Becoming a pwBorderlibe
TW: discussion of suicidal ideation
It can be hard to even comprehend what flesh and blood can do to the ones they love so much. They can love them to their death or love them till all they want is death. It’s sick . It paralyzes us. Taking away our self love and confidence. Our dignity and instinct for self preservation . Our ability to laugh a real laugh or smile a real smile. They not only take away who we are and all we could have been. They give us a thirst for a love we feel unworthy to accept. We thirst for the pain to end and more than anything else, we pray that it will end. They took away anything good we felt if it meant making them feel better. It was all at our expense. Then they have the nerve to think that we owe them !! Sometimes all of this is before we could walk or talk. Before we could become an individual who may have been gifted and talented. They start us off afraid snd nervous and full of self doubt. We are now at an empty place we must try to fit in. We create what we know is fake. We try to adapt. We look alive to others but we have long been dead. My death was at age 3. I then made myself be whoever I needed to be. Even a wife and mother. A sister or daughter. A friend. It’s all smoke and mirrors but this is no game. They entered my dreams and made them terrifying nightmares. It cuts deep but I want it to cut much deeper. I crave to feel something even if all I feel is pain. How can I heal when nothing is real? I’m just an empty shell. That is why I need to go. They found out the truth. They know now that I am nothing. So why do I wait? When I know this is my fate!! Please set me free!! They even stole my virginity. There is nothing left for me to give but that doesn’t stop them!! They are still taking and taking. “But that’s my last breath and the beat my heart struggles to beat !” Just take that too I plead. I would will it to stop if I had the ability. Please God please set me free!! There is no place on this earth that I want to be!! And now nobody wants what’s left of me!! Not till I’m hanging from tree and the fake tears are not even for me!!! They tried to drain me more but I no longer would bleed. Take and take till I don’t even breathe. This world will never miss me because there never was a me. I I was only what I allowed you to see. I was only who u needed me to be. Now finally the pain is gone!!! Finally!! Oh, finally I’m free!!!
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
@kindTurtle3738.. ....I hear everything you posted here and I've said alot of those same things myself including the feeling empty, numb and wishing/praying I could feel something- anything. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry. Please reach out for help I'm worried about your safety. Try to connect with a listener here there's so many good ppl who care here. I care. In a way your post is spot on. Ppl like us understand it. I'm praying for your safety.💜 ABB
It’s bitter sweet to read how you connect to this pain. I’m sorry you feel so much of it too. I’m doing my best a day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. 7 cups has definitely made it easier!! And people like you !! :)
I feel so similar every other line you've written hits it hits and hits but you got to stay strong whatever it is cause that's what I say to myself in the mirror we got to stand there and look at the sun right in the eye even if it burns. I just hope it gets better for you I really do. And it will. So much love. Take care
I have found little things that help me throughout the days. Many days it’s like going through the motions. Thank you for your advice and kindness!!
@kindTurtle3738 Thank you for sharing. This is also a wonderful reminder that we are human beings with emotions and feelings and dignity. We are much more then a seller's option (SO) in the stock market.
@peacefulIris56
very true. It can feel that way at times. I'm glad you connected to what I wrote because it's hard to express how this feels. It's part of who we are and how we respond to life. Even how life responds to us. ❤️
@kindTurtle3738
But your such a gifted writter you have such a way with words, each was felt and heard
Blessings and strength that you latch onto your writting and help the world learn to communicate so eliqintly like you do. I love to write poems and raps and all my words came from out of the dark 🎉 Shine On!!!
Blessings, Day
@kindTurtle3738
this is a beautifully agonizing piece to read. I can see myself in those lines, and it's very painful. I've been changing who I am to fit people's expectations and standards since forever. I don't even know who *I* am. When everyone around me started to form an idea of who they were, I was still struggling to understand what the the term "I" meant. My bpd latched onto me and made me a pool of nothing but strong intense emotions that slowly took over my very being. I'm in constant pain. And I don't know how to turn things around before it's too late. Thank you so much for sharing this. It makes me feel less alone, I genuinely appreciate this. You're a great writer! I genuis hope it gets bettter, I know it's a corny thing to say especially cause it's never easy with borderline, but you're not alone. We all share similar struggles, and we all deserve better. :) Hope you're having a great day/night!
