i believe he know better
the hard part is that my parents never got me fully tested as a kid i was around 42yr and in college when i was fully tested for learning disabilities i have like 5 of them the one testing could not believe how well i did in school and was doing in college but i just worked harder them most people even with it taking me longer to do things see my parents did not even help me but was hard on me with my oldest brother they allowed him to not even try most the time and was happy if he got a D not a E in school but i was expected to get no lower then a B so was my other brother so feel they mostly enabled him so he was lazy due to they expected very little from him
but he marred had kids and worked few jobs over the years both my brothers have had kids with different woman i have not all my kids had same dad even with us both lossing parental rights but my parents even now not really get how bad my health is and how disabled i am
@stormieandpaws
Sorry for the late reply, Stormie. I did read the reply but forgot to write a response. I didn't realize you replied two days ago already.
I'm really sorry about what he did to your pets. It seemed like he was full of hate and he wanted others around him to feel miserable as well. I've met people like that in my life, hurting me for no reason. It's weird but there were times when I internalized what they did and I doubted myself.
I admire despite everything in the past you're still wanting to achieve your dreams. Many give up, but you didn't! You believe you can do it and proving yourself right. I'm so proud of you, Stormie. You did excellent, given everything in the past you're able to carry on and continue your life. It's hard work, real hard work. I don't think many people realize that.
Speaking about health, how are you? I did remember you mentioned electric wheelchair.
Take care, Stormie. Have a nice day! Really sorry for the late response. I thought it's yesterday but it's been two days!
@purpleHemlock3913
please do not worry about when you post back i do same as i not on everyday been taking days off the internet more but i do post back when i come on
the big issue with my oldest brother is i feel and my other brother feel that he wanted to be the only child so seeing both us was born he was abusive to us kinda like he was angry about us even being born he was same with my other brother but sad part is mom will tell stories about things done to either me or other brother even find them funny like before i was born right after my other brother was born this be my oldest brother being around two and my other brother being like newborn she tell story about my oldest brother getting into my other brother like bed and beating him with yard stick telling him to be quiet i not find that funny at all also why would you keep telling that over and over to others even years later other things like that kinda prove that his actions started before he got sick and end up with a brain injury so he was really abusive way before he got hurt when he got sick and end up with brain damage he was around 5yr but the abuse started before that too
i got hurt from a fall few days ago just a bruised and scratched leg the smoke not as bad here right now from the wildfires both in Canada and USA that drifting smoke here making air bad to breath
the mobility scooter i have i only use to like go to stores close to me or when going out alone on city buses some times not even then as at times only use the standup walker i got the scooter due to i wanted to get out more and be safe end-up taking out a loan for it but been worth it even with just being able to take out trash like a bag of it when home aid unable to come but i having to use the standup walker more too i hate it as people stare at you and some even make fun of you when using either one of them due to i look younger then i am it make it even harder
hope you doing well
@stormieandpaws
What your older brother did was not funny at all. Your parents should've prevented him from doing that, not encouraging it. That's evil behavior. I'm sorry you endured it. I can't imagine it. Not having someone protective over those things is just heart-breaking. I think it's a form of betrayal. It's numbing especially when we think we can't escape it. I'm glad you keep your distance from them. I hope you find a form of new family somewhere.
I'm doing alright. I struggle from memory loss but I'm getting better. It's a blessing in a way that I don't really remember painful past but I have difficulty remembering new things... Cooking has been helpful to strengthen my memory but it's still a progress. I've been loving cooking Indian food they're different and new to me. Stormie, do you have a favorite dish to cook?
@purpleHemlock3913
it was a form of betrayal to both my other brother and me he same as me not have much to do with our family he moved on has a family of his own he one just lost his wife so your right about it being a betrayal in many ways but both parents was abusive to us too so it like grieving the family i should have had due to one i have not really a family in my eyes yes i love each of them a lot even if they abused me but i hate how they acted and talked in hurtful ways too
my memory the short term bad but the long term seem to be better but been told that the long term is due to trauma stored in a different part of the brain then other memories but i have from the abuse chronic traumatic brain injury too it due to head being hit and also being knocked out many times i had a lot of near deaths too
i like many foods and cook many too but i thinking would be the cheese cake one and many of my own made up recipes i like last night made a salad with pasta , the small shrimps and used ranch dressing and salad dressing added peas to it too it good kinda like pasta tuna salad
i over the years have either made up recipes or changed them at times i blessed to be able to use what ever i have in apartment as far as food to use do you know many things have like a substitute for them off hand like eggs one can replace with applesauce also to make like when call for buttermilk one can use normal milk with vinegar added to it when one not have buttermilk on hand use to have a list of all them but not sure where it is but can look up online
sorry you have memory issues too lol i can not remember what i eat today but can remember way back in my life
@stormieandpaws
I'm sorry about your other brother. May he find healing.
