I don't know if I have BPD
So I've had some problems in the past with depression but over the last 5 years have gotten over it but I still have problems with regulating my emotions. I didn't know what BPD was until recently, I'd looked up a lot of disorders like bipolar and that but it never really sounded quite right and with the stigma against BPD I always thought it was more extreme so hadn't looked into it. Then a month or so ago my friend said it sounds like I might have it.
I had a suicide attempt 5 years ago but didn't go through with it so I don't know if I can even call it that, but I know in my mind I was ready to die that day. It was only a year ago that I first told anyone about this attempt and started to look for professional help. Since then I've just been put on various waiting lists for therapy and sent from one place to another and keep having to repeat the same story about my past that I'm not comfortable talking about in the first place. I've been told by my mum that I'm sad because I'm a hormonal teenager. The counsellor was convinced it was because it's my time of the month. And last week I went to the GP to say I'd been thinking about killing myself only to be told I 'seemed fine today'.
I honestly don't know what else to do now because nobody seems to be believeing me or taking me seriously, which I get because I do seem fine when I talk to them. But that's because I've spent 20 years learning to hide any depressed feelings because my mum didn't like people knowing we had problems. And most of the time these days I am fine, it's just these times when it hits me and I sit there crying for hours on my own in my room and thinking about suicide and I don't even know why because I'm really happy with my life and my entire life basically revolves around me doing all the self-help activities I read about in books and that.
At the moment I feel like I should just give up with trying to get professional help. Any advice?
@ElysiaViridis I'm sorry no one seems to take you seriously - it can be difficult when those around us, and even professionals keep ignoring the actual struggle. I can see how being on waiting lists and jumping from place to place, repeating your story only to hear same responses can be hard - it sounds exhausting and demotivating.
Your struggle is valid. What I mean is: how you feel matters, and others can't say if you struggle or if you're okay, because they're not you. They're not in your mind, not in your place. Sometimes people have a trouble looking past the misconceptions and stigmas, and that's terrible because saying to someone they "seem fine" when they're not is invalidating and make people second-guess themselves.
I could tell you that there's good professionals out there (which are) but sometimes is hard finding them. Sometimes we need to go through the 'bad' ones to find the good ones. It can take some tries. I know it can be hard to keep looking and not find that right fit, so taking your time and exploring options, can be good help until you go look again or find the right fit. It's good you have your self-care activities, those can really be a great help! I've seen many books that are a great aid when needing to self-care or understand ourselves, and some are really informative.
Sometimes life can go well and we may feel good, but our mental health doesn't get the memo. That's okay and valid - we may feel unwell even if we are happy with life, because something is missing, or because our mind is struggling, and that's okay. I'm glad most of the time you are well, seems that it's in certain occasion that you feel down and struggle. On those times, do you have someone you can reach out for support? Sometimes having someone we feel comfortable reaching out to, can make it a bit easier, to let out how we feel.
Sorry for your struggles. It is really tough to not be able to get the right help. There are many indications that may show that you are borderline, but the important thing is to know that it is only a label for psychiatrists to help you receive the right treatment. It can be beneficial to write down what you struggle with everyday and start from there :)
Journaling is great, especially when you focus less on your thoughts and more on what you are physically experiencing (counterintuitive, I know!) Your experience and internal struggle is absolutely valid, and you're a trooper for making it here and seeking help.
Be well. 😊❤️