Feeling detached and manic
I need to be able to get this out somehow. My moods have been unstable and I keep feeling like I need to do something... drastic? The other day I finally ran into the shower and turned on the cold water. I left the house suddenly by myself last week and turned off the location finder on my phone and freaked out my husband. He tried to keep me from leaving but I threatened to call the police and left. Now I sit here feeling the same way and can't stop thinking about snow and mountains and my thought is that I should just start driving somewhere else.
I feel energetic yet drained. I can't focus and I hate how my skin is crawling right now.
Does anyone understand this? Am I alone in feeling this way? What can I do to get rid of it besides something painful or potentially dangerous?
@Hillsmin
I would be a liar if I said I understand completely. It's clear you are suffering, that saddens me. If you feel like seeking assistance would help, you should do whatever you need to keep you safe. It is notˆa sign weakness.
Years back, my attempts to defuse my suffering for so many years just stopped and the bottom fell out. I practically begged to be seen as an outpatient. I was afraid of what others would think or say. I look back and realize how foolish I was! Now, I'd go in a heartbeat. My safety is what is important.
You need to do whatever you need to stay safe and begin on a joyful path. I wish you much courage.
@JeffWM thanks for responding. I sought impatient treatment just a few months ago. I can't afford to go back and I'm not sure it would help (I can't live there forever). I don't feel like I'm an immediate danger to myself, but I don't know what options I have if I get there. I have a safety plan and I know who to call and what to do, don't get me wrong. I just know that I can't afford another inpatient stay; I don't even have anyone who could keep an eye on me when my husband is working or sleeping. The biggest problem I guess is feeling the need to do something impulsive.
Im grateful to have a forum to express how im feeling.
@Hillsmin
I have to apologize for the brevity of my posts; I broke the wrist on my dominant hand and the one left-handed typing doesn't get me up to the 80 wpm I'm accustomed to. 
I'm a writer! can you imagine that?
I wanted to check back and let you know that you are still on my mind.(You made it easy by responding-- one more book mark I can delete.)
You are important.
You are special.
You are cared for.
If cost is an issue, give as much info on where you are, that you feel comfortable sharing. (BTW, I normally ask directions before stalking people now. The old way is too difficult!) I could try and find assistance that you'd be comfortable with, that is on a sliding scale. When I bottomed out, I was having two 1-hour sessions with a psychiatrist at a teaching hospital. Help is around if you feel you want it. If you just want to get things off your chest, go for it!
If you need a distraction, like someone stalking you & calling in the middle of the night, I'm pretty booked up, but I could schedule you in comes January or February! 
Nothing like a scary clown showing up at your home in the middle of the night to say, "Hi!" to get your mind off of other things.
For those who haven't figured it out yet, I'm not a threat! To the demise of my wife & daughter, I don't even kill insects or spiders-- I just relocate them
@Hillsmin
Thank you for sharing your experience with your emotions. I feel the exact same way right now too. I am manic as well and feel completely detached from my loved ones, especially from my boyfriend. All I have been thinking about these last couple of days is just getting up and leaving my life. I want to travel and see the world. I am from Canada and I am willing to start with just seeing my own country. Travelling to see the mountains and hiking across BC, maybe seeing Lake louise in Alberta, going to the Northern lights. Because it is all in my country it all seems so possible, like i can just do it right now. But my boyfriend and university makes me feel so tied down to this one spot. I feel remorseful towards him and everyone else that is stopping me from leaving because I feel so stuck and i just day dream about this amazing life that includes travelling and no roots. I know i am just feeling the brunt of my symptoms right now but i just hate feeling tied down. it makes me depressed and angry. I am hoping that this mania passes soon so I can get back to feeling happy with my life again and think more realistically.
@PerfectlyImperfectt21 @Hillsmin
It's weird... I often get the urge to just leave, to just go travel. I feel the itchiness, the crawliness. I didn't know it was a "symptom", the urge to leave and go travel (although I have had multiple therapists tell me not to, in one way shape or form). I feel detached from my "loved ones", too, and I guess I decided it was because they had abused me or mistreated me. Then it confuses me because I still feel the need to feel cared for by them. I don't have a lot of people I'm close to. I wish I had a stable life like @JeffWM :) With a family who I cared for who cared for me... a job... helping other people... on some days, I feel within reach of that, like I almost have it. Then on many, many days I feel isolated, scared, alone, crazy, like something terrible and horrible is wrong with me.
I have a therapist (a relatively new one, 10 weeks seeing her or so). I'm concerned because last week I told her I felt like I didn't have enough support and I needed more. She hasn't given me many options for more support. She is telling me "hang in there", and telling me that she is proud of me for using my resources (meaning calling the hotlines when I need them). Then this week, she has training and doesn't have any appointment times available. I woke up at 4am today about ready to check myself into a mental hospital (whatever that means) I feel so strongly that I need more support and more help, and she doesn't even have any appointment times available this week, and I've told her how badly I feel. I don't understand why she herself hasn't recommended I seek more help. I don't understand why she is saying "hang in there" when I feel this badly. It's confusing to me, and I suppose I ought to ask her about it next time I see her. I have a huge list of things I compile some weeks to bring up in therapy. They don't get addressed mostly. I read them off.
I just want to know how to crawl out of this. How to stay out. How to feel better. Is it really so hard to tell me the steps how? I don't understand why someone won't just tell me "Hey, look - Here's the problem! And here's how to fix it." If there are a million steps, fine. But just tell me what the steps are so that I can start taking them? Please? Someone? And tell me what each step is, so that I know what to expect, so that I know that I am on the right path and not going backwards or going crazy or going in circles?
Something that my therapist said a couple weeks ago that really bothered me was "You're trying so hard." She said it in a there-there voice, like you would say to a little child when you're talking in child-speak. Which, by the way, I know I've read is actually harmful for children to be talked to in that manner. I think they say to just go ahead and talk to them like they're adults.
So, this is how I feel. Your post prompted these thoughts. Thank you for letting me share.
@singercrystalspirit
Thank you for sharing. It is so important that you find the right therapist for you. It almost sounds like she is not equipped to deal with your situation. She absolutely not should tell you to "hang in there", when you've expressed the need for more support. Do you have any other therapist options?
It sounds like you do need more support...do you take medication?
Lisa
@OceanCounselling
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for understanding and for validating my concerns. I am calling the counseling center I go to right now (they are a low-cost, community care clinic) to ask them if I have the option to try a different counselor. I think that everyone who works there are interns working on their licensures. I think that is how they keep the costs down.
I just called and left a voicemail with the coordinator. I told her that I had tried to speak to my current therapist about leaving counseling, and that my therapist's response was to say "I'm [therapist] not going to leave you [me]," and that I felt uncomfortable with that. The reason I was trying to leave was that I didn't like her, or the way she was talking to me or treating me. So I asked on voicemail just now, to the coordinator, if there was an option to switch counselors. The coordinator is not in the office today, so when she calls back perhaps tomorrow, I will see what she says.
Thanks for giving me a ray of hope.
@OceanCounselling
Oh, and I forgot to mention. I currently have three different as-needed medications. Two are beta-blockers, from a psychiatrist I saw a couple of times a few years ago. The third is medical marijuana. I am not entirely certain how helpful any of the above are.
Last week in my most recent counseling session, I filled out paperwork with my therapist to get on the wait list for psychiatric services at the counseling center.
In the past, I have tried between probably around 15 different types of medications.
Sorry about that, I realized I am not supposed to (I think) post medication names here. But I can't find a button to edit or delete my post. I assume a moderator will edit it.