I think our memories are highly intertwined with our emotions. It can be a gift for sure but have you ever felt like it's the sad memories that are more intense and repeated than happy ones. I don't know. I wish I could do something about it because some things can replay in my head constantly in the background.
I don't know about eggs being replaced with applesauce, but I do know about the buttermilk trick! I add vinegar to my bread, I think it softens the bread. I like soft and fluffy bread. I usually just put butter and sugar but when I'm feeling fancy I make toffee sauce and coffee sauce instant coffee. Yes about what food I have today I also have difficulty remembering but I do remember it much when I make something new and delicious.
Take care. 🥰
@purpleHemlock3913
sorry i taking long to post back to you i was not on all weekend do that a lot also not come on everyday so yep it can be like days before i come on
sad or trauma memories we do remember more due to they stored in a different part of the brain i read some on it and make a lot of since too
if you want to read more about this for better understanding this link a good one
i think that also why a lot of us do not remember them for long time then start having flashbacks when they get triggered i know i for long time did not have many memories under the age of 12yr then at around 28yr old they got triggered think due to my girls being ages i got hurt bad at or it started at and being pg with a boy as well it was around that time the memories flashbacks started also when i became more aware of the others inside it got worst and worst i started self harming again too lack of help and being in abuse from hubby i believe lead to losing my parental rights partly too
after got treatment real help things have got better emotionally and mentally also meds have helped and learning better coping skills
i love to cook when able to cook there times i just can not do it then can end up eating bad stuff that junk but better then nothing right
yes when try new recipe i seem to remember what i eater too
@stormieandpaws
Thank you for the link. I will read it later.
I have just discovered this website https://www.tasteatlas.com/map. It's complete with recipes and lists of restaurants serving the dish.
@purpleHemlock3913
your very welcome i seen one you posted link to and yes a great site you might want to check this place out too healthy dinners in 40 min or less
not remember what ones i made in past in summer it harder to cook so that when i not cook as much soon will be fall and well can cook more
hope you doing well i am doing somewhat better am kinda wear out tonight due to a buzy few hours doing some more food shopping and other shopping got a few things to paint at hobby lobby as they was on sale more fall like stuff
@stormieandpaws
nice! Thank you for the link. I've been recooking some recipes from books that I have. I bought them years ago but never even read them, but that's no more! I cooked rogan josh today. It's Indian food. It's a nice change in flavor. I think I put too much onion.
It's a bad habit that I never look at the measurement, only the ingredients. I add them as I like, haha. I find that some spices in Indian and Chinese food overlap. Cinnamon is the most common, followed by cloves and fennel seeds. Have you tried Indian or Chinese food? My all-time favorite Indian food is lamb biryani. Chinese food, I enjoy Peking duck. It's crispy and sweet. It's basically the best but I only enjoy it once in a while because too much I think I'll get tired of it!
How are you? I'm doing alright. I've been coloring the coloring books that I've bought. I bought my set of colored pencils more than ten years ago. It's cheap but they're still good! I'm surprised! I just need to sharpen them, and they're good to go. I bought them for under $20, a set of 48 colored pencils.
@purpleHemlock3913
i have tried Chinese food i think i like peanut sauce on chicken the best and i have made that before it not hard but in the peanut sauce i not use the fish stuff as it costly and only in big bottle so i just leave that out and it still taste the same it can also be used over rice noodles
in cooking it not matter if you not put exacted amount that in recipe of stuff but matters in baking a lot lol trust me i know all to well about that lol
Peanut Sauce
ingredients
2 cloves garlic (minced)
1 1/2 teaspoons ginger (minced or grated)
1/3 cup peanut butter (creamy or chunky are both fine; 1/3 cup = 80g)
2 teaspoons soy sauce
2 teaspoons fish sauce (omit to make this vegan or substitute with vegan fish sauce)
1/2 teaspoon toasted sesame oil (or to taste)
2-3 tablespoons hot water (to your desired consistency)
Optional Add-ins
1 tablespoon lime juice
1 teaspoon chili oil
1-2 tablespoons Sriracha
Instructions
Add all of the ingredients into a small bowl. Add the hot water, and stir to combine until you have a smooth sauce. Alternatively, you can make this in a food processor for a smoother texture.
i leave out the fish sauce as it costly and in big bottle most the time and you only use very little
this is good on many things can be used as a dip too
i am doing soso a lot going on within my mind and just dealing with emotions related to that and other things
@stormieandpaws
do you want to talk about it? I admit I haven't read anything until you mentioned it. Now I'm reading your poetry, Stars in the night sky. If you want to talk about it I'm in. Are there things triggering these thoughts? I'm not a therapist or anything sorry if the question seems personal. Feel free (or not) if you want to share more as you like.
