Need help...Running out of options/solutions
Hello there everyone,
So life is extremely stressful right now. Doctor changed my meds and I don't know if they're working or not...and I don't know if it's really long enough to tell because I already messed with the dosages. Went up and went back down again. I'm not really sure how long I should wait until its that moment where we kinda give in and admit it's not wokring,
I've just been drugginy myself with Clonazepam to control my urges, anger, frutration, pain, depression. You name it
I've already just started counselling and each session she is going to help me through the DBT book I bought.
Already seen a psychiatrist who came me absolutely no med advice even though I'm already taking them... And just insulted me and told me Iw as stupid and didn't know how to dress myself and was a complete bitch who crushed me and my self esteem. I'm only now getting that back because she is wrong..And I offended her is some way that I'm not really sure how... She got wrong impressions of me...Don't get me wrong. It's not that I disagree with her diagonsis, I just think she went too far. Said things that weren't necessary and insulted me. Told me I was stupid and incapable of understanding things that normally people wouldn't. Because of a few topics I brought up. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I"m smarter than her, I wasn't the one who went and studied my ass off in school for x amount of years, It was just drilled in my head that no one is btter than me, and I am no better than anyone else.. So she doesn't intimidate me even though I may only have a basic amount of knowledge in something she is an expert in... If anything I see it as a learning opportunity...But she wasn't willing to answer my questions or help that way...Even when I was asking her what a word meant that I didn't quite fully understand. But I'm getting over that. I realize she's wrong. I see it more as a challenge adn I've talked about it with my friends and they surely don't get those impressions from me, They know my intentions. And i've worked really hard on communicating better in those regards,
I have no support right now except for one friend.
My boyfriend cant even see me..Talk to me...look at me...Hell, I'm not even work a fuck
I'm house sitting in a huge house that I feel confined in with three dogs I absolutely hate and I cannot control my anger outburts. I just called the crsis line but it's hard to give someone advice when tehy are already taking advantage of every resource available to try and help themselves, eh? haha.
My brain is foggy.
I don't know if I can even explain everything or anything right now, I'm under too much stress, My life sucks rn and I just cry and drug myself up everyday,
Feel free to ask questions because I"m sure this post makes no sense I didnt' really cover many topics at all or explained mybself lol.
I need help,
I need support.
I have none,
I dont know what else to do to help myself
how long ago did you get your medications changed??? It sounds like you've been through a lot and probably already know this...but it can take a few weeks of taking medication as prescribed to notice any significant, positive changes or impact. In the interim, you can actually more side effects then positive effects. I'm sorry you're going through this, and at the same time really glad you put it out there that you're looking for support. Keep reaching out, there's a lot available on this website : ) @Alverita
@Alverita So other than the house sitting with dogs you don't like, I could have written this thing today. I wish I knew what to say to people to make them understand. My doctor told me to go to the hospital yesterday so that they could keep me safe while I worked through a med change and that he'd send over something for them to have some background and for them to call him to discuss what he thought I needed.
They were awful to me, twisting everything I said and then telling me I was lying. They said I came just to 'get attention and have someone to talk to' I got so confused and upset and I kept saying "just call my doctor" and they kept saying "we will do what we see fit". I am still so confused as to why it was so bad for me to go to the hospital when I was in distress. I thought I was doing the responsible thing by following my doctor's directions. The whole experience was so very awful, they told me that I had been seeing my doctor "too much" What even is that?!
The worst part is by the time they got me really worked up I'm pretty sure that I overheard the doctor outside saying he was going to write up a thing to have my drivers license suspended (because that will surely make me less upset). They got me so angry I was yelling and the bitchy nurse said if I didn't stop she'd have me banned from the hospital and I said "good then i could go home" and she said "no we will keep you on a psych hold" and I was very very confused.
In the end when the doctor came (five hours after I arrived) and he clearly had no intention of even looking at why my doctor sent me in I just lied and told him that I'd be good. On the way out of the thing the bitchy nurse said "thank god she was released" and then told me I had "a very bad attitude and needed to learn to act my age". I wanted to scream at her "I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS THIS IS THE MENTAL HEALTH ER"... but what's the point right?
SO I came home and yet again drugged myself up with whatever I had laying around so that I could sleep for a bit.
I don't really know what to do anymore. I've been trying to get help somewhere for ages and it is like nothing at all is ever available. I can't even explain how much rage is inside me. The only thing I can do is just drug myself asleep a good 75% of the day.
Oh my jesus, girls! I cannot describe how accurately I relate to your words and experiences!
As for doctors, I‘ve also been mistreated and made to feel like a ridiculous fool by psychiatrists. I have completely lost my faith in them. I think they have no idea what they are doing more than half the time and they have absolutely no empathy or bedside manner. They are the ones who are supposed to really understand mental illness but instead they demean us and make us feel like attention whores. It‘s outrageous and shattering.
At least we have each other and it‘s a relief in a way to see how other people completely understand what you‘re going through because they are experiencing the same things. The rage, the frustration, the anger, the alienation, the outbursts (oh... the outbursts!), the bad decisions, etc.
