Newly Self Aware Covert Narcissist
Hello,
I don't know how else to relay this without sounding like I'm bragging so I'll just dive right in.
I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar a few years ago and recently realized that I am in fact a covert narcissist and I'm gutted. I don't think I'll ever change and I'm willing to make peace with that as long as I can learn how to function healthily without losing friends, partners and family or being so angry and hurting so many people.
Can anyone else relate?
From what you wrote, I learn that you have depression and BPD. It is in fact a challenge to live with those. How are you coping with em?
Hmm, you've realised that you're a covert narcissistic person. I'm happy that you've come in terms with it and are trying to live healthily. Self awareness is the key which it seems like you're good with so yay! I hope you continue to cope healthily and get better with what you want to ge better with. 💜
Uhm, sorry I can't relate with narcissism! But I can relate with the struggle of living with depression.
You've got this. 💜
@GoddessMiso93
Thanks for posting. 💙 I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but I know that at the times when I'm able to personally relate to the themes/experiences in BPD descriptions, I'm usually also able to relate to the themes/experiences in descriptions of covert narcissism.
The things I personally associate with BPD are like a deep feeling of emptiness, a sort of unresolvable longing that can't be satisfied, and a sort of sensitivity/intensity/distrust that leads to extreme feelings/words/actions and wreaks havoc on relationships. It makes sense to me that if I'm connected to that kind of experience/identity, I might also be acting in selfish ways. Of course I'd feel like I need to look out for myself if my experience is that there's a huge hole/need inside of me that I desperately want to fill.
Narcissism feels to me like an expression of vulnerability/need/longing. It's possible for that to be destructive in its effects, but ultimately at its root it's something understandable and relatable. Hurting other people isn't a goal so much as a tragic side-effect... because other people have their own lives and their own needs, feelings, identities, goals, etc. Sometimes what I want other people to do that feels like it would soothe or satisfy my own needs... is in conflict with what they might want to do if they were acting freely and I weren't trying to force their actions.
It sounds like you really don't want to hurt other people or get into a situation where you repel anybody that you might be able to have some closeness with. So you're willing to try to change your actions if it would avoid that. That makes sense to me. I feel like I've personally benefited a lot from implementing certain concepts of boundaries, expectations, and individual rights in my friendships/relationships (which are things I think most people would consider to be healthy). It's also given me tools to protect myself from other people who are similar to me and allowed me to keep myself safe.
Feel free to schedule a chat with me sometime if you want. (I promise I don't usually talk this much about my own stuff. Just sharing since you asked if anyone can relate. 😊)
Hey, just as a heads up - narcissist is a harmful term to use, especially covert narcissist which does not exist. You can have NPD, which is a very real and heavily stigmatized disorder but the words narcissist and covert narcissism are merely terms to add to the demonization of said disorder and not at all actual medical terms.
@ROBBER
I was able to find a few sources that suggest there is some precedent within the psychological/medical community for describing NPD in terms of subtypes, one of which is more vulnerable/introverted/covert (link 1, link 2, link 3).
Completely understand and agree with your point that it's really easy to label/essentialize people in ways that end up being stigmatizing and doing a lot of harm. And the word "narcissist" in particular often gets used by people with the intent of being disparaging/dismissive. It can get in the way of seeing someone as a human being with thoughts/feelings worthy of respect/empathy and relating to their actual experiences/perspectives.
There were actually some recent changes to the PD community's forum organization because we were having issues similar to this.
If you're changing things then can I suggest getting rid of the narcissistic abuse tab? Because that's another thing that doesn't exist and just leads to further demonization.
@ROBBER
My understanding is that narcissistic abuse is recognized by the psychological community (link 1, link 2) and the goal of creating that forum was to establish separate spaces for two groups of people that have different concerns/needs (i.e. NPD sufferers, people affected by interactions with NPD sufferers).
If you'd like to suggest a change to that forum (e.g. removing it, renaming it, moving/merging it into a different community), this thread is probably the best place to provide that feedback.
@ROBBER
FYI, we're considering making the change that you suggested. Passing along this thread if you'd like to provide feedback: https://www.7cups.com/forum/PersonalityDisordersSupport_81/NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder_1067/FeedbackneededontheuseofthetermNarcissisticAbuse_258484/
I'd also like to acknowledge that I was incorrect in saying that the term "narcissistic abuse" is recognized in the psychological community. The links I provided were literature created for public consumption; based on digging further, there isn't any usage of this term in scholarly/scientific discussion of abusive relationships. My apologies. 💜
Hi @Robber!
Thank you for the clarification on the medical terms for and about NPD.
I think part of the reason it's so easy to demonize and stigmatize myself with the "covert narcissist" terms is part and parcel of the self loathing and inherent shame that comes with Borderline Personality Disorder as well.
