No one talks about the loneliness…
A small synopsis of my origin story:
My mom didn’t want me, she made that clear. I was a drunken mistake, so I’ve never met my dad and my mom had too many of her own demons to battle to take care of a kid. I don’t have any siblings, and my mom isolated herself (and consequentially me) my entire childhood, so I never really gained social skills. When I was able to make a friend, my mom would tell me that they were using me or they just felt sorry for me.
Here I am, in my 30’s…with social anxiety, BPD, and 0 living family. Somehow I managed to find someone willing to marry me, and immediately after I learned that I wanted to get married so badly because the loneliness is too much to bear, and I wanted to have someone who’s always there. 🤯 I feel endlessly guilty for “convincing/coercing/manipulating” this person to marry me, but they swear they love me and WANT to be married to me. I’m not convinced.
I feel unlovable. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like I wouldn’t know what love even looked like if it hit me in the face. I just want…a friend, but I haven’t quite figured out the secret formula for keeping one yet. Halp.
Hello. I hope things get better.
Hey there. Thanks, things are in motion. Hopefully in the right direction.
@FranklyAvalon
Hi--thanks for sharing. That's pretty terrible that your mom would undermine all of your friendships by saying that they were just feeling sorry for you or exploiting you. Those might have very well been real friendships with people who genuinely liked you and got along well with you, but she went out of her way to try to destroy your confidence and convince you that you were unlikeable and that nobody would possibly ever want to spend time with you. Then outside of those friends, you weren't able to get any love from your dad (because he wasn't around) or from your mom (because she was completely preoccupied with her own mental issues).
If you've gone most of your life without receiving anything and *being told* that you don't deserve anything, that makes so much sense that it would feel unbelievable for someone to want to be connected with you now. Like, "They must only be here because they pity how lonely I am and they're a kind person. I must be manipulating them in some way."
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Personally, something I've found helpful in my own life for maintaining friendships/relationships is just to ask people what they like/dislike, share what I like/dislike, and try to establish some expectations and routines that we both find workable. It makes things a bit less fluid/spontaneous, which is probably not for everyone, but I've felt like there are some benefits:
- The success of the relationship becomes more dependent on me performing concrete/specific behaviors (that are within my control) rather than having to feel/think a certain way (which isn't as much within my control)
- It takes away some of the uncertainty
- I can feel confident that I'm not hurting the other person as long as I avoid breaking any rules/expectations that we've discussed
- I can feel confident that I'm making the other person happy by doing things that they've told me make them happy
- I'm able to show how much I care about them by being reliable/consistent in my actions
- I'm able to feel like the relationship is reciprocal/balanced insofar as we're both making an effort to satisfy each others' expectations and do things the other person likes
This is all very helpful and validating advice. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. ❤️
@FranklyAvalon I understand that feeling unlovable is a terrible burden for you to bear. I'm sorry you feel that way. It is evident that your partner loves you, cares about you, and accepts you despite your flaws.
@FranklyAvalon I understand a bit how you feel. I don't know if I was an accident, if my parents thought they wanted a child and then realized when i was born that they regretted it or if they had me because they thought that was what you were supposed to do. I was told not to make a pest of myself, that no one would want to talk to me and that i should leave them alone. It made me feel unloveable. I am just shy of 50 now. I don't have friends, I've never had a boyfriend and the loneliness and emptiness in my life can be soul crushing. My father is dying of cancer which will leave me with just my mother. When she's gone I will literally be alone in this world since i have no other family. It's hard for me to think about what kind of life I might have had if i was born to parents that loved me. Maybe I'd have friends, be married, have children and maybe i'd have self worth.
@braveNectarine699
I can really feel the weight of that, like "If only I'd had parents who loved me and didn't crush my spirit, maybe I might have been able to spend the past 50 years getting married, having children, having friends, and feeling like I was worth something." It mattered an awful lot not having had that love. If and when your parents pass, it won't feel like there's anybody else left, because those relationships didn't have a chance to take root.
I hope that you're able to make some meaningful connections and have some good experiences here. 💙 It's never too late or the wrong time for something interesting or worthwhile to happen, and not everybody necessarily follows the same path.
I have no words, only hugs for you. I feel like we understand each other well. Just know that you can message me anytime.
@FranklyAvalon
I feel the same way. The lonlieness can be so debilitating. But I'm not stable enough to keep a relationship with anyone. I wish I had an answer for us.