Is it okay?
So, I’ve always struggled with ex-lovers of my partners, it has always been the most stressful thing in a relationship. When we got together, she was six months out of a five year long relationship where both of them, as she stated, were really abusive to each other. Plus, they had a lot of animals together and she cares about all of them deeply and they split them when they broke up. We’ve been together for almost 6 months now. And recently she was moving out of the apartment that they previously shared with her ex and she reached out to her to help her cover the damaged caused by their animals. And so they started talking. After a while she said that she wants her ex in her life because of everything they shared and she can’t just cut her off because they have been through so much together and she really loves the animals that are now at her exes’ because they used to be hers too. And I completely understand wanting to be on good terms with your past because I am the same. But what bothers me is that they are in touch and her exes’ sister babysits my partner’s dogs. Like, I get so devastated and furious. Am I the bad one for not wanting her ex to be apart of her life? How the hell do I handle these emotions of her not being satisfied with me? Because that’s how I feel when she brings her ex up.
@KatieSmirn
Hi Katie--I can imagine how that would feel really destabilizing. Your partner got out of a 5-year relationship with her ex, but recently the two of them started reconnecting, spending more time together, looking after animals together, etc. And your partner said that she wants her ex in her life because of all that they've experienced together.
So I'm imagining it feels like, "What's wrong with me that you feel like you need to spend so much time with her? Is she better than me? Are you closer with her than you are with me? Are you going to abandon me for her?" You want to be respectful of her desire to be on good terms with her ex, but at the same time it really bothers you that she and her ex seem to be so close.
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I'm wondering if something like this might feel possible?
- You share with your partner something along the lines of, "I really treasure you and there's a part of me that feels really scared about your ex. Like you might get close to them, feel like they're more special than me, and decide to drop me because of it. I'm afraid of losing you."
- In response to that, you and your partner figure out some things you're both able to do together so you can feel reassured that the two of you are close and you're able to feel like she's happy with you and you're special to her. Maybe spending more time together, or when you're feeling this way she can give you extra hugs/cuddles.
If your goal is to have your partner and her ex stop meeting, it feels like that might be a more complex discussion and involve some disagreement and negotiation depending on how she feels about it. I could see a scenario where she really loves you but she also still values her ex and wants to stay in touch with her.
