I hate how this feels
I hate feeling like everyone hates me. I hate picking apart simple actions and thinking that one small thing means they are mad at me or that they hate me. I hate having a disagreement and feeling like our whole friendship is ruined. I hate feeling like they might secretly hate me or that they secretly can’t stand me. What if they are just putting up with me because they feel sorry for me. Or that I’m already going through a lot and they don’t want to hurt me more. What if I’m doing everything wrong? What if they see me like I see myself, not good enough and not important? What if I don’t really matter to them? What if we never get close because they have other better friends? I hate always wondering when they will leave because everyone always does. I hate feeling guilty for opening up to them. I feel like when I do I just annoy them. I’m afraid of being too much and not enough if that makes any since. I’m tired of the daily cycles or just hourly sometimes. I’m tired of being paranoid in a way. I’m tired of being suspicious of everyone. I hate feeling ignored when I know I’m not. I feel always feel so left out. I feel like they don’t want to include me. I feel like I’m not included. I’m not as important as there other friends and never will be. Everyone is better then me. Im not worthy of their time or effort and I feel like they know that. I just hate this so much.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Yes thank you for sharing, and related to several of your feelings.
This hits home on a lot of levels for me. I still haven't worked up the courage to post anything myself. Thank you for sharing! You are brave.
@NicoleLovesKittens
Thank you for sharing these feelings.
I feel just the same very often, it used to be a crippling problem, I ruined many a friendship over the years. But then I met the right people. I have two people who are my closest friends. They are aware of my problems and struggles and I know that I can go and talk to them every time I need reassurance. With all the other people I have doubts, dark thoughts, a lot of anger at times, but not with them. And being reassures by them that I in fact matter to them and that our friendship is important is soothing. I thank every day that I have them in my life.
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. It is really exhausting and feels really hard to feel this way all the time. I have to constantly check myself when I feel these feelings and try to fact check it. I often feel really upset and triggered when people set boundaries with me, because I feel rejected, AND I’m learning to appreciate friends that have strong boundaries because it helps me know that if they are spending time with me or talking to me it’s because they really want to and not because they feel obligated. I have to constantly remind myself that my friends do love me, and I deserve love and connection and I am worthy. It’s really hard though and I totally understand your pain. I’m so sorry you go through this too
Thank you for sharing this. By the first few lines I could tell how much I was going to find out I do unknowingly. It's like breathing for me. So natural, but once aware it causes everything to feel like too much. I sometimes get urges during my major episodes that cause me to want to ruin things. I start to feel like I should cause it on purpose just to get it over with. Whether it is impossible or even a bit rational it will plague me with paranoia and anxious thoughts.