Coping with BPD Outbursts

@esternberg1 I empathize with you. It can be so hard and draining when we have loved ones that are currently dealing with BPD or other mental health issues. I do want to say I commend you and think you are wonderful and strong for loving your fiancé and trying your best to stick by her through all of this. My hat goes off to you. BPD is one of those things that can be worked on if the person wants to work on it and seeks treatment. Even still, that does not excuse the abusive behaviors and lashing out of you. No one deserves that and I am sorry. I truly help she is able to get the support she may need and that you both are able to get past this hurdle. Stay strong!

Dn't knw mch abt prsnlty dsrders bt snds mre like paranoid personality disorder (in cluster A)  - strange ideas as opposed to borderline personality disorder (BPD) in Cluster B - emotional disorders.

It's very very hard. It's almost impossible and I promise you I relate to every single thing you said and I'm at my breaking point as well.

There are several videos on YouTube that help me. Dr romany, Dr snipes, Dr fox, Dr marks as well as the ones by people that have the disorder themselves.

I went down a YouTube rabbit hole about a year ago and the more I learned the more empathetic I become. It doesn't help when she continues to lie she still manipulate and do drugs everyday though and put me through the seven layers of ***

I knew from the beginning something was wrong with her that nobody would want to do the things she does and things she was doing and saying we're not normal

She's been arrested and in jail three times and in rehab for 5 months and we've been together only two and a half years. But that's only part of a 22 plus year addiction in and out of jail in prison

There's finally late at the end of the tunnel because I broke through. I hung in there long enough and she finally started to accept that she had a problem

The best way one of the doctors explained it in the videos was that mood disorders like depression anxiety, you know how it feels not to be depressed or anxious. So there's a clear difference you know when there's a problem

With personality disorders they've been like that their entire lives so they don't know any different. They think that's just how they are and they've learned how to cope. But meanwhile the way they cope is completely different from the rest of the world

One thing to note is that what does not make sense to us in any way shape or form or 100% make sense to them and we are going to be wrong. If there's a choice between two different ways to handle a situation it doesn't matter which one you pick because the other one will be the one they wanted

It stems from childhood so pictures a 5 year old standing in front of you. Only capable of doing adult level damage and trauma infliction

I would say start with learning every single thing you can and I've had a little bit of luck with asking questions instead of telling her what she did and why it's indicative of borderline

For example, fear of abandonment equipping fear of abandonment. So even you not responding to a text message quickly enough, even if it was 2 minutes later but she wanted one minute later

The abandonment and they will go into it just regulation cycle. They're reacting on a motion, often to something that's only known to them

Saw one doctor suggested backtracking. Start with this regulation cycle and work your way back up so you can figure out what triggered it and then talk about it

No expert I am definitely a graduate of YouTube University but it's been my focus for a year now and I am transfixed on the intricacy and the complexity of it

It's a very very sad disorder. They act like they have no remorse or shame but in actuality they have so much more shame that they just don't know how to even face it. That's where the projection and the gaslighting comes in

It can't be their fault it just can't and they will do anything to make it not their fault.

I'm going to put a link up one to get you started and then you can take it from there there's a lot of information and it was extremely helpful for me to understand where it started what she's thinking and how much pain she's in and how exhausting it is for her to basically be in her own mind

She just went from jail to prison and now I have the opportunity for mental health therapy and recovery at the same time and the knowledge and desire that she needs to do both. She's never had those three all together before so there's light at the end of the tunnel

If you want to talk further let me know and I wish you all the best and I completely validate you. This is a no-in situation for you. All the experts and even the people say a relationship with an untreated borderline will fail at some point it just depends on how long the person can hang in there with them

Again it doesn't make sense to us but does to them. What they're doing is they're so convinced that we're going to leave that they basically sabotage the relationship so that we do. Then they can turn around and say see look everybody leaves

And I also read that the longer someone stays in it the more anxiety it brings to the person with borderline. And I found that interesting because it didn't make sense. I was thinking the longer I stay the better she would start to realize and trust me but it's actually just the opposite without treatment

What's happening in their mind is, everybody leaves. End of story. It's not a matter of if but always when. So every day that we stand by there and keep trying to make it work, it just makes the anxiety of the "when" increase for them everyday

I can't even express how much I understand all the pain that you are going through and how much it's helped to understand how much pain they go through because it brings that empathy back. And it helps me to hang in there.

So check this out and let me know what you think

https://youtu.be/fIU9Jro2eUA?si=5JtC4hIUafIAZPI0