Borderline?

hey all. I’m writing because I wanna take this year to work on my mental health. I don’t have the money to go to a professional. I’ve been keeping track of my symptoms and am coming to this community for help. I don’t want to just self-diagnose, so I’m coming to you guys to get your input on whether you think this sounds like bpd/ this resonates with you so I have a better idea of what I’m dealing with in my mental health. This has developed a lot in the past year btw.

- rash decisions with relationships/ wanting to cut off: for example if my boyfriend does something to hurt my feelings i will feel the burning need to cut myself off emotionally and spiral into breaking up with him, even when it wasn’t a big deal at all. i usually don’t share this with him, i don’t threaten to break up with him, but i still feel that way all the time even though i love him. It feels like I’m splitting in half because I just go back and forth from thinking how much I love him to then wanting to break up with him with every fiber of my being.

-intense anger: this pairs with the last one. when someone does something i feel is wrong by me, i can easily get extremely angry. the anger carries me away into wanting to make the rash decisions i just mentioned. it’s almost always a severe overreaction. the person i’m angry at often doesn’t know. i dont tell them or get into it, i don’t get into screaming matches or fistfights or anything, but the anger is overwhelming to me.

- stunted emotionally: i have a really hard time sharing emotions and things like that. people around me calls a robot. i’m physically incapable of saying ‘i love you’. things like that. I am also able to get over traumatic experiences easily. When my parents got divorced, I completely got over it emotionally in less than a day. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it never did. similar to above.

- substance reliance/self harm: not super bad, but i occasionally do use things like nicotine and weed, or self harm, to cope when things get overwhelming

- antisocial: i usually can only handle two close relationships at a time. once that spot is taken by a new person, i tend to lose a relationship i’ve previously had just by growing apart. i do have good relationships though. the two i currently have, i’ve had for 2 and 7 years. otherwise i just keep to myself. i have people i talk to occasionally, but i’m not friends with anyone except those two. when i do lose a close relationship, i honestly don’t think i care as much as i should. i am easily able to get over it without thinking too much

- unstable images of people: i can go from thinking i’m going to have a relationship (friendship or otherwise) with a certain person for forever, that they’re meant for me, to thinking if i never talked to them again id be perfectly fine. a lot of times it changes for absolutely no reason, and quite often.

- depression symptoms: self explanatory. not sure if it’s relevant. it comes in waves

- rash life decisions: i don’t know if they’re really rash life decisions, but sometimes i do things like cut/dye my hair, or decide to graduate a year earlier, or make life altering changes that aren’t necessarily reckless but i make them without more than a days thought.

- intense mood swings: this is the big one. it might be because of my age, but it really feels bigger than that, it affects my life on a daily basis. it developed a lot this past year. i can go from feelings of being on top of the world, to crying on the bus depressed, to feeling absolutely nothing in a matter of hours, and back again. usually i don’t stay in one ‘mode’ for more than two days. it does affect my relationships.