I’m unsure of if I have bpd but I’m looking for advice
For the past few years I’ve been dealing with depression, anxiety, self harm thoughts and actions, identity confusion, dissociation especially when I’m feeling any sort of negative way. I have also realized that there are multiple versions of myself in my head, all with distinct personalities. They have their own likes and dislikes. I did research and Dissociative identity disorder popped up but I’m not sure if that is what it is, I would need a professional diagnosis of course and the internet is not the place to do so. I just know that I have multiple versions of myself in my head and they are all different from each other and they clash with each other often, which causes me to have identity confusion on who I truly am. I feel like a stranger in my own body or that my body has been invaded by people I don’t know, but to seem to have been here without my awareness, for how long I don’t know. I spoke to my friends and they said it wasn’t normal and that I should get it checked by a professional, they said people have their own voice or different versions of themselves in their head but not to the extent I have. I’m not sure what’s happening but some advice would be great. Also if anyone else experienced this, what was the turn out and how did it come to be that?
@dis713
I think, you should not be taking advise from people until you have a diagnosis. Your best bet would be to see a therapist as soon as possible.
It sounds dangerous if you’re thinking of self-harm. If things get too rough, make sure to reach out to a crisis line.
I hope the best for you.
@dis713 Unfortunately you are not allowed to ask for advice here, and no one is allowed to give you advice. This rule can be found in our 9-page Community Guidelines. You might find that this thread is deleted or censored because of this rule.
I agree with you that the things you describe do not really fit into either BPD or DID, according to information on the Internet, although as you've noticed there are some similarities. When you get it checked by a professional, I hope what they say helps you to make sense of it all.
Charlie
Hey, thanks for sharing. I’m actually new to this app and have been reading some of the recent posts re: bpd. So I have been assessed and diagnosed with bpd by several psychiatrists and I sort of joke that I am textbook bpd. I really want to take a minute to celebrate your self awareness! Dissociation can present in many ways and I can relate to what you’re saying about different versions of yourself. Fear of abandonment has often been referred to as the root of bpd. For me, I find I will unintentionally sort of edit myself in certain environments to either mask some of my characteristics I don’t want to be seen, or I crave belonging so much, crave to be seen and accepted, that I’ll revert to behaviors from adolescence to fit in. And if and once I do get that sense of belonging, that fear of abandonment is so incredibly strong so I end up dissociating from my authentic self. For me that is how that pattern relates to my personal journey with bpd. Especially since I have learned to manage my emotions more. It’s sort of a more subtle symptom but with the same causation. Not sure if that feels relatable or not. I’ll get the hang of using this app. I’m excited about it! Oh! So to get to the what do I now… Honestly I’ve opened up about my insecurities to my current friends and did a lot of work on getting honest with myself. It’s hard for me to admit when certain relationships have required me to fit in rather than find belonging. I practiced my awareness to notice when I didn’t feel completely present and use curiosity to observe the feelings that come up. I actually had to walk away from a few friendships which was hard but when I got honest with myself I had to accept that we didn’t align. I did a writing exercise recording what my core values are and limited them to 5 so I could recite them from memory quite easily. I also made a folder on my laptop with about 100 photos I click through often. They reflect memories and basic snapshots from times I felt really in balance with who I am. The first step is to identify our sense of self because then we can observe when we are diverting away. Then using curiosity to explore what the motives are there and of course into whether a change needs to occur- either allowing more of myself to be seen when it feels emotionally safe or not fitting in because I simply don’t. I spoke of what my motives are and that’s a fear of not belonging as myself and the fear that if I don’t “get it right” I’ll be shunned or abandoned. I’m rambling now, I hope some of this has helped. Love & Light - S
I made a list of my core values too! I remind myself what they are when I am feeling scared, lost, depressed etc. They can change in ranking depending upon what is going on around me. For instance, protecting my safety might jump to the top of the list if I sense predators. I love your photo gallery idea! I will use that! I share your fears, by the way. Thanks for sharing.
I have found Internal Family Systems theory very helpful. It says that we all have many personalities and it is normal. You are a system. Some of us; usually due to childhood trauma; have extreme, polarized, and dissociated parts that make us dysregulated. Richard Schwartz pioneered it and there are many skilled practitioners who have written about it. There are books and podcast galore! One of its strongest attributes is that it is non-pathologizing. In other words, you are not sick! They say they have a method to help these parts become a regulated, functioning system. The method uses mindfulness and helps us get in touch with Self(a part we all have which is calm, compassionate, and secure). I am not an expert though. I have only just begun to look into it. It sounds like you are very intuitive about your inner states and I hope that whatever path you take you find find peace and love. You are in a voyage of self-discovery!
It’s ok if you do not find this helpful. Of course I hope you do, but it may not be for you and that’s ok. I want to thank you for posting here though, because writing this has been very helpful to me. I am feeling so much more calm and centered now. I wish you all the best.