Borderlines Engineer the Ending of the Very Relationships They Covet
Having lost not one, but two, of my most meaningful human connections this past year as a result of my illness and two more the year prior, it occurred to me just how important this issue is in terms of the relationships we love and lose at the hands of the Borderline temperament. I would like to use this space to expand and explore this highly complex issue, and hopefully bring some insight and resolution to myself and others.
One of the hallmarks of BPD is an intensely real or imagined fear of abandonment. This trait often stands in our way of understanding relationships in a healthy manner through the frantic efforts utilized to avoid this great sense of loss. For me, I believe this happens for two reasons. One, I am emotionally passionate and driven. This fire sometimes flares at the wrong time, or in an inappropriate manner that can come across as belittling, narcissistic even. Learning the art of Active Listening has helped me in this regard, as I have a proclivity to be terribly self-involved at the sake of others. I also have an askew sense of autonomy that is a distortion of the way I perceive protection from things like this. It is a distortion because in reality, I do crave and want these human connections while claiming self-sufficiency. Therein lies the paradox.
In truth, I have little trouble being alone physically and even prefer it. This is uncharacteristic of BPD. But the suffering comes from the severance of relationships once held, not a lack of ability to build new ones. As a result I tend to fold deeper into myself and recluse even further in order to avoid future happenings. This intensity often drives away friends and family members which makes me feel even more ostracized, confused, and inadequate. I can admit I did not understand these fears of abandonment, or even insecurity, until recently. These were people I very well assumed would love me forever. I took them for granted.
"Core-damaged people are prone to developing personality disorder traits, as early trauma has undermined trust in Self and others. This usually drives a powerful need for self-reliance in the Narcissist, but too much autonomy can feel isolating and lonely. He could feel imprisoned by his need to avoid the engulfment (or loss of Self) he felt with his overbearing mother in childhood, and maintains his romantic relationships at arms length, to avert the stifling abdication of his hard-won selfhood. The Borderline craves love, but cannot trust it. BPD loving is inextricably entwined with loss--so closeness prompts deeply-held anxiety that devastating abandonment pain will surely follow.
Both Borderlines and Narcissists consistently attempt to balance their needs for attachment, with their inherent dread of it--which of course, makes for highly conflictual relationship dynamics. While each feels a powerful need to bond, each is profoundly frightened of the ramifications of that choice."
This has been devastatingly heartbreaking for me. But it has also brought up some really important questions within myself that include self responsibility and personal growth. What can I learn from this? How can I heal from this? How do I learn to be okay on my own? How do I learn to sit with myself without a proverbial mirror or distraction? How do I convince myself this will not kill me, even though I am certain it will?
Moving on now, the above exploration pertained mostly to friendship. How then does this translate in terms of romance? What about those relationships that fall somewhere in the middle and grow even more complex as a result?
"Loss of relationship means loss of stimulation to a person with attention deficit issues or borderline personality features. The loneliness or aloneness they experience can be overwhelming, when there's nobody there to distract from it. Their frantic search for a mate is frequently driven by a dire need to escape their own inner quiet, and feelings of nothingness that accompany it. Hence, their desperate pursuit of a relationship, is largely a defense against a lack of excitement and stimulation--whether that produces pleasurable or painful sensations of aliveness! This has one feeling like even destructive or under-satisfying relationships, are far better than none at all."
In my pondering I realized that I most certainly am not alone in feeling this way. This is not an isolated incident. I know each and every one of you understand some or all of what I am saying, and have felt the drastic effects of Borderline Personality Disorder on your personal and professional relationships
"The Borderline constantly wrestles with their need for closeness and the fear of loss (or emotional annihilation). This inner turmoil catalyzes tremendous ambivalence, because they're literally terrified of what they want (and need) the most! Their inability to feel self-contained for longer than brief episodes, triggers their desire to seek containment (safety/soothing) that's furnished by others--but as this is achieved, abandonment fears are reactivated, and the vicious cycle that typifies BPD (come-here/go-away) is repeated."
Please share your thoughts below.
Visit the Source- Too Close for Comfort: The Neurology of Love and Loss in Borderline Personalities By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
Relationships are extremely complicated for me. Oftentimes, I wonder why they are so complicated. Everyone else has friends, and don't worry about losing them all the time. I fear abandonment, but this fear drives me to isolate myself, for fear that I'll "annoy" or "drive-away" the other person with my presence. I push people away, because I'm scared of losing them. Something of a self-fulfilling prophecy when they actually do leave.
I have lost a few friends due to my illness. One I lost after my second suicide attempt, when honestly, I probably needed the most support. The other was my best friend, who just decided one day to cut all ties with me. Apart from those two, I've lost a few others in the three past years.
I honestly think I'm a bother to people. I especially felt this way in my last semester of college. I just stopped talking. I was going to be leaving, and I didn't want to lose everyone. It wasn't good for me to keep quiet... I got into some trouble that might have been avoided otherwise. But saying goodbye is hard for me, so it was almost like I was trying to sever any emotional attachments I had. It was an exercise in futility though, and a potentially dangerous one at that.
All this to say, I don't know how to keep healthy relationships. I'm either too distant, or too close. Always either extreme, never a healthy balance. All of it driven by this underlying fear that I'll have no one to count on or support me through my struggles. But I can't expect anyone to be strong enough to be there for me. Sometimes, it's just too trying for them, and they leave. It's heartbreaking, but at the same time, I think of them as worthless people who were never really there for me.
There's a lot of emotional turmoil for me when it comes to relationships. Am I too needy? Am I too distant? Do they care? Do they hate me? It's caused me so many problems, I've considered everything from cutting all ties with everyone to... more desperate measures. Because of all these issues I have, I tend to actively avoid romantic relationships, even though the opportunity arises very rarely.
