Just diagnosed and facing divorce

My wife and I had a big fight a week ago or so. She was scammed by someone on instagram for 700 dollars. I was upset, but thought it was ok. She said she would not contact him again.

a few days later, more money was missing. It wasn’t as much, only 50, but it was the same scammer. I only found out because of my paranoia and need for control that I was looking at her phone and iPad and saw the transmissions. I locked her out of our ATM card and told her if she wanted to spend money she had to clear it with me now. I took her phone and made her deleted the account she was using to talk to this guy.

She tells me she thinks she wants a divorce because she wants her independence. She says I treat her like a child and am condescending and yell too much at her and our son when I lose my temper. All this was before I was diagnosed mind you. She’s right, I do behave like that.

Anyway, this starts a huge spiral down for me. The fear of losing her was coming true! I told her I didn’t want to live without her. When she would go out to do things, I couldn’t track her phone anymore from find my friends and I ended up calling the suicide hotline because I was scared alone so much and just wanted the pain to stop. Eventually I calmed down and told her I want to know what is wrong with me so I can fix it for myself and for us. Hopefully to fix our marriage. She told me she isn’t 100% sure on the divorce, but her want is still high.

we had a decent weekend. We ended up looking at houses as a family. I took it as a sign she saw a possible future at least. I told her I enjoyed the day with her. I suggested we work on giving her a craft room at our house to give her a place for her. I asked if she wanted her own bank account she could spend from.

so yesterday I talk to my therapist. I tell him I thought I had Separations Anxiety Disorder. He said now that I am ready for a diagnosis and wanting change, he believes it is Borderline Personality Disorder. We discussed the differences and he is absolutely right. I was happy I could put a name to it now. I hoped that identifying what it is would let me and the marriage counseling work this time. In the past I wanted to fix the issues but didn’t have tools how. I explained how my anxiety is bad, but I am working on it, but also the fear,of losing her is still looming and still makes me anxious from time to time. She seemed a little more withdrawn last night too.

This morning things blew up. She set up her bank account yesterday, that was fine. I got worried cause she kept looking at her phone and turning it away while she typed and even was checking it in the middle of the night. My anxiety kept me awake after 3 am until the rest of the morning. I asked her if there was someone else and she angrily said she didn’t want to get into it right then. I had to know and kept pushing. She said she had “friends” online. Anyway, paranoia set in again. I checked our joint account. 300 dollars was withdrawn. I asked her what happened to it. She sent more to the same scammer! She said she was stupid and she was done this time. I told her she’s not stupid but we need to know why she does this. She swears she won’t contact him again, but I fear she will.

i have been in bed all morning now. I don’t want to move or even eat. We have our first marriage session tomorrow. She keeps saying she isn’t sure she wants to make it work. I fear that because of some physical issues I have I don’t please her sexually anymore and without some surgery wouldn’t even please other women. I at the same time worry she is self sabotaging the relationship. She’s doing the money thing cause she wants me to get angry again and she has the excuse she needs to go. Or that she thinks she self worth is so low that I am better without her and her without me.

I didn’t cut her off from the bank account completely, but I moved a large part of our savings into a private savings account in the same bank. If we needed the transfer, I could have it back same day, but I didn’t want to transfer some of the savings into the join account and risk more being gone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to end and for us to be better! and soon!