New Diagnoses

@OceanMermaid That definitely sounds like quite a burden on your shoulders. So much of what you shared struck so many familiar chords in me - the trust issues, the insecurity, the mood swings...

To be honest, these are all battles I fight on almost a daily basis. And while I can rationally tell myself that some of the things I feel are "in my head", when I am deep into it it all seems so very "real" to me.

I am going to share some of the things I try to do to cope with specifically the insecurity as a place to start, with a couple of examples and a couple of pitfalls to be aware of for each.

For insecurities, two of my biggest are body image and personal skills.

With body image, I worry about... well, everything! From how much I way, to my hair, to my skin, to my clothes, to my physique, to my height, to my eyes - no detail is too big or small for scrutiny, and I definitely struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin. When left on its own, this insecurity can make me absolutely hate being me, and in the past has lead to a lot of self-harm.

What I have tried to do is turn that into motivation instead of self-destruction.

For example, I try to exercise more to feel better about my weight and my fitness. Also, I intentionally dress neatly for work (shirt and tie) even if I can be more casual.

Three pitfalls are:
- When I backslide on exercise (lose progress, gain weight back, etc.), I start to feel like it is hopeless and I am a failure, and that everyone else will see me as a disgusting failure, too.
- I can get very all or nothing about it, so that if I feel I don't have time or energy to do everything, get it just right, I can tend to let everything slide, be despondent and apathetic about keeping up (not showering as much as I should, not shaving for work, wearing the same clothes days in a row).

- I tend to over-compare myself to everyone - either too positively or too negatively, leading to a cycle of unrealistic highs and lows about how I feel about myself. This cycle always seems to end up on a low, where I do not think I will ever be 'good enough', or perhaps more importantly, that other people will never see me as 'good enough'.

To try and fight these pitfalls, I really, really have to break things down into bite-size goals and achievements.

Take exercise and fitness.

Yes, some days/weeks/months are going to be better, and some are going to be worse. But, a bad day or week doesn't mean that all the good days counted for nothing. I just have to focus on the goal for that day or that hour. If I don't achieve it, I need to treat the next day as a new opportunity, fresh and free from the day before (instead of feeling like, "Oh, I failed yesterday, what is the point of bothering with today."). I continually have to fight that all-or-nothing feeling about failure.

Along with that, I need to focus my security on whether or not I am meeting my goals, making progress, and doing well for myself, instead of always comparing myself to others (good or bad, because there can be some very narcissistic traits with BPD) or worrying about what they think of my progress. I have to do what is good and realistic for me, where I am at in my life, and not worry about if I look like a fitness buff, or if anyone else thinks I look like a fitness buff (hint: I don't; I look like what I am, a middle-aged dad that struggles to stay in shape, ha ha).

Now that I have been rambling for a couple paragraphs, that is something that is suddenly very crystal clear to me: I worry overmuch what others think about me, my achievements, and my failures, and since I assume the worst, that obsession with what others are thinking about me feeds my insecurities (which then feeds into my depression and anxiety, etc., etc.).

And that is why the specific, small goals are a good coping mechanism.

Walk for half-an-hour today.

vs.

Am I walking enough? Do I look like I am walking enough? Does anyone notice that I am walking? Do I look silly or determined to be walking today?

The former I can measure regardless of what anyone else thinks AND regardless of what is going on in my head. The latter just feeds my insecurities.

Phew, I rambled a lot, and not sure how much useful ground I covered! So, I want to pause here, let you read it, and tell me if I am on the right track, if what I am sharing is resonating with you, and if the idea of little, specific goals is something that sounds helpful.

@OceanMermaid

No worries (I am a forum mentor so I can clean up with one click of a button. :) )!

You are most welcome, dear.