@RavenousSoul
Thank you for your bulging heart. You brought up some really good points here. I, for one, can identify with isolation as I am quite used to it. I find the statement "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" to be utterly false. Despite this, however, these individuals have taught me important things about myself and the dynamic of loss. In particular when the loss is large by comparison to previous fall-outs. I would not go so far as to consider those individuals useless however. I say this because some friendships are designed to function as a season. They arrive, blossom, and leave before the snow falls- and that's okay. The trials of life can always be held accountable for pulling your true friendships from the woodwork. I planned on the kind of loyalty that survives storm systems, but some relationships are not designed to withhold this pressure.
I dont have friends. I want friends more than anything and I had an amazing friend till 3 months ago but I ruined it. I care about him too much so now he thinks im a weirdo. He told people hes scared of me and he will never talk to me again. He never even said goodbye.
I dont want to bother anyone and Im afraid nobody will like me so its hard for me to try to talk to people but being alone gets to be too much so sometimes ill try. When I do its difficult to not just tell them everything and let them reject me right away so I dont start to like them then have to worry about losing them all the time or thinking im bothering them, or having to lie to them because if they really know me they will leave because nobody wants to be friends with someone like me, or worrying they will find out im lying and hate me for that when i dont mean to hurt anyone I just want a friend, I dont know how to keep a friend.
You can always find a friend here. ♡
This is not the same as having friends...
Please know I understand this. I only mean to stress you are never, ever alone.
except i am always alone. even listeners hate me and they dont understand. They just say stupid things and tell me to be happy, i will make some new friends but they dont understand anything. They just get mad at me because they want to give me bad advice and i wont just be happy and make friends like they told me...
@independentHemlock16
I understand the obnoxious notion that we can somehow "snap out of it". I only meant to suggest that there are a lot of people here who can identify with or even accompany your experience. If this has not been the case, please forgive me. I really just wanted to illustrate how very painful this is, and what we can learn from it.
BUMP
people do not understand what i am going through. some people claim to understand, but the way they treat me and the things they say show me they dont. nobody wants to talk to me or be around me. i have to pretend to be a different person just so someone will talk to me but I have to stop lying to them eventually because i feel guilty and they realize how f***ed up i really am and stop talking to me. that one friend was an important part of my life. he was the only person i didnt lie to that kept talking to me and actually wanted to be my friend. I'm 31 years old and ive only had one friend in my entire life. he hates me now because its too difficult to deal with me. no one else understands how that feels.
*Edited by @blithSun94 for word choice*
@independentHemlock16
I am so sorry you are in this place. I'm afraid it is very familiar for me also. I do believe as we grow older it becomes more and more difficult to make those meaningful connections. Also, I think we simply lose the will or trust to connect with people after sustaining so much hurt. I am so glad you found this thread and were able to provide some voice on the topic. Know that you can always find support here. Relationships are the number one thing affected by mental illness in my opinion. This is especially true with BPD and systems of fear, abandonment, and the desperate attempts to avoid it associated with it. You are not alone. Relationships are hard. 
Bump.
(Possible Trigger Warning) Hello lovely people! I need some guidance, and no I'm not trying to self-diagnose a serious personality disorder but what I'm going through isn't 'normal'. I have cut off my friends because I'm scared that they will eventually do it themselves and when I got super close to one of them I started to have intrusive thoughts about stabbing him. I'm terrified that my mom is going to abandon me for no reason, (other than past threats to), and I can almost never cry unless someone says something against an action I have done or I'm already stressed and something goes wrong. That something doesn't even have to be major, I had a full breakdown the other day because my outside dog got out of his kennel, nothing was even broken, I just didn't latch it back right before I left. He was fine, just laying down on the porch. Anytime something minor like that happens I feel the urge to hurt myself, not in a suicidal way though. It's how I respond to stress and yes I know that isn't normal. Last week my family found out about my self-harm and my mom tried (and succeeded) to make me feel even worse than I already did, well my sister snapped at her and they had a long drawn out argument over it. I can safely say that, that was the worse night of my life. Either I feel way to hard or I am this 'flatline' mood. I just want to know if anyone else experiences stuff like this, so that when I am able to get the help I need I know where to start. Thank you so much if you read this post all the way through ❤️.
@UndertaleEnjoyerAndy
Thank you, Andy.
First, let me just say that you are not your thoughts. I think that's an important message for those of us who experience intrusive disturbing dialogue within our stream of consciousness. At times I have even physically shaken my head to remind myself of this and make them flee. That said, however, I also recognize how distressing intrusive thoughts can be. Do your best to protect your self-esteem from that hit.
I can also relate to what you said about alternating between sensitivity and nothingness. I was formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years ago, so this is a tricky one for me. I don't have all the answers, but I think it helps to know you're not alone when mental health concerns have the potential to steal your power and peace of mind.
I have also struggled with self-harm as a stress response, and it took me years to overcome.
just a few months ago I found this mental illness because I have been searching for years to find out what is wrong with me. The fact that it completely described me is what made me finally feel that since I finally know what is wrong with me I can attempt to take steps to learn how to cope with my problems. So knowing that others have gone through this too and are coping with it helps me to know I'm not alone and maybe one day I will be ok, so thankyou!
I’m so happy to hear you found something that resonates!
“I hate you - Don’t leave me” is an excellent read if you’re looking for more on the subject matter. 🖤
@blxepxndx Hello!
Here is a site completely dedicated to BPD. Don't forget to check our self-help guides too.
Reach out to listeners too, we are here.
Recommended topics to research
DBT psychotherapy
Mindfulness here on 7 cups
Work through your Growth path, it really helps!
@JusticiaPrimalDorogo thank you so much the sites you gave me were very helpful!
