I dont know if im borderline, but i certainly identify with it
Hi, Im a girl [I guess] who goes by many names
depending in my mood i can be an entirely different person
Some would call it Split personality, others would call it extreme dissacociation.
All i know is im very dvided. every aspect of me is seperate and has its own being. its on concousness
Ive been suicidal before i had reached 5 years old. I still remember it.
I remember that empty feeling that far back.
I am currently. Right this second. Wondering what the point of it all is.
For the past week ivewanted to tke back an old habit of cuttign becuase i just want to see my own blood. I want to remind myself that i am real, i am alive.. i do bleed.
But thats looked down upon.
And after being sacked for various things that every other emplyeee does, and having recieved nothing but rejections from all the other jobs ive applied for, im feeling pretty shitty about myself
My boyfriend coming bac drunk on our only night together in the week but the cherry on the cake.
Im feeling pretty done
I dont know what im sticking around ofr.
Im not feeling guilty and it seems thats the only thing people have a problem with. Guilt.
May be i wouldfeel more guilt about wanting to take control over my pulse or lack thereof if everyone else took control in making me feel that way to begin with
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now, and have been for quite a long time, all aspects of you.
I can identify with the suicidal thoughts, wanting to be in control of your own fate like that. Wanting to cut just to see your blood flow, to remind you that it's still circulating in your cardiovascular system. How everything seems pointless.
I also believeyou have a lot of self-control. Saying that you shouldn't cut, for whatever reason (yours being that it's frowned upon) demonstrates an awareness that this particular behaviouris a negative one, as tempting as it may be.
Your interpersonal relationships appear shaky at best. Not very good support for the trials you are currently facing. May I ask why you have been turned down so often for employment? You may possibly be facing discrimination if it is due to your being mentally unwell.
Perhaps it is time to seek professional help if you can. It sucks... if you do indeed have BPD, which you may, it could be somewhat difficult to find further help, as it is still stigmatized among the professional community as well.
In parting, it would be foolish of me to say there is a point to "all this". I honestly don't know. But I like to believe that, even if we don't yet know, we can certainly stumble across something that will open our eyes a little wider.
Thinking of you. <3
Infinite,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is certainly an act of bravery. I detect a certain desperation in your words which I can absolutely identify with. I maintain a leadership role here on 7 Cups in general, and in the Borderline Personality Disorder forum specifically, because of my own experiences with the pain you're describing here. I encourage you to continue reaching out for help. I am so glad you're here.
Have you shared this with your primary caregiver? Have you ever been in therapy?
Thank you, from my heart to yours, for sharing your story. 
Thank you for the post. I can recall being very young, probably 5-6, and trying to commit suicide. I wonder at that age, why was I feeling this way. I read your post and realized I am not alone. Thank you.
