Hi! I am new here, and I have BPD and suspected undiagnosed autism.

I do not know if anyone would relate to this, but at times I get VERY nihilistic and I start to believe I would truly be better off not living. I don't want to set off another intense episode, so I'll try to word the feelings the best I can.

I have been very unfortunate in the area of maintaining friends and a career/job, cause my identity and how i view myself is constantly changing and I genuinely feel like I am too much. It has also been an ongoing theme where people underestimate me, and they're always right, it's so discouraging when I have motivation for a new career or a hobby. I constantly feel like I am less than human, and that people will always think less of me. I've had previous bosses in the past yell at me and basically tell me that I am not good enough. I also heavily struggle with gender identity. I love pastel things, and it's been kinda the only stable theme in my life for a long while now. I've always felt like it would be more gender affirming if I had top surgery, yet I feel like if I were to get top surgery I'd miss them because of my constant flucuation of gender identity. I cry almost every day, and it's so hard to take care of myself. I feel so bad for my husband too.. I want to go back to school, but I'm convinced I'm too stupid to go and I'll just mess up like everyone thinks I will. Sorry for the vent, BPD is really no joke.