I've been feeling a bit- bad bad

well, I guess, I don't know how to start this.

Hi. I'm Jade and I have BPD lol- surprising, I know.

Ive been feeling a bit- off. I normally react to things that upset me with this explosive impulsive bad attitude but this isn't the case for my current situation. I got cancelled basically for stuff I don't remember nor couldn't control. I had a social media following of 100K and I hurt a lot of people and it got out there that I was doing it and I'm happy that happened. It was getting out of hand, repetitive, if you will. I knew I was evil or sick, I believe I'm sick. I just- it hurt me a lot, my own "friends" did this to "help me" but they haven't helped me at all. They did it and shunned me and they make fun of me for stuff I can't control. I made sure they knew of it as well, but, dude. I just I don't know how I feel. It's an empty feeling, but a lot at the same time. I'm okay but I'm not?? I don't know man. Its been two weeks since it came out but most people say they understand and only want me to get help, but the rest just want to shame me for this disorder I can't control. I'm not trying to "blame" it on my disorder, but, I'm also a victim to this thing I was dealt with. I don't know man. I'm in the wrong I know, but idk