@ve3ciel
genuinely* i hate typos
I’m usually the same way with typos. It bothers me till I fix it, if I don’t. My son says how dark my writings are. I hated to agree but I guess they are. When I wrote this, it wasn’t entirely about me but most of it is. The rest is from seeing how other pwbpd cope(or try their best to cope). I’m sorry you suffer with it too because it’s terrible. The cost can be really high. I wrote about what it cost me last year. I’ve been thinking about posting it here also. It felt nice that others connected with what I wrote because it’s hard to let others see the closest I know to describe myself. We are definitely not alone though. You stay strong!! ❤️
@kindTurtle3738
I can see why your son would say that haha. It’s definitely not easy to put a piece of your soul out there for others to see. It takes a lot of courage to be able to share this with complete strangers, you’re really brave, it’s admirable! thank you so much, I hope you have a wonderful day/night ahead! Stay strong and take care! :D <3
Tonite i will see how strong I am. Sometimes it’s not always fixable. Sometimes nobody cares. Not enough to even give me a hug or a quick hello. I’m empty life’s empty. I’m pissed off too now. I did have something to offer but not anymore
F f f f
@kindTurtle3738
This is some amazing writing. 
You've really captured the chronology and expressed the feelings at every single step. Just going to try to put the things you've shared into an outline in my own words.
***
Family members have a really powerful influence, for better or for worse. When for worse, they do things like the following:
- They view you as nothing but a source for their own happiness
- They behave in ways that have the effect of destroying all that's good in you, for the sake of preserving or elevating themselves
- Even after they've destroyed everything, they still feel like they're owed more, as if you haven't sacrificed enough
Some effects of being exposed to this kind of treatment:
- Losing the ability to like yourself or feel a sense of self-worth or dignity
- Losing the ability to feel confident in yourself and your abilities
- Losing the ability to feel safe
- Losing the ability to feel joy or happiness
- Feeling a deep thirst for love (because of having never received it)
- Feeling distrustful of people who offer love (because everyone who previously claimed to offer love proved to be untrustworthy)
- Feeling unworthy of receiving love (because of having previously been treated as if you were unworthy of love)
- Losing all of the potential experiences, opportunities, and developments that maybe could have been if life were more "normal"
- Feeling as though everything is so deeply messed up that there's simply a wish for it all to end
The social consequences of this:
- One's basic or core self (everything described above) feels like a black hole
- One learns at some point that being this self around other people isn't okay because it leads to either being hurt or hurting others
- So it's necessary to create something more normal-looking or more socially well-adjusted
- So you become all kinds of roles (e.g. wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend) based on what you believe other people are looking for
- But these roles and relationships feel fake, dishonest, or fraudulent because they aren't connected to that core self
- Whatever warmth/kindness/praise is received through these roles feels like it's unreal because it's directed toward a fake self
- The core self isn't connected to the outside world so it continues to feel just as lonely, empty, neglected, and bitter
- This core self can't be hidden or buried forever though; when it does erupt, it's frightening, destabilizing, and inconvenient
There's an understandable feeling of hopelessness from this picture:
- Core self (empty shell/black hole) = dissatisfying
- Fake self (roles) = dissatisfying
***
(I feel a bit guilty at the thought of leaving this hopelessness unchallenged, and I feel tempted to want to try to find all kinds of complications, extensions, exceptions, details, etc. that disrupt this picture and establish the possibility of hope/optimism. But I also want to respect/honor the original picture and not add anything extra or immediately try to destroy it just because I find it threatening/uncomfortable, lol.)
Wow:)…. The way you outlined that really helped it make sense to me. I didn’t write it with borderline in mind. I heard the phrase what flesh and blood does to ones closest to them and it stayed on my mind. Then a couple days later I wrote that. It was much later before I read it and thought how much it sounded like bpd. But I guess that’s because I am pw bpd so I guess it would sound that way… I didn’t really see it that way but looking at how you explained it , a light went on in my head:) lol.
@QuietMagic... Omg I just read this perfect description of the chronological steps of my life growing up under the violent abusive BPD of my father. I relate to every single part of this post. Incredible! ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
I'm sorry that it fit so well (
) but happy that it felt relatable.
@QuietMagic...that's ok it's just nice to see in writing by another person and it's so validating for me and why I am the way I am. I am fairly successful despite my challenges but seeing that perfect list made me feel better in some way. Thx so much! 💜ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Yeah, it feels really amazing just to be seen and like, "Oh wow, someone else actually gets it. I'm not the only person whose mind is doing this." 
This I can relate too. Everything I do is never enough. The pain is so deep and new people don't get it. They want to mold me and make me better by harsh words and harsh realities. They don't get I am a survivor who has endured so much but yet I have to keep going because I have children who needs to be strong for them, even tho they will probably end up hating me just like everyone else so what's the point?@? Thanks for this now I know I am not alone
I raised my sons alone and it was a struggle but I created who I needed to be. I needed patience and I didn’t want to feel the anger like I would feel. I was able to do that and I loved them. They have never doubted that love. We feel our emotions intensely and those include the good ones. So maybe focus on those and i hope it helps you like it helped me. Your children do and will continue to love you .