Healing is a difficult work and takes much energy. No, you didn't deserve abuse at all. I think there's something shameful when we're abused. At least I felt like a sense of shame for no reason. Ashamed of being weak and taken advantage of. And then anger followed. It's usually like this for me when I have flashbacks. I freeze and detach unconsciously then feeling the shame and anger afterwards. I usually distract myself with work and to-do list but the flashbacks often take so much energy out of me. They come without warning and I don't think there are triggers for me but they just come and go... Annoying. They seem so real and vivid like it's happening now but it's years ago. Funny how our mind works.
Anyway a long rant I'm just trying to relate. If you want to talk about food I use it to distract, as you can see. I want to reply about food but maybe later when I feel it's okay for you. Take care. 🥰
@purpleHemlock3913
thanks a therapist told me everyone triggered into flashbacks but many times we each not know what triggered us like i have some odd triggers and no one can like know them unless i tell them but my view on triggers is they tell us what one needs to still work on in healing work so i not view them as bad anymore just well a learning of what needs more healing work on if that makes sense
for a very long time the color red triggered me i no longer a issue due to i started small with a piece of cloth then something bigger like a small pillow over time i worked into being able to even be in a room painted red but yes even that was hard healing work even some music from when i was young was a trigger due to it being played when i was abused sometimes it even just a smell that a trigger like for long time wet pine needles triggered me but that no more either
think the big issue right now everything that happened first part of the year with one brother getting murdered and other brother wife passing few days later then family not even letting me know when their services were and family not even asking how i was feeling even comments about that i hated the one brother so it like they not believe me about the abuse in childhood but also i know it true as mom and dad only to me admitted they know about what brother was doing to me and also they admitted some of their own actions that were abusive but they not see them as being so yep my family not really care about me at all other then parents
then some family members have made comments about both me hating my brother and about i should be one taking care of my parents now but i not going to go back be in abuse again so it just making me feel hurt and angry about a lot then my health getting worst too adds to this all
food both a issue and a love as far as recipes but the eating disorder plays a role and the health stuff
@stormieandpaws
family is indeed complicated. Some people can easily say that it's our responsibility to take care of our aging parents but I think they need the full picture of what's happening or had happened. What you've endured is really difficult and I won't judge you for hesitating to go back.
@purpleHemlock3913
i never go back not sure what you believe spiritually but there like a dark unseem cloud over that city i know why partly what crazy is after i moved away my depression got way better i also felt lighter but it like the city and around the city has a dark force most would not believe me but even my cat seems calmer after moving and i can not fully explain it
so moving not only away from abusive family but also away from the dark force in and around the city it like after moving i was free from both most would not get this also their was a dark feeling there too
i love my parents but not like what they did to me and them not keeping me safe from the others i kinda in a very mixed mood tonight after calling checking on parents as dad had a fall outside he say he ok but it hard to know he did not go to ER so it kinda scary due to that he will not slow down is the big issue he see things that he thinks need to be done he try to do them it sad other family members not helping parents but i can not my health bad they really clueless to how bad health is even when i try to tell them
hope you doing well
@stormieandpaws
Hi, Stormie. I'm alright. I tried some recipes on the link you gave me. I love the sweet and tangy chicken burgers. I'm surprised. I thought I would hate it but I enjoyed it. I don't use the pomegranate molasses and use beef bullion on the chicken (yep). I enjoyed it!
Ah. I get it with that repressive feeling. I've been in places where I feel hopeless for no reason, like it's not safe and I'm not familiar with it. There are times where some people make me unsafe for no reason. I try to fight it if I feel like I'm in a safe environment.
