My BPD girlfriend
Hi everyone,
I've been in a relationship with a girl for 5.5 years now. She had always been rather quick to anger, but about 2 years in August ago a family matter happened and she started getting really depressed. At that same time we started sharing a dorm. Due to her depression she didn't go to classes very often, spending most of her time sleeping or scrolling through the internet in her room. When I got back from classes we would often fight about petty things, often blaming me for everything that was going wrong. I confided in a classmate, thinking I needed some female advice in the matter. Through our discussions we grew to like each other, but we both knew things could not work out between us. My girlfriend found out I had been talking to another girl and said this was the reason she had been depressed and how I was ruining her chances for education. December came around and I tried breaking up with my girlfriend to which she started begging me not to leave and saying that if I did she'd jump out of the window. She had cut herself before when we gotten into arguements, showing me bloody tissues afterwards say that I caused that, so I took her thread serious. I said I'd give her another chance but she'd have to find help to get out of her depression. She went to 2 meetings with a therapist but stopped afterwards claiming it was not helping a all. A couple of months continued to go by with ups and downs and it is August again. No progress has been made really and we are stuck in this pattern of fighting and making up again. It becomes too much for me and I go to a psychiatrist myself, who told me she is probably has borderline personality disorder. The book he gave me to read with some testimonies sounded eerily familiar. After a big fight where clothes were ripped I forced her to talk to the psychiatrist. She went once and it became just another arrow in er quiver of things I had forced her to do and how according to her I manipulated her into thinking she was crazy. More bumpy months and it is February and I leave for 4 months to study abroad. In this time we have been fighting more and she made statements about how I was a wasted investment because she did not sign up for a long distance relationship. There have also been a couple more suicide threats but every time I suggest she seeks help she says 'I don't need help I just need you to love me and then things will be fine again.'. It is now a week before I return home and I do not know what do do anymore. She has hurt me so many times that I feel nothing anymore, it even hurts me to admit that whenever she gets upset it annoys me and that I feel disgusted when she calls me handsome right after a fight. I feel emotionally depleted and at this point self harm or worse have crossed my mind several times. I know I will never be the person she wants me to be, but she built her world in such a way these last years that it seems as if I am the only thing remotely holding her together. This relation is not good for either of us, but I am too scared of the consequences to just cut ties.
Sorry for the long post but I am at wits end and need some advice. I know she its not her fault she is this destructive and that she needs help but I cannot force her to seek help if she is convinced that she does not need any. I'm just afraid that no matter what this will end badly/terminally for either of us. What can I do to deal with this?
@helloGlobe2761
Hello,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through that. It is very tough to feel the way you are feeling and having the fear of being in some way responsible for her happiness. You seem like a very understanding and compassionate person who has filled a comfortable space in herr life. She too is suffereing and needs help- however it is not your responsibility to fill her voids or meddical needs. She is lucky to have had you in her life and it is your repsonsibility to take care of your needs and health. I really understand the fear you are feeling in wanting to break away. But the time now might be the best time- as you have been away for a while and she has not had you around physically - so maybe she has been able to open her self up to others- which takes the pressure off of you. I dont want to tell you what to do- but you ave to do what feels right in your gut annd heart for yourself. :) I hope this has helped a bit or at least made you feel a little bit better
Thank you for supporting me, it is nice to hear that. In the last couple days she has been getting increasingly often upset fearing that I will abandon her when I return. The suicide threads also keep increasing. So I am conflicted whether I should go to her parents about the subject, so that they might get her the help she needs (since she still lives at home). But on the other hand they are not the most ... tactful or supportive people. She has also expressed how she hates it when I involve others in our relationship problem: 'You're an adult man, act like one and solve your own problem. Don't go to others, this is our relationship'. But at this point I am thinking that, how do I put this, her opinion doesn't really matter sort of. Or is this wrong of me to think this? Should I perhaps just let her figure things out on her own? Even though I don't think I still truly love her at this point, I still care for her and don't wish anything bad to happen to her, but maybe I am just being meddlesome.
@helloGlobe2761
So, I am in the same situation but at the other end of things. What you described in this thread you posted scarily sounded like my boyfriend talking about me. Coming from this side of things, with me in a clear mind at the moment I can say this. You cannot save anyone, as much as you try and care for the person, it's up to them ultimately to get help. Your girlfriend sounds like me in many ways, blaming you for everything even though it's two sided, manipulation, suicide threats, self harm, fear of abandonment, and getting upset when you get advice from others, the constant fighting and making up. It's not fair to you, and I'm going to be honest, having bpd is hard, man, it's so hard, and when you're in a high intense emotional state, lashing out always seems like the best option because sometimes with bpd we really don't know what we want, we fear loneliness and abandonment to such an extream that we will hold people so close then essentially snap back, and totally push said person away out of fear they will leave us first, so we just push away and push away till, like you said, you feel depleted and drained, and you still care for her but the love isn't really there, and then it's just a vicious cycle of 'God dude, I hate you, maybe you should just leave, you're ruining everything' to 'God please don't leave me, I love you so much, I'm nothing without you, I'm going to die without you' it's a vicious cycle, it's an emotional Rollercoaster no one should have to endure. And honestly, it's extremely toxic. at the end of the day, you are the most important person in your life, and if this relationship is causing you so much emotional turmoil to the point of having really awful thoughts pass through your head, you really need to leave the relationship. When you do it and she threatens suicide, or self harm, I think you should tell her 'listen, I care about you very much, and Im worried about you, take deep breathes with me, it's going to be okay, I promise.' keep telling her it's going to be okay, and if the threats still continue, I think you have no other choice but to call a parent or a trusted friend she has to calm her down. - you don't deserve to be in a relationship where it's constant fighting and emotional abuse, and as for her therapy, this is going back to what I first addressed, you unfortunately can't change anyone but yourself, and I am in the same boat as her, 'I'll go to therapy' > goes for two days and claims it didn't work. I too have a hard time with change and following through, the illness can be crippling at times, the lack of motivation and self doubt is crippling, but that is by no means a justified reason to have awful actions and treat people terirble. When she wants to change, she will change. But in the mean time, I think you should have more time away and just do your own things and let her work on herself as well as yourself too. My boyfriend told me something key a few weeks ago, 'I can't wait around for you, if you don't change this time around I'm done. We're done. Breaks won't do good anymore if there's no change. I can't wait the rest of my life waiting on you to change.' and it's very true. I really wish you and her the best of luck, and I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this dude, it's a terrible situation no one should have to go through.
