Impulses pushed my family away
Hello, I'm very new here. I have anxiety issues along with BPD and PTSD. My impulses last few months have gotten bad to the point my family rarely communicates with me anymore. I have immensely apologized for my outbursts, crying uncontrollably and being defensive about not wanting to have a drink with them while they came to visit and they thought I was making a scene while we were traveling to a different city all together. I honestly have no idea what had come over me. Everyone stopped talking to me and said I ruined their vacation which was not my intention. I intended to go with them on good terms. They expected me to have my impulses after our vacation was over, I wish I could schedule them so they'd never come. I have been trying to pick different topics to discuss and get one word response if that. I love my family and they would do anything for me but I feel like I screwed it up for everyone this time. It's embarrassing and shameful to look back and see how I have reacted and that no one was able to enjoy their time off for a vacation. How do you guys deal with guilt, moving on from having impulses that hurt loved ones? I am getting help by a therapist on a weekly basis but in the back of mind I still think of my family and why they don't contact me anymore.
@calmDime5180 Hey! It sounds like you have been trying your best to retain your relationships and work on them despite having many barriers. I imagine it hurts being misunderstood that way. Others often assume we're all in control of our actions. They try to be patient but they often fail to understand because they don't experience it themselves. It feels unfair. I understand that you would feel guilty about it but please be patient with yourself too. You know best what you're experiencing, how hard it is, and that you're trying.
@calmDime5180
I have the same excact problem that im dealing with right now. I dont deal with the guilt of hurting someone i love very well. I have pushed my family away. Now im trying to fix it and its not working cause no one wants to be around when i have an outburst. I keep telling everyone that its not easy to be me. I have outbursts on a daily basis and it sucks. I hate when i am mean to my wife who puts up with alot from me and my outbursts. She gets the blunt end of everything. I hate that i hurt her luke that.
[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 per guidelines on bright colors/hypersensitivity]
@RainbowLove32315
Sorry that that's been happening. 
That makes sense what you're saying that you don't want to hurt your family and you hate feeling guilty afterwards, but it's really difficult because you find yourself having these emotional outbursts.
Here's are a couple links I was able to find that have some tips for managing outbursts.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/self-care-for-bpd/
https://www.verywellmind.com/self-help-for-bpd-425464#coping-skills