I want help but I don’t want to seem like I’m looki my for attention, something is wrong with me,

TW: sexual abuse

I can make friends easily and then I can go into these ‘moods’ people would say.

i know I have abbondonement issues and I can be mean but I care way too much in friendships and relationships.

Im not sure if I take other peoples personalities.

Well I’ll start from the beginning.

I was first sexually molested at 8 then 12 & then 15 (last person being my dad)

During these times of exposing these peoples nothing was done and the blame was put onto me.

Growing up I had an unhealthy relationship with my mother - she does not love me due t the way she felt about my father during her pregnancy and was emotional Abusive growing up.

I’ve been in DV relationships and have two young children.

My biggest concerns are the fact I don’t know how to keep relationships whether friends or partners. I push people away. I care too much. I send long paragraphs and get continually ignored and that triggers me highly. I am very indecisive and sometimes if not a lot of times can be manipulative to get my way.

I done an online personalised test and said I may be protagonists I’m not sure how true but some resonate.

I blame myself for everything first before I blame others.

I have worries that cos my dad abused me that means I will become one because ain’t that how it happens. The abused becomes one?

I don’t have any sexual thoughts of children or desires at all. But it. Crosses my mind and then I make myself feel even worse.

When I was 10/11 I put my younger brother penis in my mouth - thinking I can practice what everyone in school spoke about- I didn’t do anything because it instantly felt wrong and I just put my lips on his penis.

I’ve never forgiven myself since feeling that I’m the most horrible person. He was 3 at the time I think. I never done anything like that or thought of anything like that again. And it makes me SICK.

All my life I’ve been sexual. Cousins. Family friends. You name it. Everyone was licking and sucking from the ages of 6 upwards. So I never really knew anything other than that. And when I used to visit my dads when I was 8/9 he had 100s of porn around on his computer and dvds laying around. He never used to hide them from me. At all.

I do feel there are gaps in my memory but I don’t know

I have a lot of people that hate and dislike me because of how I push them away. And even when I try to explain to them why the friendships or relationships broke down they don’t want to hear. And it’s just something I wouldn’t do to people.

_{[Edited by @QuietMagic 12/5/21 to add TW]}