Doctor won't diagnose me but I exhibit all the symptoms
Hi there, I've been seeing counsellors and therapists on and off for a couple months. I mentioned BPD to my new therapist but she hasn't officially diagnose me.
I've exhibited symptoms of BPD since my early teens -- self-harming behaviour, intense emotions that I have a hard time controlling (sometimes my anger and frustration would lead me to hit walls and throw temper tantrums; sometimes my sadness would leave me bawling my eyes out and just wanting to die alone in my room), very unstable self image (I see myself as inferior to everyone; I feel like I'm the only person who doesn't have themself "figured out" -- I see other girls around and they look so put together and I feel like half of a person on a good day), VERY unstable relationships (my first bf and I broke up when I was 15 and it sent me into a HUGE depression. I tried to fill the sadness by sleeping aroound and seeing new men. Every relationship with any man, whether serious or casual, has left me compulsively texting them if they "really like me or are just fucking with me", until I annoy them and freak them out to the point of leaving me), fear of abandonemnt and being alone (When these men do leave, I breakdown emotionally: crying uncontrollably, self-harming, suicidal thoughts ---- I also cannot stand being alone, I get so uncomfortable in my own presence. alone with my thoughts for too long I need to spend time with other people or else I get lonely and depressed), and reckless impulsive behaviours (self-mutilation, I started doing cocaine heavily and drinking at age 15 -- blacking out and getting sick every weekend, I slept around with many men unprotected, I did way too many drugs, got into cars with drunk drivers, drove drunk myself... Even when these behaviours were having clear negative effects I couldn't stop them..)
My questions here is NOT for a diagnosis. My question is, having analyzed all the symptoms I described, would you say the chances of me having BPD (as I've suspected for a year now) are good? I'm struggling and no one will diagnose me, I just want to know what's "wrong" with me. Is it okay to self-diagnose if your doctors won't listen to you??? My therapist even gives me DBT worksheets to do, I feel like she has an idea but is reluctant to actually diagnose me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
@artsygirl889 in my opinion i don't find anything wrong with self-diagnosing, especially when you are not able to get a diagnosis (as i am), as long as you don't try to "cure" yourself independently or do anything dangerous. although it might take a while for your therapist to be certain that you have bdp, because they wouldn't want to wrongly diagnose you, after all, the lines between different illnesses and disorders can be very blurry
@artsygirl889
Hey there! It sounds like you definitely exhibit a lot of BPD symptoms. Here on 7cups, we don't encourage self-diagnosis, but I can understand that not having a diagnosis can be frustrating. Have you talked to your counselor or doctor about how you feel you fit the diagnosis? Also, diagnosed or not you are more than welcome in this community. I also want to commend your bravery for being so honest and sharing about your experience. It sounds like you have been through a lot.
For me, personally, getting a diagnosis was helpful because it gave me hope things could get better because if we could name it, we could treat it. Anti-depressants and regular therapy wasn't doing anything for me. I think it's great that your therapist is giving you some DBT stuff. DBT is great whether diagnosed with BPD or not. I've been in DBT since 2012 and it has changed my life. I hope that you're able to find it helpful as well.
If you ever need support my PMs are always open (i may not respond immediately but I try to get back to everyone within about 24-48 hours.
@artsygirl889 It sounds like you feel invalidated and frustrated with your therapist for not diagnosing you. Those emotions are understandable. There are several reasons your therapist might be hesistant to diagnose you. You might not be old enough to recieve a a dx for a personality disorder; you said she is your new therapist so she might want to wait until she knows you better; or any other number of reasons. Have you asked your therapist why she won't diagnose you? I also agree that doing more DBT work might be very helpful whether or not you get your diagnosis. I wish you well!
@artsygirl889
Someone very close to me struggled with this also. He just wanted a diagnosis/explanation for his madness. Best of luck to you!
This same thing is happening to me. The therapist says she strongly belives i have depression, but every time i mention dignosis she says I'm not ready. What is going on!
@weirdoGirl123
how long have you been seeing your therapist? It took my doctors 3 years to diagnose me. The waiting is the worst part. All you want is for your feelings to be validated and to confirm that you arent crazy. I totally understand the 3 years I waited for diagnosis was so hard. If you ever need to talk my inbox is open
I am going through the same thing. My emotions have always been so intense and I feel emotional exhausted most days from the rollercoaster of up and downs. I have been treated for depression and anxiety for years. It has become so intense though. Some days I am so depressed I stay in bed and I don't want to see anyone amd other days I feel like life is going to be okay and I've got this. I'm scheduled to see a thearpist at the end of February. I am hoping for sime clarity then and until I go I'm working hard to learn how to deal and cope with a little more ease.
@artsygirl889 I am 33 and I just FINALLY got diagnosed. I have been actively trying to get some kind of diagnosis for 10 years or more, and I don't see anybody responding to your questions in a way that would have helped me at your age, so I hope my response helps.
First of all, GET A NEW THERAPIST. And keep getting new therapists, until one of them is comfortable with the idea of diagnosing you. It's ok if they have their own rules about that, like if they won't diagnose you until they've had so many sessions or they've been talking to you for 6 months. But I feel where you are coming from, because I have had a therapist literally tell me they thought I had a disorder, but that they wouldn't diagnose me because "you'd give up on the world, knowing that you were disabled." It has been my experience that therapists who won't at least consider diagnosing you when you know in your heart you have an issue, aren't worth your time.
When you find a good therapist, though, you'll need to be open to the idea that they may diagnose you with something else, or may disagree with your self diagnosis. You should listen to them, but don't doubt your experiences. The conversation between a good therapist and a patient should be one between two experts. The therapist is an expert on categories and treatments of mental illness, but YOU are the expert on your own mind.
Also, know that you have options in the meantime. Cultivate your knowledge of yourself; figure out where the feelings come from, what the twisted logic is, discover and learn to avoid as much as possible the things that set off the spiraling intensity. It might also help to seek therapy-oriented treatement, such as DBT, based on your own suspicions (and it can't really hurt). Go to some DBT classes if you can, maybe check out a local support group meeting for people with BPD and see if it still rings true for you.
All of that said, being a teenage girl is very hard! Those girls that look so put together are secretly a mess inside too. Everyone struggles, and while some people struggle more, turning illness into a contest makes all of us losers. Whether you have BPD or not, you can still be a functional adult some day. Keep trying. It may not be much, but a random person on the internet believes in you.