About spirituality, I'm not sure. I was raised quite religious but nothing strict. Often I feel lost. I feel like there's too much madness, like nothing goes right. Oh, wait. Honestly, I'm feeling the dark cloud you're talking about. I feel hopeless like there's no future for me. I see people around me making questionable decisions and communities I thought I could trust are packed with morally bankrupt people. I'm talking about fraudsters, people who abuse their position, lots of coverup and enabling. Like for instance my professor tried to cheat on his wife with me. Like. He's older than my father. I'm truly disgusted. And people in position that are supposed to hold him accountable were silent. That's only one thing. There are many things that honestly had happened and I'm still trying to process it.
What you've done, checking on your parents, is very kind. That takes so much strength to continue contacting them and be loving towards them.
Take care, Stormie.
@purpleHemlock3913
glad you enjoyed the recipes making new things is always good to do but few do it due to fears they not like the food but for me that like exciting to see of i like the new way of fixing the food i have
see i was put down for having strong faith by my dad and others they see it as being weak but also i think more on this as following Jesus Christ as in what He did when He was living on earth as He was not about rules but about love and helping others not putting others down for their actions but just being their for them yes i believe in the bible but also in treating all with love not hate and rules
yes many times the black needs can be around us due to how others have taught us or lack of teaching us too but i not use that as a excuse for why i acted why i do now but i know healing work must be done also we have to challenge them through that were tuaght to us that not truth to better self should be top goal in life not to make excuses why we can not better self
so part of why i stay in contact with my parents is my spiritual beliefs that love should over rule all other things as long as it safe for you
seems like you trying hard to do same yes i get the feeling of being unsafe when you be with safe things or people i still deal with that at time and try to just be not judge everything very hard but yes it hard at times not to do that as fear come into it
@stormieandpaws
1 John 4:11-12 (ESV) Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
Romans 13:8 (ESV) Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
Healing must take place, I agree. If not, we will still operate in hurt. Easier said than done.
Take care. 🥰
@purpleHemlock3913
agree with you love must rule in our life why i forgave them who hurt me most not know this but when my main abuser and his wife needed some food i sent with my mom food as even within the pain of my oldest brother abusing me for many years i still loved him as love does not depend on another actions it due to God created him just like He created me why i can say i hated my brother actions had to move to be safe from his actions but i still love him
many not get why i still talk to family members who hurt me over and over in very bad ways but like i said love and grace must rule us who belong to God as for on lookers they can see our love and many will ask why then one can open a door and explain about how God loves each of us and opened a Door that be Jesus Christ
@stormieandpaws
honestly I'm not at that level yet. I still think it's giving pearls to swine situation, or how can you discern? How can you know it's really the right thing to do? I can't imagine it as something joyful to be done.
Give, and it shall be given to you. Luke 6:38 (ESV) give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you. I have yet to see this verse come to fruition in my life. Have you found healing while forgiving and reconciling? I didn't get it. At least I know they're proverbial pigs.
@purpleHemlock3913
see many think of acted of forgiveness is for the one who hurt you but one can forgive another without the person even knowing you forgave them this for many the hardest lesson for when you forgive another person who did wrong to you it a acted of faith but also acted of freeing you were you will remember what the other person did but no longer hold onto the bitterness and hate towards them this also for us who have a state of unforgiveness at self too
think of it more like when you forgive another or even self you taking what happened even abuse handing it over to God for Him to deal with what happened and the person who hurt you so my belief is that one who acts in forgiving others actions is just handing it over to God that to me freeing my self not the other person
not sure that make sense to you
i for first time in months was able to go to church i needed that so much God made away for my health not to keep me from going to church today what a big blessing that be
hope you doing well
@purpleHemlock3913
see many think of acted of forgiveness is for the one who hurt you but one can forgive another without the person even knowing you forgave them this for many the hardest lesson for when you forgive another person who did wrong to you it a acted of faith but also acted of freeing you were you will remember what the other person did but no longer hold onto the bitterness and hate towards them this also for us who have a state of unforgiveness at self too
think of it more like when you forgive another or even self you taking what happened even abuse handing it over to God for Him to deal with what happened and the person who hurt you so my belief is that one who acts in forgiving others actions is just handing it over to God that to me freeing my self not the other person
not sure that make sense to you
i for first time in months was able to go to church i needed that so much God made away for my health not to keep me from going to church today what a big blessing that be
hope you doing well
@stormieandpaws
so glad you find a church you feel safe with. A good community can heal us. 🥰
I don't know. Forgiving does require faith because you expect something good to happen. It means we put the pain behind and move forward. Do you feel like a part of you die when you forgive? I do. It doesn't feel good, but I know I must do it to continue living my life. I also felt a lot of shame during the earlier period when I decided to forgive. It felt like it came out of nowhere. I feel ashamed for being weak. It's almost like being human is shameful. I feel like I'm inadequate. Do you feel like that too?
I'm alright. I hope you're alright. 🥰
@purpleHemlock3913
see to me forgiving is a acted of faith and is on going i do not expected anything good to happen also ones i have forgiven i do not tell them i have forgiven them unless they ask for forgiveness' as i had a few do that though out my life too so i did not feel like apart of me died truth is i felt like a part of me became alive again i let go of the expecting the other person to admitted they did wrong to me yes i still have the memories to deal with at times too but again for me it a on going acted not a one time one if that makes since to you
i think after i hand all it over to God i felt less shame due to i know that it was not mine to carry at all being weak is not bad to me as all humans are weak at times i not sure your faith beliefs but for me when i weak it Christ within that make me stronger so it to me was admitting my needs to have a higher power to be able to forgive the wrong others did to me but also to help with the regrets and the hurt i did to others too
i think the more i see my own flaws and short coming the more i can forgive others for their harm to me but this just how i feel not all feel that same get that to
after i moved it was hard to find a church who accepted me as i am many not really do they think mental illnesses are from demons within and well not very loving and caring for ones with mental health issues before i moved i had one church that did i glad i found one here that accept me and others with mental health issues as that helps me a lot
@stormieandpaws
I see. I'm happy you find healing while forgiving. I experience it but not too much. Maybe it needs time. I know I have to cut the loses.
I'm sorry you experienced some church hurt in your healing journey. I'm glad you find a church that accepts you. It takes a while to find one, isn't it?
Sorry for the short and delayed response. I have many things on my mind, and I'm just trying to get by. I'm touched you put some time to write me a response. That alone means so much already. I want you to know that 😊
I've been obsessed with Cajun seasoning. I don't know it just makes things better. I think it's perfect for me for someone who doesn't really enjoy spicy foods.
How are you, Stormie?
@purpleHemlock3913
it ok if you not post much back to me that never a problem with me at all Cajun seasoning can be good for ones not like much as far as spicy i use it a little at a time as it also has health benefits too many spices do you might be interested in reading this about some of the ones that have health benefits and most not hard to find also not hard to add into what you eat lol at times i seem to live on ginger as with my stomach issues it can be a big help here a link that tell about some of them
https://www.health.com/best-herbs-for-everyday-health-11993017
i doing so so health last 2 weeks been little better was able to go to church yesterday' that was great as i really need the social interaction and well the group worship a big help to me so was good to just go i used my walker and am so glad the church bus has a lift on it as that helpful to many too
i not sure how i feeling in some ways this morning i got up and unlocked the door for home aid but fell back to sleep she came in and did dishes and waited until i woke up again she was here about a hour before i woke up again she said she let me sleep due to she was not sure if i was feeling ok i glad she feel ok coming in if i not answer door like i normally do she so nice and thoughtful i hoping she does not move downstate but that still kinda up in the air too as her and her wife might have to do that to take care of her wife mom so i do understand but still not want to lose her as she good home aid i had many that not been and at times went years without one too that was very hard on me as i had to find other ways to get things done
hope you doing ok understand having a lot on your mind too
@stormieandpaws
thank you for the article. I've read it briefly. It's interesting how herbs can have these qualities!
I'm glad you're able to attend church now. What's your favorite hymn? Mine is the Old Rugged Cross. Your home aid is a blessing in disguise! That's almost rare to find a trustworthy helper.
@purpleHemlock3913
It is Well – Horatio Spafford, written in the Atlantic Ocean
the story behind this some is amazing
can fully be found here
https://hymncharts.com/the-story-behind-it-is-well-with-my-soul/
this is only small part of the story but is amazing too]
this only part that told on that website
(
The SS Ville du Havre had collided with another vessel in the middle of the Atlantic and sank in just twelve minutes. Of the 313 souls aboard, only 87 survived. Among the 226 dead were four little girls who had kissed their father goodbye in New York just seven days earlier.
How does a father’s heart survive such devastation? How does faith endure when sorrows literally come like sea billows, rolling over and over until you can’t breathe?
For Horatio Spafford, the answer would come not in the immediacy of grief, but in the slow, mysterious work of grace. And when it came, it would pour out in words that have comforted millions: “It is well with my soul.”)
why i love this one is even in pain and grieving he said it is well with his soul i to was able as a child in pain hurt and abuse as i listened and sang this hymn that it was well with my soul due to i know was a God who was holding me even crying for me His love is all i needed
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